Things that are gross

Fair warning -- from here on out, blog posts might be a little bit spotty. Because let's face it -- I'm pretty distracted with the fact that HOLY JESUS I AM GOING TO HAVE A BABY VERY SOON.

Plus, I'm very much the plump grump. Crampy and cranky. Harrumph. HARRUMPH I SAY.

But I'll totally still post when I'm in the mood and when I have something to say!

Today I don't really, but that's okay. Instead I'll just rant about a couple of things that are really gross to me, because I am insane and extremely anal. And then we can all have a laugh.


A few days ago, some moron on the internet implied that I am not ready to be a mother because my tolerance for "gross" is way too low. That if I don't lower my standards a little, I'm just going to spend the next several months/years freaking out constantly because babies do stuff that is GROSS and clearly I am not able to handle it.

To this, I say "BALDERDASH!"  I am the grossest person I know. I once drank a whole Gatorade on an empty stomach when I woke up with a hangover, and then vomited up the entire Gatorade twenty seconds later. It was in my stomach so briefly that it tasted exactly the same coming up as it did going down. It was even still refreshingly cold. The way I see it, I got to enjoy that Gatorade TWICE.

I eat food that is so old it is starting to have its own personality.

I eat food that other people have touched, breathed on, even tasted already. I don't care. Their germs make me strong.

I walk around barefoot just about anywhere. Sometimes I step in something sticky without knowing what it is. I just rub my foot in some dirt or sand to get the sticky off, and move on with my life.

But ...


BUT ...


None of that means I can handle the situations/items listed below:

1

The Kitchen Sink

The kitchen sink is a horrible, awful, no-good disgusting place. I'm not talking about germs and stuff -- yeah, obviously it's full of germs, but you can kill germs pretty easily with a couple shots of bleach spray. But for me, bleach spray will never be sufficient to clean a sink. It is simply too gross for any cleaning products to fully handle.

Sure it looks innocent, but don't trust it.

You see, the kitchen sink is basically the garbage can except it's always wet. A big sloppy wet garbage can. I put lots of things down the garbage disposal, and I'm pretty sure that if they wanted to, the raw chicken bits and super old moldy leftovers I grind up in there could just crawl back up into the sink. Hell, they probably do so every night. They have parties while I sleep.

"Wahoo, it's a sink party! Let's all poop in here too!!!"

Therefore, there is only one time that the sink can truly be considered "clean": after I have rubber-gloves Cometed the whole thing out, left the Comet on there to disinfect for the full ten minutes, then washed it all off, and then carefully dried the entire inside of the sink with paper towels. The guts and moldy leftovers can't climb up a dry sink, you see.

Thus, the sink is clean!!! And it will be clean right up until someone turns the water on and then it will be dirty again because the water will give the raw chicken bits that still somehow live in the garbage disposal the opportunity to crawl back up and party.

No. Gross. If my hand so much as accidentally brushes against the bare metal of the sink, it will need to immediately be washed with soap.

Like, IMMEDIATELY.

This from the girl who steps barefoot in mysterious sticky things and just rubs her foot in some dirt to get it clean.

2

The Bathtub

If you're going to fill your tub with water and plunk your naked ass down in there, the tub better be clean first.

And I don't just mean regular clean, ol' boy. It has to be SPOTLESS. It must be Cometed out to the same standards as the kitchen sink, except maybe even more because I have orifices that will be in that water. I mean, what if a hair gets loose and floats around the water with you? What if it touches you?? WHAT IF IT'S NOT YOUR HAIR? 

WHAT IF A WET HAIR THAT ISN'T YOURS TOUCHES YOU ON YOUR ORIFICE.

Some women shave their legs in the bath. These people should have to go to jail.

3

Water Parks

When I was in 8th grade, I went on a class trip to Washington, DC. One of the days of the trip, we all got to go to a water park. Awesome! I loved water parks back then!!!!!

Then one of the guys in our class group somehow had an incident, and ...

DON'T READ THIS PART IF YOU'RE SQUEAMISH.

SERIOUSLY DON'T READ THIS PART. SKIP OVER THE SMALL TEXT.

His big toenail got caught in a seam and was ripped in half on a water slide, and when he was sitting at the bottom of the slide getting first aid, the water rushing past him was running red with his blood like it was real life Jaws or something. I assume the other half of his toenail just washed right on down out of there.




Try to get that image out of your head next time you look down a water slide. GO AHEAD AND TRY.


So you know what? Maybe I'm not ready to have a baby. Maybe the gross of the baby pooping in a diaper is just going to blow my mind. But I don't think so. I think as long as all her toenails stay on, I'll be just fine.

And as long as she stays away from the sink.

You never know what's going on in there when you're not looking.

NO!!!!

The Indignities of Pregnancy: I OWN ADULT DIAPERS.

Today's subject is something that's just a little bit taboo. Something most people don't want to bring up. But it's something we really need to discuss.

We're going to talk about adult diapers.

And paranoia.

And how paranoia leads to adult diapers.


First, let me share with you a statistic that may surprise you: less than 15% of pregnant women will experience their water breaking before labor begins (I found this number on the internet so you know it's accurate). It's far more likely that the ol' water won't break until late labor, when you've already probably peed yourself a bunch of times so it's not like anyone even notices or cares.

This is really surprising to me, because 1) in movies and on TV, roughly 100% of pregnant women's labors will start with their water breaking (usually in a hilariously inconvenient and embarrassing situation), and 2) of all the people I know who have given birth, approximately 100% of them had their labors start with their water breaking (usually in a hilariously inconvenient and embarrassing situation).

So f**k that 15% figure -- we all know it's closer to a 125% probability that one day I'll just be minding my own business and then WHOOSH -- my water will break and that will be my clue that it's time to have a baby. And whenever I am faced with a 140% probability of something bad happening, I take precautions.

Because that "water" that breaks ... it ain't water, kiddos.

So I bought a package of adult diapers, and last night, for the first time, I wore one over my underoos when I went to bed. Just in case.

Here are a few facts about adult diapers that you may not have known.

1

YOU WILL LOOK F**KING RIDICULOUS IN THEM

It turns out that adult diapers are basically just enormous maxi pads that have been made into underwear through the addition of lots of elastic and paper. Mine are a size Small and they still reach most of the way up to my waist. Or at least, they would, if I didn't have a giant pregnant belly that they can't get around ... so the front has to remain below the belly.

This makes the bottom of the diaper even baggier than it would be on a normal person.

Is it as bad as this? No, but nothing is as bad as this..

2

THEY WILL TURN YOU INTO A TODDLER, APPARENTLY

I was telling my mother about my plan to wear adult diapers at night so there are no disasters in our bed, and she raised a concern that I had never thought of before. Probably because it's completely ridiculous.

She worried that because of the diaper, if my water were to break, I might not even notice. I might just sleep right through it.

You see, when you're potty-training a toddler, part of the danger of letting them wear Pull-Ups diapers is that they can't feel when they're wet so they'll never learn to control when they pee. You have to put them in regular underwear even though it means lots of messes, because it's the only way they'll learn what "wet" feels like.

And since I am ALSO a toddler, the diaper will prevent me from noticing that my drawers are full of liquid. I'll just sleep a full eight hours with my underoos all soaked, because the diaper will have regressed me back to when I was 2 and pissed myself on the daily.

Makes sense, mom. Makes sense.

3

YOUR SPOUSE WILL NOT FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE

Apparently it's hard to be sexually attracted to someone who sleeps in a diaper.

Ohhh whatever, Jesse. Would I be MORE attractive if we found ourselves stripping the bed at 2am, frantically scrubbing the mattress to keep it from staining? Throwing away my body pillow, which I love, because it now "smells weird" and will never be the same again?

At least the diapers are a size Small. Just think -- there are people out there who not only wear adult diapers to bed every night, but have to wear the size XL ones. So ... it could be a lot worse.

And then there are the practical concerns. I mean, wearing the diaper at night makes sense -- I don't want to mess the bed. But what about during the evenings when we're sitting on the couch watching TV? Our couch cushions are filled with goose down. Do I need to do the math for you?

So really, I should start wearing the diaper pretty much as soon as I get home from work. Get home, shower, diaper up.

But then I have to wonder -- when did my life take this turn? When did I become the kind of person who lounges on the couch in a nightgown and a diaper, reading a book about breastfeeding and screaming "I asked for that cupcake like five f**king minutes ago! What's the bloody holdup?!?!?"

I used to be hot. I used to be hip. 

Now my nickname around the house is "the plump grump," and I can't even get mad because if I had to pick just a couple of traits to describe myself at this point, it would be "large" and "frequently irritable."

And "wears diapers."


And the worst part of it is, even though there's a 160% chance my water will break unexpectedly, all these diaper-related precautions just mean that my water will find a way to break during the six seconds per day that I'm not protected by an elderly person's shit-catcher. You know it will.

Late pregnancy, man. Killin' me.

Then once I got the cupcakes I had to decide which flavor to eat first and honestly the whole thing was just an ordeal.

Dear Patent: When is it okay to use Siri?

Here is a letter I received recently:*

Dear Patent,

I just got a new iPhone 4S and I am so excited to finally have access to the handy voice recognition software, Siri! Using Siri can be so helpful. My question is, are there times when it is and is not appropriate to use Siri? I trust your judgment and you have never led me astray so far. Please advise.

Sincerely,
Technologically Uncertain in Seattle

*wrote myself just now


Dear Technologically Uncertain in Seattle,

You were right to ask me about this. When it comes to orally telling your phone to do things, there are definitely some ground rules that you need to follow if you want to avoid looking and acting like a complete dumbass. Luckily for you, I am a generous person and willing to share my wisdom with all. Please read the following set of rules on when it is okay to use Siri, and if you stick to them, you should be fine!



Rule #1: It is fully acceptable to use Siri to program your GPS while driving.

Do you often forget to start up your mapping app before you start driving, and then suddenly you're merging onto the freeway and it dawns on you that you don't actually know how to get to where you're going? ME TOO!!! 

So in this situation, it's totally okay to boop-boop "Take me to Jim-Bob's Flophouse in Woodinville!" and then Siri will beep-beep back and suddenly your phone is all "in a quarter mile, exit right" and your life is good. Nobody will think less of you for this, because actually trying to manually type an address into a phone while driving is straight dangerous, yo.

Siri is so helpful and non-judgmental!

BUT -- 
It is NOT okay to use Siri to program your GPS when you're not driving

If you're sitting on your couch trying to see how far it is to the nearest Hooters, just type it into Google maps like a normal person. Don't be such a lazy asshole.

Rule #2: It is moderately acceptable to use Siri to type a text message while you're driving, if the text is very important

Texting while driving is dangerous! Don't do it!

Oh, but you say it's an emergency? You need to let your mom know you're going to be late to her Brazilian wax because there's a huge crash on the 99? Well in that case, Siri is happy to help you type the text without contributing your own vehicle to the crash on the 99.

That's really the part your Mom needed you there for anyway.

BUT -- 
It's pretty much not okay to use Siri to type a text message in any other situation

This is because: 1) talk-to-text technology is notoriously bad, so the odds are good you'll end up sending a text that looks like this:

You sent that to your Grandmother, you f**king sociopath.

And 2) Don't be such a lazy asshole. If you REALLY can't be bothered to communicate by typing, your phone has this neat function that lets you use your voice to communicate. IT IS KNOWN AS 'MAKING AN ACTUAL PHONE CALL' and has shown itself to be much more reliable than texts dictated to and read by Siri.

Also, "brick a shit" is the phrase of the day today. Try to use it in a sentence.


Rule #3: It is NEVER acceptable to use Siri for a Google search

Trust me, nobody -- NOBODY -- wants to hear whatever dumbass shit you're Googling. 

Don't be such a lazy asshole.

Oh boy. This guy's in for a disappointment.

I'm gonna go ahead and save you some time by letting you know that isn't normal.

A valid question.

I feel like I've made my point, but at the same time I feel like I'm not finished coming up with ridiculous Google searches, so I'm just going to keep going.

There are a number of possible reasons. All of them are bad.

Weirdo.

Sigh.

In conclusion, it's almost never acceptable to use Siri unless you're driving, and even then it's still not really acceptable.

Just deal with it, you lazy asshole.

And maybe make some friends, because you're talking out loud to your phone's AI like some kind of f**king psychopath.

Reel it in, dude. Reel it in.

*waits patiently* .........