Little things that stress me out

Over the course of living one's life, there are plenty of small things that can be stressful. I’m not talking about major life-altering events here – I’m talking tiny little things that are so unimportant they shouldn’t even make the radar screen … yet there they are. Raising my blood pressure just that tiniest little bit.

You know exactly what I'm talking about. And if you don't, you're about to.

Here are a few of the little daily annoyances that stress me out:

1

The Shampoo-to-Conditioner Ratio is Off 

I buy shampoo and conditioner at the same time, in the same sized bottle. I use both every time I wash my hair. And yet, inevitably, as they start to get closer to the bottom of the bottle, one of them pulls dramatically into the lead. I know I’d like to buy both in the same sized bottle again when they’re empty, so it doesn’t help me a bit to have one run out before the other. AND YET THEY WANT TO DO JUST THAT. 

This, of course, leads to insane wasting of one and insane rationing of the other, with the goal being to even them out a little bit before they run out.  

It always ends poorly.

 

2

The Garbage Can is Getting Full 

It’s getting full, but it isn’t completely full. It’s not ready to go out yet … but it’s a close one. With each additional item that gets stuffed in on top of everything else, my anxiety increases. I know eventually something is going to fall off the top. What’s it going to be? Something reasonable, like a balled-up paper towel?

 

Or something foul and awful?

 You do NOT want to be there when it goes under the fridge.

3

We’re Getting Moderately Low on Milk 

I usually go grocery shopping on the same day each week. But we don’t really have a good milk-drinking schedule – sometimes, the gallon is gone in a week. Sometimes it lingers for 11 or 12 days. So what do I do when it’s getting kind of low, but there’s still a lot, and I’m about to go to the grocery store? WHAT DO I DO??? 

Do I buy a half-gallon, which might only last a few days?

Do I buy a full gallon, which might go bad before we have a chance to drink it all?

I FACE DIFFICULT DECISIONS ON A DAILY BASIS.

 

4

Getting Unevenly Tan from the Car Window 

When the weather’s fine, I like to drive with the window down. But then one arm starts to get tan. And then what? THEN WHAT?

 I look like a FOOL, that’s what!

So then I have to make Jesse drive, and I have to hang my other arm out the passenger window.

But then what if I overshoot the mark?

Arghhh, I just need to start keeping sunscreen in the car.

5

Nothing to Snack on at Work 

My stomach is a ruthless master that the rest of me must always obey. I have trained my body to have a very fast metabolism and to not store much fat, which is great most of the time. But sometimes, it’s quite a cause for concern.

 

 Basically, when I get hungry, I need to eat. And I get hungry every couple of hours. So if I don’t have anything to snack on, this happens:

 

 Which means I need to be proactive. At conferences, I’ve been known to squirrel away bagels and muffins from breakfast in my purse ... and then sneak into the bathroom to stuff them down my face.

 

This is my secret shame. 

I then steal more food from lunch.

 

I even take my dinner leftovers to go, despite having no refrigerator or fork in my hotel room, just in case I get hungry late at night or before breakfast.

 

 

Have I eaten room-temperature lo mein with my hands? Yes I have.

 

 

 

Don’t judge me.

Why Mr. Pants Didn’t Help Drive the Truck

Mr. Pants did not enjoy the drive across the country. He spent most of the time either curled up in his travel box cursing us,

 sitting in my hand (where my arm could absorb all the shocks of the road) cursing us,

 or hiding in his “snake nest” (Jesse’s and my hoodies all bunched up) cursing us.

At no point did we allow him to take a turn at the wheel.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – that hardly seems fair, does it? 3,000 miles and all he did was sit? But we had our reasons. Firstly, we were in a 26-foot truck with a trailer on the back – a vehicle so unwieldy even I wasn’t allowed to drive it, due to my handicap of being a woman. But Mr. Pants doesn’t have that handicap, so it seems reasonable that he should have spent a few hours driving while Jesse cuddled up in the snake nest. Why didn’t he? Here are a few reasons.

1

Mr. Pants Cannot Reach the Pedals

Mr. Pants is only a wee little baby ball python. He is maybe 2 feet long – MAYBE. Last time I measured him, I rounded up pretty severely. So he didn’t stand a prayer of a chance of reaching the gas and brakes while still being able to see the road. Even putting phone books on the seat didn’t help.

 

2

Mr. Pants Has No Means of Turning the Wheel

He would have to brace himself against something and pull really hard, and I just don’t think he has it in him. He can barely squish up a pre-dead mouse to eat.

 

3

Mr. Pants Does Not Have a Drivers’ License

His left blinker was out when he went to take the test, so they wouldn’t even let him try.

 

Then, once that was fixed, he did a terrible job parallel parking.

 

4

Mr. Pants Does Not Understand ANY of the Rules of the Road

Mr. Pants gets to a four-way stop sign at the same time as you. You’re the vehicle on the right, so he should yield to you. Think he’s going to do that? THINK AGAIN.

HE’S TOO BUSY SINGING JUSTIN BIEBER. 

5

Mr. Pants Doesn’t Really Understand English

Or numbers, or pictures, or anything really. You don’t want him on the freeway with you.

 

 

6

Mr. Pants is Always Texting While Driving

He claims he’s “multitasking.” I guess he just thinks he’s above the law.

 

THAT’S NOT SAFE, MR. PANTS. HAVEN'T YOU SEEN THOSE COMMERCIALS.

Edited to add: how come Mr. Pants gets an iPhone while I'm still stuck rocking this BlackBerry???? This is not cool.

7

Mr. Pants Has Terrible Road Rage

‘Nuff said.

So instead, we just let him stick to his strengths.

 It’s better for all of us, trust me.

Watching horror movies with Jesse

Watching horror movies with Jesse is quite an experience.

Well, watching any movie really, but horror movies in particular.

Why? Because he sees each movie as a lesson in what not to do, and so he spends a majority of the time criticizing the choices that the characters have made, and talking about all the things he would have done differently to either get out of a bad situation or avoid getting into it in the first place.

At first, it was annoying. But now I've started doing it as well. And let me tell you, it really makes the movies more interesting. Here are some of lessons we've learned from watching movies:

1

If the Road You're Driving On Inexplicably Turns to Gravel, TURN THE FUCK AROUND

Dipshit, you are going the wrong way. You will not get to the dance club by continuing on this gravel road. You will not get anywhere good.

Example Film: The Human Centipede

To be fair, those bitches were really, really dumb.

Unfortunately for me, that fact alone doesn't un-see that movie.

2

Do Not Go Into Enclosed, Inescapable Areas -- Such as Hotel Rooms -- With Strangers

Especially when you're not getting any cell service. That's just asking for trouble.

Example Film: Last House on the Left

3

What Kind of a Fucking Retard Goes to Investigate a Noise Without Bringing a Gun?

If you hear a scary noise somewhere near the back of your property and you decide to go investigate, here's some advice: bring a goddamn weapon with you, genius. Wandering around with a weak flashlight while timidly saying "hello?" is not going to get you anywhere.

4

Oh, Did You Hurt Your Ankle? FUCKING RUN, BITCH! RUN TIL THE BONES POKE THROUGH THE SKIN!

I can't believe how many dumb bitches stop running away from danger because they twisted their ankles. Because, y'know, obviously getting raped and murdered is better than running on a hurt ankle. Ouchies.

Your body makes this thing called "adrenaline" that keeps you from feeling pain when you're in danger. Use it, dumbass.

Example Film: The Strangers

5

Why On God's Green Earth Are You Splitting Up? I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU COULD SEE 360 DEGREES AT ONCE!

Oh, you can't? Well then why in all hell are you going off by yourself? You need at least one person with you to be able to see danger coming from any and all directions. Jackass; you deserve whatever bad shit happens to you.

Example Film: EVERY FUCKING MOVIE EVER.

I guess there's always room for a small surprise.

6

Prepare to Make Your Last Stand -- And Save a Bullet for Yourself

When there's danger all around you, you don't just take off running into the woods and hoping for the best. Probably you'll just end up hurting your wee little ankle and shouting "hello? Someone help me!" until you meet your doom.

Instead, how about you get a weapon -- lots of weapons, even -- and pick a defensible area to make your last stand. Sit down in a corner with a shotgun so nobody can sneak up on you. Kill everything that comes at you. And if you're finally overwhelmed and don't stand a chance, shoot yourself in the head. Trust me, it's better than getting shredded by zombies, wolves, bears, rapists, or whoever else is after you.

Dawn of the Dead's Plan:

Tremors' Plan:

FUCK YEAH! NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' BOUT!

Now go forth and teach your children. Teach them the way of the staying alive. Someday, they will thank you.

Unless the bear gets them.