Always say please. Always.

Teaching kids good manners is a 24/7 job. They're always watching you, and learning from you, and absorbing every single thing you do.

So, I make sure to remember to always say "please" and "thank you" to Audrey.

Sometimes this is hard, though. For example:

"Don't use Mommy's hair as a rope to help you stand up in the bed please."

Babies shouldn't be standing up in the bed anyway. It always ends badly.

"Do NOT roll over and crawl away while there's still poop on your bum, please!"

I cropped this one instead of drawing a poopy butt because I want you to like me.

"You cannot play inside the refrigerator. Please come here so Mommy can close it." [cue loud, angry crying as baby is forcibly removed from refrigerator] "Thank you."

Seriously, as soon as that fridge door opens, she's there. She's like your roommate's stoner friend who's been living on your couch for the past three weeks.

"Don't update Mommy's Facebook please."

If you see something like this, either Audrey got my phone or I'm having a stroke. You should hit "like" either way, because it's the polite thing to do.

"DO NOT REACH INTO THE TOILET. PLEASE."

WE DO NOT DO SPLISH SPLASH IN THE TOILET. PLEASE AND THANK YOU.

So there you have it, guys. Always be polite to your kid, and they will probably grow up to be a wonderful part of society. 

Or maybe just a good kindergarten teacher.

Drawing practice: let's learn to draw a bird!

Look, we all know I'm not really the best artist. But I'm working on it.

So today I am going to learn how to draw a bird properly, using some simple internet tutorials. And not a moment too soon, either -- without any assistance, I draw birds like this:

Even the bird looks disappointed with how much he sucks.

What I'm going to do here is find some templates on how to draw a bird, and I'm going to copy them. And then you can see just how easy it actually is to draw stuff!

I will start with an easy one, copying this template here:

4 easy steps? No problem! Even I can handle that. Plus I like that it gives me some tips on how to color it. I need direction like that. Here's how mine turned out:

Great, right? Looks just like the template! Who knew I had that in me!!!


Time to step it up a little with a slightly more complex bird:

No worries; I got this. Check it out.

I got a little more creative with the color scheme this time. Looks fab, right?

Since I'm getting so much better at drawing birds, I think I'm ready to take it up another level. This time I'm going to draw a cardinal, using a pattern that requires me to erase some lines after I make them. Looks pretty tough but I'm feeling good about myself so I'm sure I can do it:

Ready? Are you ready for this?

Drawing the cardinal did not go well :-(

The sun is like "dude wtf this is horrible."

Alright, alright, so I kind of pushed my luck on that one. I tried to do one that was beyond my abilities. You might even say I ... flew too close to the sun.

"Lol"

Not a big deal -- just need to reel it in a little and try another easy one.


I bet I can draw bird C on this guide:

OH SNAP TOO BAD NOBODY TOOK ME UP ON THAT BET! You'd owe me some cash because LOOK AT THIS BITCH!

That is a f***ing bird right there. Damn. Damn.


Feeling pretty confident again, I think it's time to notch things back up a little. Maybe not quite to the cardinal level of difficulty, but at least I feel like I can give bird D on the above template a shot:

I know I was supposed to erase that line but it made him look like a pirate so I decided to leave it in. Artistic license, bitches.

So there you go. That's how you draw birds. Feel free to give it a try and send me what you come up with. If they're half as good as mine (impossible!), I'll totally post them here.


And what should we learn to draw next? I'm thinking dinosaurs but I'm open to suggestions. Happy drawing, friends!

Animated GIF Friday: A GIF for when someone completely misses your sarcasm

So I know the art on this is shitty, and I may yet do more work on it, but you get the idea. It's a GIF to post in response to morons who repeatedly whoosh on your sarcasm and just take it literally. Bless their little hearts.