Arts and crafts time! Drawing more shit that babies like

My niece is now almost a year old, and that baby is toy-crazy. She loves all the really interactive stuff, with lots of buttons that make lights and songs and sounds play. She wants you to watch her play with the toy, and act like you're super excited and amazed every time she pushes a button and a song plays. It's totally adorable and I love playing with kids that age.

So naturally, I started thinking about what kinds of toys I should be accumulating for my own soon-to-be offspring. I mean, I know they don't really PLAY much at first, but surely there's gotta be some stuff that newborn babies like, and I should try and have that stuff on hand before she's born, right?

So I started doing some more research into what really young babies like to do with their awake-time, hoping that I could maybe take a weekend to make a few things that the baby will enjoy.

Now you get to benefit from my research! Let's get down to arts and crafts business to make some awesome toys for babies!!! Yeah, arts and crafts! Don't worry if you're not that crafty -- this handy guide makes it easy for ANYONE to contribute to a newborn baby's toy bin!


When babies are first born, their vision is pretty terrible. They can only see like a foot in front of their face, and they can't really handle a lot of colors because their brains aren't developed enough. So if you were to show them a neat picture like this, they'd be totally overstimulated:

It was the blue parallelogram that took it too far.

Nope, if you want to mesmerize and enthrall a newborn baby with some killer artwork, I recommend starting with something like this:

Seriously.

Supposedly the baby will f**king stare at this shit for like 10 minutes until she falls asleep. 

A f**king line. A black line on a white background.

When the baby gets a little older, you can really start to branch out on your artwork. For example, you can maybe make your baby something that looks like this:

You'll want to stick with bright primary colors so you don't overwhelm them.

Or, if you've got a real knack for art, you can ditch the ruler and make something like this instead:

Babies are basically tiny grownups who have done so much acid you are genuinely worried they might stay that way forever.

If you want to totally blow their minds (but be careful not to overstimulate them, or you'll wind up with a fussy baby that won't nap), you can go so far as to draw something like this:

Don't even dream of showing them the French flag until they're at least a month old. Their tiny little soft heads will explode.

So, the moral of the story is ... I guess I don't need to worry about buying any toys for a good long while. Because this:

Dude, parallel lines of differing thickness? Get the f**k out of here. Next you're gonna tell me men have walked on the moon.

... is like the greatest thing on earth as far as a baby is concerned.

Babies are dumb, y'all.


Still no word on what would happen if you showed them this, though:

They'd probably love it.

Friday Poundings: One month to go

This week has dragged harder than any week has in a long time. I don't know why, but damn if I ain't glad it's over.

Part of the problem, I think, is that I was pretty anxious to get to today, September 6 ... because I'm due to have this baby on October 6. That's a month away, kiddos. This is the last big milestone. Now we just wait.

Being a month away from my due date means I've been spending a lot of time preparing the house for little one's arrival. Babies are notoriously unpredictable, and I'd hate to go into labor tomorrow and be like "oh damn, the baby will have to sleep on a towel in an empty drawer and wear burlap sacks because we haven't prepared anything." So, I've been hard at work getting the place ready just in case she pops out early. If I get everything ready to go with weeks to spare, then I can just lounge my giant ass on the couch watching TV -- a pretty heavenly way to enjoy one's last few weeks of non-parenthood, I think.

But ... let me tell you what a giant pain in the ass it is to wash baby stuff.

Like, all of it is a pain in the ass somehow. There is not one thing made for babies that is at all convenient to wash.

First, there are all the things that you can't even put in the washing machine at all. For example, the jogging stroller and pack n' play bassinet thing -- there are no parts that come off and go into the washing machine. None. So how did I have to wash those? Outside on the patio with a hose and a bucket of soapy water like I was washing a goddamned car. There is no other way. 

I would love to know, by the way, what kind of brain-dead shit-eating jackass decided to create items specifically for babies that are not able to be washed in any sort of reasonable fashion. Have they not ever met babies? Are they not aware of what babies do? They pee and poo and puke everywhere. It's kind of their M.O. So why would THE BED THAT THE BABY SLEEPS IN EVERY NIGHT not be washable? WHY?! God that shit was a f**king pain in my ass. Thankfully it was sunny out so the stuff dried quickly enough ... but what do people who live in apartments do? Do they take their pack n' plays to the local car wash? Bring it into the shower with them? I mean, really?! I HAD TO SPRAY IT WITH A HOSE. THAT IS NOT CONVENIENT.

Then there are the things that DO have covers that come off and go into the washing machine ... if you're the right combination of Incredible Hulk and rocket scientist that it takes to actually take off/put back on all the machine-washable parts. I bought a baby swing on Craigslist and tried to take the cover off it, and it bent one of my fingernails backwards. I ended up having to get Jesse to take it off, because I wasn't strong enough and I was worried about my other nine fingernails. The cover had a little stuffed bunny rabbit attached to it that claimed not to be machine-washable. Oh hell no -- you better believe that f**king rabbit went into the washing machine. I ain't hand-washing that shit.

And the car seat? Don't even get me started on that goddamned thing. It took me a full five minutes to get all the fabric parts off of it and into the washing machine, and then a full ten minutes to put it all back on once it was washed. Well, a full ten minutes if you don't count the fact that there's still one corner I couldn't get back on and Jesse will have to take care of. Because once again, I apparently lack the incredible fingertip strength needed to stretch this stupid fabric back over the seat frame. Please note, I did not put anything into the dryer. It didn't shrink. It is just f**king designed to piss me off. Graco can just eat my asshole.

Okay, then there's all the baby clothes and bibs and blankets and what-have-you. Everything you buy has to be washed before it can be used, because apparently the baby clothes factory uses noxious chemicals and cancer to make its clothing and only a Grade A monster would put those cancer-clothes onto their baby without washing them first. Okay, fine. All baby clothes must go for a ride in the washer and dryer. 

On the delicate setting.

And of course in their own detergent, which is scent-free, additive-free, allergen-free, unflavored, uncolored, bleachless, soapless, and made from a mixture of recycled newspapers and 100% renewable orphan tears.

Then the clothes go into the dryer, also on the low-heat delicate setting because even though a tiny little newborn-sized sleeper costs like $15, it is nevertheless some of the shoddiest workmanship I've ever seen from clothing and it will dissolve into a pile of loose threads if you so much as CONSIDER drying it on high heat.

Oh, and did I mention the cloth diapers? They need to be pre-washed 5-7 times in order to get their absorbency up to par. But -- and this should come as no surprise -- the cloth diapers can't be washed with any of the other baby stuff, because they have their OWN special detergent which must be purchased online. Because of course they do. Why would they use the same detergent as the other baby stuff? What sort of glue are you sniffing that would make you think all baby stuff could use the same detergent!?! You must be an idiot!!

I've washed the cloth diapers 3 times now. Only 3 more to go and they'll be ready to start actually becoming dirty. Naturally, all other laundry must wait while these f**king things go from washer to dryer to washer to dryer to washer to dryer for the full 6 rotations. F**k. Jesse's gonna have to start turning his underwear inside-out.

Oh yeah, and my entire laundry room and dining room are now filled with hand-knit blankets that have been washed and are trying to dry (ummmm obvs they can't go in the dryer, dummy).

Still on the list is to sanitize all the bottles/bottle accouterments  and of course all the parts of the breast milk pump, which are numerous and extremely confusing. What do you want to bet I can't just put all this shit in the dishwasher with our normal dishwasher detergent? Where can I buy baby-safe dishwasher detergent with the appropriate ratio of recycled newspaper and 100% renewable orphan tears??

And don't let me forget about all the toys I bought at the second hand store. How exactly do you wash a stuffed rattle?

F**k it. I'm putting it in the dishwasher too.

I'm over it.

It will just make the baby stronger.

Probably.

Behold my 8-months-pregnant basketball. Behold it!!!

More memes: a how-to guide

So last week I used an online meme generator to make my own versions of some popular memes for you. But since you guys are a bunch of bastards, some of you felt the need to point out that my memes weren't very good. In fact, you said they were quite bad.

That really hurt my feelings.

I worked hard on those memes, guys.

But I pride myself on the quality of this blog, so I decided to give this whole "meme" thing another try. This time, I did some more research before just jumping right in. And I am going to share this research with you so that maybe you can also learn how to throw together a killer meme. Read and learn, kids.


Third World Skeptical Kid:

Last week, before I did any research, I probably would have posted something like this:

But that was then. Now I know how to make a proper "Third World Skeptical Kid" meme. 

You see, my first line was good -- it had potential to go somewhere funny. But then I dropped the ball on the punchline. Based on the kid's face, he should have said something negative about the entire practice of filtering tap water. It doesn't make sense for him to just suggest using a different filter. Do you understand?

Me neither.

This meme is too hard.

Let's try another one.


Matrix Morpheus Meme:

This meme takes a picture of Morpheus's face and opens with "What if I told you". And then you are supposed to add something totally hilarious or awesome to the bottom. Something that will blow people's minds. 

Like for example:

I dunno, maybe something about owls.

Is your mind blown?

It should be.

I know mine is.

Since I nailed that one, it's time to move on to something a little more difficult.


Bad Luck Brian Meme:

With the Bad Luck Brian meme, what you do is write the top line about some bit of good fortune that has come Brian's way. And then with the bottom line, you destroy that good fortune with some hilarious unforeseen consequence that would only happen to a guy as ugly as our boy Brian.

Check it out:

You see? Because finding a dead raccoon is awesome! Brian's day was off to a great start! But then he ate it raw and died -- talk about turning good luck into bad luck, amirite?!?

Then there's the opposite of Bad Luck Brian:


Success Kid Meme:

"Success Kid" starts out with a bit of good fortune, and then it turns into EVEN BETTER FORTUNE at the end!

This meme is really boring though so instead I did this:

That really happened! And it wasn't even me that did it!

Toy Story Meme:

This meme is sooooo easy, even I can pull it off! All you do is choose something that you think happens too often, and write it on the top line. Then write it again on the bottom line, followed by the word "everywhere."

Wait, I actually kind of did that one right.

That's lame.

There, that's much better. I like to go out on a high note.

I think I'm going to retire from memes for a while. I'm getting too good. It's not fair to everyone else.