Hey you -- we all know you're faking. Knock it off.

You know what really grinds my gears? People pretending to be a certain way whenever people are looking, even though in private they're much, much different (and worse).

Here are a few things that people like to showboat about that aren't fooling a soul. If you do these things, kindly stop it. You're just making yourself look ridiculous.

1

Pretending your relationship is stellar to hide the fact that it is garbage

Oh, we all know these people ... 

These people have phones that they could use to text each other or even call each other. They live together, so they could communicate face to face like normal humans. They could even send each other private Facebook messages to talk about how many smooches they are sending each other in the shower. So why, pray tell, would they choose to make this irritating interaction public?

My guess? Because Alison banged the entire San Antonio Spurs basketball team, while Jake has impregnated three other women so far this year alone, but they're too embarrassed to break up before Alison's younger sister's wedding (because Alison gave her sister quite a lecture about monogamy before being seduced by the Spurs), so they're pretending their relationship isn't faker than Alison's boobs (the Spurs didn't mind) by acting as lovey-dovey as possible in public.

Look at her, bangin' em all right out there on the court with everyone's clothes on and she cloned herself somehow and this is very poorly executed.

Not bad, Jake. Not bad.

What's really weird is that the people who do this seem to genuinely believe that they're getting away with it. They really think there are people out there who see this exchange and think "wow, I have never chatted via Facebook comment with my husband while he showered. I guess I don't love him as much as Jake and Alison love each other :-("

But that doesn't happen. Everyone who sees this just thinks "I give them a month, tops."

2

Pretending to discipline your child in public when we all know the inmates are running the asylum at home

Kids of a certain age are just shitheads, and there's nothing that can really be done about it. If a kid between the ages of, say, 1.5-6 years old is out in public, chances are that kid is going to shithead it up at least once. It's just their nature.

However, it is very easy to tell the difference between a misbehaving kid who is regularly disciplined at home and a misbehaving kid whose only 'punishment' at home is making his mother cry for seven hours every day.

Yeah, I don't think three-year-olds are at the age where guilt works on them yet. Wait til he's 40 and this strategy will be SOLID GOLD.

A friend of mine has a very, shall we say, "spirited" young boy. He has ADHD, which she is trying her best to control with the absolute minimum amount of prescription drugs. When that kid acts up, you don't even have a chance to blink before she's got him standing with his nose against the wall counting to 100 or doing wall sits while explaining why what he did was wrong. This is clearly a child who hears the crack of the whip on the regular. And I respect the hell out of his mom for being the Mighty Master of Discipline. 

And then there are the people who are not Mighty Masters of Discipline. We've all seen them -- a kid is on his back in the Walmart toy aisle screaming like he's being disemboweled, and his mother just stands next to him mumbling things like "if you don't get up right now I won't get you those Legos ... okay if you get up right now you can have the Legos ... okay you can have the Legos either way but if you get up now then you can also have ice cream on the way home ..."

But the worst category of all are the people who let their kid run wild at home, but think they can hide that from the world with a couple of well-timed strict pronouncements when they're out in public. The kid is running laps around the table at Christmas dinner and knocks Grandma over, so his Mom puffs out her chest and says "THAT'S IT! YOU'RE ON A TIME OUT!" And the kid's response?

And then the kid is like:

He is so badly behaved that he actually becomes a completely different child.

And now Grandma is aflame and Christmas dinner is RUINED.

RUINED.

Look, if you don't or can't discipline your kids at home, that's fine. (it's not fine). But don't go around pretending like you're f***ing Michelle Duggar, because you're not fooling anyone. You're much better off just throwing up your hands and letting your crazy Aunt Berthilda discipline your kids for you when they try to knock Grandma over at dinner. I guarantee they'll never do it again.

3

Pretending you're "thankful" for all your "blessings" when we all know it's YOURSELF that you're most thankful for

Some people are legitimately religious and like to thank God for all their blessings. Those people are fine and can happily continue on their merry thankful way.

But then ... there are these:

Ugh. Tucking a quick sentence about thankfulness onto the end of a long brag doesn't make it not a brag. I bet if you were to press Melinda about her #blessings, you could get her to admit that it wasn't actually Jesus who brought them these things. It was her hard work at the gym that helped her shed those pounds, and her husband's long hours at the office that earned him that promotion, and her many, many angry and vaguely threatening phone calls to her children's teachers that earned them those spots on the honor roll.

Don't pretend at piety to excuse your bragging. Just brag already. That's what 99% of people use Facebook for anyhow. You should see MY page!

If this isn't bragging, I don't know what is.

#soblessed

#thankful

#Jesus

#diaperfetish

My baby looks like various celebrities

Babies are weird. They make weird faces, and as they grow, they look completely different from one week to the next. One day they'll look like Richard Nixon, Bob Barker the next, and then suddenly all you'll see is Barney the Dinosaur ... there's no predicting it. Here are a few pictures of my baby over the course of her life where she looks like various celebrities:

 Baby the Hutt

 I am very happy.

 Everyone likes me but nobody's sure why.

 Lee Daniels' "The Lazy Eye"

 All Hail Glorious Baby

Fat guy in a little coat.

I'm judging you, which is kind of a pot-kettle situation since I am notably INSANE.

Why do you always bring up Gallipoli? I've told you time and again, it's a sore subject.

Thanks for playing! And thanks to those whose ideas I blatantly stole borrowed for this post (Nick for the Jabba the Hutt, Alec for the "glorious baby" quote). I'm not that creative so I need a lot of help from clever friends.

We'll play again when Audrey is older and looks more like Ian McKellan.

Also, I just now realized that NONE of her celebrity lookalikes are female. Wamp womp.

Stupid things idiots who can't drive like to do

My commute has been miserable this week (well, it's miserable ALWAYS, but after a week of vacation it seems even worse) so instead of writing a normal happy post, I am going to bitch angrily about all the dumb things people do on the road that make me hate them.

1

I no can understood "zipper merge"

When a lane is ending and a merge is necessary, here's what you do: you keep driving allllll the way up until the lines separating the two lanes start to disappear. Use that time to work on matching your speed to the speed of the cars in the lane you're going to be merging into. Then, when you get to the merge point, make sure your blinker is on and just drift into the spot between two cars. One of the cars already in that lane goes, then you go, then the next car already in that lane goes, then another car merges in behind him, and so on and so on like a ZIPPER so that nobody should need to hit their brakes.

Just like this handy diagram I made for you. Look how nicely that worked out!

What you should NOT do is slam on your brakes and sit with your blinker on at zero miles per hour 200 yards before the lane even starts to end. You f***ing driving school reject jackass. I hate you and I hate everyone like you who also does not understand how to zipper merge. Take a goddamned bus or something.

STAY HOME. THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

Usually, when someone does this, I just go around them and continue up to the actual merge point and do my zipper merge like normal. It's not my fault you're an idiot, and I'm certainly not going to wait for you to idiot yourself out of my way.

2

So what if super rain is falls, why need I to turn on headlights?

I cannot believe how many people drive around in piss-ass pouring rain on the freeway with no damn lights on. Do you realize that you're completely invisible when you do that? Like, James Bond invisible car invisible? When it's raining hard enough for you to need your wipers on, turn on your goddamned lights you idiot. What are you, trying to save energy? Jesus Christ, you suck. I would say "I hope you crash" except it will probably be me that you crash into, so I guess I just hope you continue to get lucky. F*** you.

"But driving without your lights on is like smoking cigarettes -- it's a total sign of coolness! People will think I'm such a square if I turn on my lights! 'There goes that rule-follower,' they'll say. My reputation will be ruined!" -- a person who doesn't deserve to exist

3

Why you no want gas-brake-gas-brake-gas-brake in bumper-to-bumper traffic? You so slow, I pass you and make fast times 1 car ahead of you

My usual commute involves driving on a road with a major traffic bunching problem. You'll go 30mph for a while, then all of a sudden everyone is back to 5mph, then stopped completely, then 20mph, then stopped again. I hate driving in that shit, moving my foot from gas to brake to gas to brake every two seconds. It's also hell for your gas mileage. It makes a lot more sense to accelerate and decelerate more slowly, using the gas pedal to control your speed and braking only when necessary. But for this to work, you need to leave some space between you and the car in front of you -- you know, so that you have room to slow down without braking when you see red lights in front of you.

Most people understand this.

Some people don't.

They become furious at me for leaving these gaps between my car and the car in front of me, so they aggressively speed into the other lane and zoom around me at the first opportunity, moving back in in front of me ... where they proceed to move exactly the same speed they were before, but one car length further ahead, and with a lot more gas-brake-gas-brake action. Great job, buddy. You will get home .01 seconds faster than you would have if you'd just stayed behind me, and you'll burn a bunch more gas. You win!!!

4

I enjoy to make crash into other cars!

WHY DOES EVERYONE DO THIS ALL THE TIME. KNOCK IT OFF.

 "Sorry! I was trying to thumbs-down that Creed song that came on my 90's alt rock Pandora playlist." 

"Creed on a 90's alt rock Pandora playlist? I don't even blame you for running into me! I'd have done the same!"

5

Yes there be two lanes, but right lane gives cancer so instead everyone must drives in the left lane only to make extra traffics!

I think this is a Seattle thing. Imagine you're driving on a road that has two lanes. Eventually, one of the lanes will end and everyone will merge back down into one lane. But the lane won't be ending for a while yet -- a quarter mile at least. So what do you do? Do you make use of both lanes for as long as possible, and then execute a flawless zipper merge down to one lane just in time to fly through a green light and onto the freeway?

OF COURSE YOU DON'T! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT???!?!

Instead, you frantically sit in the right line at a DEAD STOP with your blinker on, trying to merge into the left lane a quarter mile too early. But no one will let you in, because the left lane is a solid wall of cars (traffic flows much better up by that green light. Y'know, where the MERGE POINT ACTUALLY IS). In fact, it's such a solid wall of cars, some people have to wait at a green light because there is no room for them on the other side of the intersection.

That is, there is no room for them in the left lane. The right lane is free and clear ... but people will literally sit and wait at a green light rather than make use of the right lane ... because it is going to end eventually.

It is the dumbest f***ing thing I have ever seen in my life.

But hey, at least I get to work a little faster as I fly past this wall of morons in the right lane and then zipper merge up where I'm supposed to. And when people sit in the right lane not moving with their blinker on, guess who gets to give them the most self-righteous and violent honk attack of her life?

 Highlight of my day, really.