I suck at Twitter.

Whenever I try something new, I expect to be good at it right away (obviously). And so when I'm NOT good at it right away, I get pissed off and quit.

And you know what I'm all pissed off at and want to quit at the moment? MOTHER-EFFING TWITTER.

Twitter is an asshole. It's like a really shitty version of Facebook that sucks and I hate it and it also sucks. And here's why:

1

I don't actually know any of the people I follow, and they don't care that I exist

I love Facebook, and I love my Facebook friends (except for the ones that suck and need to get unfriended). My Facebook friends are mostly regular people who I've met at least once in real life. So it's not weird that we talk to each other on there and comment on each other's posts. I think of Facebook as a giant and constant conversation with people I know and feel comfortable chatting with.

The people I follow on Twitter, meanwhile, are super celebrities with a kajillion followers who couldn't care less about me. So I'm all:

Note: I do not actually follow Justin Bieber. I can tell you with nearly 100% certainty that I will never, ever give even a quarter of a shit about anything he has to say. Even when it's about ponies. I don't really care for ponies, as a matter of fact.

The fact that these celebrities don't care about me makes me sad. NOTICE ME, SETH McFARLANE! NOTICE ME, STEPHEN COLBERT!

BUT LIKE A BUNCH OF MEANIE-HEAD CHEERLEADERS, THEY DON'T NOTICE ME.

Then again, the reason they don't notice me is probably because...

2

I don't have any followers

How do I get those? Oh yeah, I guess I need to start tweeting awesome shit and being all relevant with my hashtags and crap.

I bet tweets like this would get me TRILLIONS of followers!

And I need to start publicizing my twitter feed. But here I am, publicizing it, and probably won't get any followers because...

3

I don't know what the hell to tweet

Since I don't have any followers, I don't want to waste any funny thoughts on Twitter because it's like yelling jokes down a well. (a well that Timmy isn't currently trapped in, of course)

Stupid Timmy never plays along.

So I save all my good material for Facebook. I guess I could link my Facebook and Twitter, but then it'd be totally redundant for anyone who was a friend/follower on both. So do I have to come up with different material for each? I DON'T HAVE IT IN ME TO BE THAT CREATIVE!

4

I even suck at following other people

I can't even follow people properly, because I hate most people on there. I will only follow people who are 1) funny; 2) don't tweet too much and clog up my feed; and 3) aren't always telling me to do shit. I tried following The Onion but DUDE, they tweet something like once a minute. And they're all just links to the same articles. Slow your roll, Onion. Unfollow.

Then I tried following Ellen DeGeneres, because hey, she's funny ... but all her tweets were like "watch me on this show today!" and "donate to this charity" and "read this book" and I was like HEY ELLEN, QUIT TELLING ME WHAT TO DO! I DON'T WANT TO READ WHATEVER BOOK YOUR STUPID FRIEND WROTE THAT IS PROBABLY GOOD AND I WOULD REALLY ENJOY IT BUT NOW I'M NOT GOING TO READ IT JUST OUT OF SPITE BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE BEING BOSSED AROUND.

Ahem. Deep breath. And Unfollow.

So the moral of the story is, Twitter sucks and I hate it. I feel like it's high school all over again where I'm the lame loner watching these conversations going on between all these people who understand how Twitter works ... and I'm just sitting there tweeting out links to my blog to absolutely no one.

F*ck you, Twitter. And f*ck you too, Timmy. What kind of an idiot falls down a well all the time anyway? I bet your Twitter feed is worse than Bieber's.

I bet Timmy would tweet meaningless douchey stuff like this.

Meanwhile, can someone teach me how to do Twitter right? It is destroying my self esteem. Follow me, and we can start sending each other tweets about hashtags and stuff. I'll come up with funny crap, I swear!

See? I'm already getting better at it!

 

UPDATE: Guess who just scored a TWITTER FOLLOWER??! Prepare for some mind-blowing knock-knock jokes, world ...