How to get your ass unfriended on Facebook

I don’t take Facebook very seriously. I don’t use it to broadcast political views, share deeply personal information about my life, or be all scandalous just to start arguments with people. I don’t think that Facebook friendships are in any way equitable to real-life friendships -- my “friends” are more like Twitter followers than actual butt buddies.

To me, the point of Facebook is to amuse. I try to put up funny status updates and funny pictures for you all to comment on, and I enjoy reading through my news feed to see what sort of shenanigans my amigos have gotten themselves into. I don’t really go around deleting people from my friends list, because why bother? Keeping them there isn’t harming me.

Typical Facebook status for me.

But sometimes, man, someone has to get the axe. It’s no easy feat getting yourself booted from my list, but it can be done. Here's how it usually goes:

STEP 1: I Have to Unsubscribe From Your Annoying Updates

I scroll through my news feed and what do I see from you? Maybe I see this:

Oh good, your daily “state of my face” picture, which is always taken from above while you wear a cleavage-revealing shirt and puff out your lips. You put up at least five pictures of your face per week. It is annoying, and I will unsubscribe from your stupid face after I’m forced to look at it for the twentieth time.

Or maybe I see this:

Oh good, political updates. You know, I was totally undecided until I saw your post. I clicked that link and read the article, and boy did it ever open my eyes! I can’t wait for Election Day now so I can go vote for the same guy as you!

... said no one, ever. If you think a Facebook status is going to help someone win the election, you’ve probably  been freebasing too much marijuana (or whatever the kids are doing today). And now I’ve unsubscribed from you, because you bore me.

Or maybe I see this:

I think I can speak for all of your 8542 Facebook friends when I say I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND LITTLE JIM-BOB THAT I JUST POOPED MY PANTS.

Ironic, right?!

UNSUBSCRIBE.

STEP 2: I Have to Add You to my Restricted List

Once your annoying updates are hidden from my news feed, you’re really just lurking silently in my friends list. You can’t bother me – your whiny voice has been silenced, and your pictures of duck face have been swept under the rug. Facebook time becomes happy once again.

But you were not content to lurk, no sir. You needed your voice to be heard. And so you brought your incessant yapping to my page.

NOT COOL, BRO.

And let's not forget these charming commenters, the spelling police and the oddly, pointlessly argumentative person:

I like my Facebook experience to be drama-free. If you bring the dramaz, you’ll find yourself added to the Restricted list in my account settings:

And the only things you’ll get to see on my Facebook page are profile picture updates and basic information. My hilarious wit is no longer available to you.

See this?

YOU DON'T GET TO HAVE ANY OF THIS.

YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF!

STEP 3: Deleted, Motherf*cker!

Your updates are hidden from me, and my updates are hidden from you, so at this point we are friends in name only. And that’s fine with me. I like it that way.

But you’re not done with me yet. You won’t let me get away so easily. No, no; you’re going to do whatever it takes to STILL piss me off on Facebook. At this point, it’s almost impressive.

Facebook doesn't make it easy to unfriend, and it's even harder to do it from a mobile phone ... but so help me God, I will find a way if it prevents you from posting a diarrhea-face on my wall. You fucking maniac.