Are you allowed to have a mustache?

Mustaches are tricky little bitches these days. Most people can't pull them off, and yet every man tries to grow one at least once in his life.

Mustaches discriminate. They are sexist, ageist, and above all, racist. They care not for income, looks, or social status. They're above all that.

We are going to use the following flow chart to answer the all-important question of whether or not YOU are allowed to have a mustache:

Question 1: Are you a woman?

If No, go to Question 2. If Yes, then NO MUSTACHE FOR YOU.

I never thought I'd feel bad for Madonna's kid ... but I so, so do.

Question 2: Is it November?

If No, go to Question 3. If Yes, then congratulations to you for raising awareness of prostate cancer by taking part in Movember!

Question 3: Are you over the age of 60, or is your hair all gray/white?

If No, go to Question 4. If Yes, then enjoy your bushy old-man mustache!

Mark Twain rocked that shit.

Question 4: Are you a white dude?

If No, go to Question 5. If Yes, then NO MUSTACHE FOR YOU.

You look like a cousing-f***ing hillbilly.

Question 5: Are you of Asian descent?

If No, go to Question 6. If Yes, then NO MUSTACHE FOR YOU.

Sorry guys; they just don't ever seem to grow in right.

Question 6: Are you black?

If No, go to Question 7. If Yes, then keep that mustache trimmed up and you’re good to go!

I've never questioned anything Will Smith did, and I don't plan on starting now.

Question 7: Are you Middle Eastern, Indian, or some other brown-skinned race?

If No, go to Question 8. If Yes, know that your mustache makes you look like some combination of a terrorist and a pathetic loser trying to look old and distinguished.

The mustache is the ill-fitting pantsuit of the face.

Question 8: Are you Latino?

If No, then what the hell are you? What races did I miss? It doesn’t matter. No mustache for you. If Yes, go on to Question 9.

Question 9: Do you wear a sombrero on a regular basis?

If No, then go on to question 10. If Yes, then you are probably awesome.

This guy would look ridiculous if he DIDN'T have a mustache.

Question 10: Do you enjoy raping people?

If No, then WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU HAVE A MUSTACHE THAT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE YOU DO?

Ahem.

If Yes … well … I guess … I guess I don’t have much to say to you. Except that raping is bad.

 

NOTABLE EXCEPTIONS:

Tom Selleck

 

Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation

 

I hope we all learned something here. Especially you, Nick, whose rapist mustache prompted me to write this whole post. November is over, dude. SHAVE THAT SHIT.