What should I write in birthday cards at the office??

I work in one of those offices where everyone pretends to like each other, and this means that whenever someone's birthday comes up, a card gets passed around the entire office for everyone to sign.

I kind of hate this. Specifically, I hate how much pressure it puts on me to come up with something creative to write every single time.

Now, I know that I don't really have to write something creative. I could just write "Happy birthday" and sign my name. (so boring)

Or I could spice it up with "Happy birthday! Hope it's a great one!!" (also boring)

I could even write "Hope your birthday is as wonderful as you are!" and draw a little happy face. This is the kind of sentiment I like to call 'a groaner,' because it's so inexpressibly lame.

The fact is, none of these options are acceptable for me -- my standards are higher than that. When I get a card signed by a bunch of people but nobody has written anything interesting in it, I can't help but wonder why they went to the trouble of getting me a card in the first place. What do I benefit from seeing a piece of stiff paper that a bunch of people have written their names on? Does this improve the quality of my birthday in any meaningful way? 

And what about all the time that was wasted passing the card around so that everyone could write their names on it for me to completely ignore?

No, no. The only way the entire practice makes any sense at all is if people at least TRY to write something interesting in the card. 

The best course of action is to refer to some inside joke you have with the person getting the card:

Haha, don't you wish you worked with these jokers??!? That office must be a laugh a minute.

But what if you don't have an inside joke at all? What if you don't even really know the person that well??? WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO WRITE THEN?!?!?!?!

Fear not! Here are a few options for neat things you could write into people's birthday cards to make their birthday just a little bit brighter:

1

A drawing of an animal wearing a birthday hat with a stupid pun

The only thing people love more than badly-drawn animals in birthday hats is facepalmingly bad puns to go with those animals. Trust me on this.

Except when that bitch Janet copies your idea. F***ing bitch.

That's a cow, you idiot. A cow. That's why the herd joke makes sense. I mean yeah it's just one cow, but you know what? You don't get a f***ing birthday card anymore. I just ripped it up. Happy?

2

A statement about how the person is old and will likely die soon

People LOVE being reminded of their own mortality. This is comedy 101. Maybe it's the low-hanging fruit of the joke world, but I assure you, your hilarious birthday card comment is going to have everyone in stitches.

Ah, Millenials, amirite??

 "Just something to think about while you stuff yourself with chocolate cheesecake."

3

A neutral but vaguely creepy statement about how awesome you hope their birthday is

It's like taking the white rice "Hope your birthday is a great one!" and pouring some Sriracha sauce on it. Everyone loves a little spice!

I guess every year I last without contracting HIV/AIDS is a good year?? 

Imagine if you got a whole birthday card full of messages like this. Would you look at your coworkers a little differently?

4

Make fun of someone who signed the card before you

If they didn't want you to make fun of them, they should have waited to sign the card until after you. They earned this.

5

Draw a dick-butt

Everyone enjoys a good dick-butt birthday card. Everyone.

There you go, guys -- a whole host of ideas to keep those office birthday cards fun for everyone! Let me know if any of these ideas turn you into the office clown. I love hearing feedback from my readers :-)


(and just in case you're a little slow, please don't ever EVER draw a dick-butt in an office birthday card. Just don't. Unless it's MY birthday card -- then please draw all of the dick-butts)

Animals wearing fashionable hats

Audrey has been teething all weekend, which means nobody has gotten much sleep and everyone has diarrhea.

So if you were hoping for a really well thought out and expertly illustrated post, you are in for a disappointment. In fact, no matter what you were hoping for, this post is probably going to be a disappointment.

It's just a bunch of TERRIBLE drawings of animals wearing very fashionable hats.

I don't know.

These are so horrible. I'm ashamed.

And I will draw more as the day wears on, because at the very least, I'd hate to give anyone reason to complain that there weren't ENOUGH horrible drawings of animals wearing fashionable hats in this post.

"These are so bad, and there are so few of them!" -- you

Not on my watch, kiddos.

UPDATE: Here are some more!

Anti jokes, also told by eels

All my life, I've loved anti jokes, and I didn't even know it. As it turns out, most of my original bad memes were actually anti jokes.

It's okay to groan.

Now that I have discovered this huge hole in my life, I am desperately trying to fill it with as many anti jokes as I can!

An anti joke is simple: you start with what sounds like the opening line of a joke, but then instead of delivering a hilarious punchline, you pour a big bowl of creamed corn down your audience's pants.

In order to demonstrate, I have rewritten all the jokes that appeared in this Bad Joke Eel post. If you didn't read that one, go ahead and click over there first to read the jokes in their original form. (or don't; I don't really care)

And now ... THE ANTI JOKES YOU'VE NOT BEEN WAITING FOR!!!

YOU'RE WELCOME EVERYONE.

My baby is fat

I've always said that fat isn't just a state of the body; it's a state of mind. Being fat is about so much more than not fitting into your britches. It's about seeing a McDonald's commercial for two Big Macs for $5 and immediately saying "mmmmmmmmm" at the same time as your spouse (me and Jesse last night). It's about ordering pizza because you saw a pizza commercial, even though you already ate dinner (us several weeks ago). It's about having a giant banana fritter for dinner because otherwise the fritter will "have to go to waste" and that would be a tragedy (me on Sunday).

My baby is built like a brick shithouse, but that's not really what this post is about. Here are the ways in which Audrey is fat in her mind:


Her first word was "baba"

I'm not giving her credit for this one. Nope. No way. It doesn't count. If I had a baby book for her, the line for "first word" would remain blank, because I refuse to commit "baba" to the annals of history. Still holding out for "mama" to cross those lips.

YOU HEARD IT TOO IT COUNTS IT COUNTS

Audrey is loved deeply by both of her parents. We both play with her and cuddle her and talk to her and try to teach her. We both sit there saying "can you say mama/dada?" fifty thousand times a day, and have been doing this since she was born.

But does she say mama or dada? Nope. She couldn't give less of a shit about us. It's her baba that earned first vocalization rights.


If she sees any kind of food, she loses her mind

Don't let Audrey see a prepared bottle until it's about to go into her mouth, because she will completely lose her shit. In fact, don't let her see an empty bottle either. Don't let her see the bottle she just finished drinking, because she will want it to magically be full and in her mouth again.

Don't let her see food that you are eating, because she will be jealous.

And especially don't let her see a jar of baby food.

It's kind of amazing, really, to think how quickly she learned what baby food jars are for. She always eats out of a little bowl, so it's not like we ever feed her from the jar. And most of the time, she eats homemade baby food that comes out of pouches. So how did she figure out that the little jars are full of food that is for her? I DON'T KNOW, BUT SHE DID.

The other day she saw a little jar of baby peas sitting on the counter, and she was like:

We're trying to teach her to crawl, and now that I think about it, we're going about it all wrong. Instead of trying to lure her with a toy she likes, we should toss a jar of baby food just out of reach. Kid'll be walking before the week is up.

You know you looked just like this last weekend.

The only time she cries is when she's hungry

Audrey doesn't really cry (except for the time her cousin went in for a hug and delivered a savage headbutt instead).

But if she's hungry? FORGET IT. Then there will be actual tears -- full face soaking wet "everyone I ever loved is dead" kind of crying. The depth of her sadness will touch you right in your feelings.

Not like this. This is bad acting.

Because it's been like three hours since she last put something into her stomach.

Good grief.


She almost outweighs her cousin

Audrey's cousin is a full year older than her. Every scrap of clothing that Audrey wears was inherited from her cousin.

But this free clothes gravy train is about to derail, because at the age of 7.5 months, Audrey now weighs just one pound less than her cousin, and is about to grow into the same size clothing.

F***.

Just look at this photo of the two of them on Easter. What filter should I use on it, do you think?

This one, duh.

This video of her eating carrots

Honestly, have you ever been this excited about eating ANYTHING?

At least she carries most of her weight in her cheeks. Could be worse?

Awww yeah. Could be a LOT worse.

In conclusion, fat babies are cute and here is a picture of a hamburger and a sundae. Happy Tuesday everyone!

Now we can all be fat together.

Don't you dare argue with me in my own home

People don't always agree with each other, and lively debate is key to a successful democracy, et cetera et cetera et cetera.

But there is a time and a place for this "lively debate" to occur. The following is a list of places that are NOT APPROPRIATE VENUES in which to argue with me. Ever. About anything.

1

In my own home

If you come into my house and want to argue with me about something I believe in, you'd best turn your ass around and get right the hell out. My house is my castle, and I am its Queen, and you are nobody. You hear me? Nobody.

That's right, motherf***er.

[I feel like this is a good time to throw in my definition of "argue." I don't mean argue as in 'politely disagree' or 'question'. I mean it like argue. Like I've made my position clear and your dumb ass won't drop it.]

Let's say, for example, that you've come over to clean my floors (why the hell else would you be in my house? To hang out with me? No. I don't like you enough to have you over for a social visit) and you notice my stash of cloth diapers in the laundry room. Your children all wore disposable diapers, so you're curious about my decision.

You ask me, "so why did you decide to cloth diaper?" and I respond with some of the reasons I laid out in this post. So far, you have done nothing wrong. We are still good.

Then you follow up with, "well, if you think about the amount of extra laundry you have to do, it's not really that much cheaper and it's no better for the environment. My kids all wore disposable and we never had a big issue with blowouts."

Now you are on some thin ice, my friend. (well, not my friend -- you're just in my house to clean my floors, remember?). But I, polite motherf***er that I am, simply nod and say "I'm very happy with my decision and I continue to recommend cloth diapering to anyone with patience enough to deal with the extra laundry."

But you're not done yet, no sir! "Well, the whole thing seems like a big waste of time and money to me," you toss in, anxious to have the last word in this argument that you started with me in my own home.

At this point, I grab the Planet Wise wet bag that we keep all the dirty diapers in as they wait for the laundry. I act like I'm about to show you something that will help to change your mind, unzipping the bag and moving closer to you. And just as you peer into the bag to see what I'm about to show you, I TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN AND SHOVE YOUR HEAD INTO THE BAG WITH THE DIRTY DIAPERS AND THEN ZIP IT SHUT AROUND YOUR NECK SO NOW YOUR ENTIRE HEAD IS SURROUNDED BY DIRTY PEE AND POO DIAPERS AND THERE'S NO AIR FOR YOU TO BREATHE JUST PEE AND POO FUMES AND AS YOU DANCE AROUND TRYING TO GET THE BAG UNZIPPED I KICK YOU IN THE KIDNEYS FIFTEEN TIMES.

"How come you're a stick figure in this drawing but I'm not?"

Have you learned nothing from this picture? DON'T ARGUE WITH ME. I AM CORRECT ALWAYS.

This is why you shouldn't argue with people in their own homes. Because it's rude.

2

On my own Facebook page

"But the Internet is public! Free speech! First Amendment! Rahhh!" you whine, still upset about the whole diaper-bag-on-your-head incident.

And you are correct, in a sense.

But my Facebook page is not "the Internet." It's my flipping Facebook page. It is a museum of ME, founded by me and curated by me. I control all the content, and I also control the visitors. If I have accepted your friend request, that means I've allowed you to enter my Me Museum ... but I still reserve the right to deny service to anyone for any reason.

For example, if you post pictures like this and I accidentally look at them.

And that means you'd best not argue with me in my museum, you f***er.

Once again, keep in mind that 'argue' does not mean 'question' or 'politely disagree'. If I post something that you vigorously disagree with or find offensive, you may say something to that effect. But you only get one comment in which to disagree with me, and you'd best do it in a way that respects me as the curator of the museum

What will be gained from continuing this argument? Will you convince Geena? No. Will you annoy Geena? Yes. Will you annoy yourself? Almost certainly.

DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP. ONE COMMENT, THEN JUST MOVE ON.

I've talked previously about the process of getting yourself unfriended on Facebook, but I'm telling you now, there is no quicker way to do it than to argue with me on my own page. I will delete a motherf***er like they never even existed. Watch me. I don't care! I do what I want! I'm ca-raaaaaaazy!!!

And while we're at it, don't argue with my friends on my Facebook page either. I like them more than I like you. You just clean my floors, remember? Unfriended, shitbag.

3

On my blog

I can delete your comments faster than you can write them.

By the way, isn't that a great-lookin' drawing of a face? 

ISN'T IT???

Let's make some more memes!!

I've been spending more time patrolling reddit recently, and this has given me exposure to some of the memes that are currently really popular. You might remember when I previously tackled memes in this post and this one ... but now it's time to revisit the issue with a few of the current most popular ones!


Confession Bear

The confession bear meme is simple. You start with this picture of a bear looking really contrite, 

and then you write a confession over the top of it. 

Now, in a perfect world, the confession that you write will either be 1) funny in its own right, or 2) something that other people are sure to relate to.

Haaaaaa.

However, this world is far from perfect. So if you really want to do a proper confession bear meme, be sure that your confession is something no one on earth could give less of a shit about. For example:

No, I don't believe it. You're making this up.

omg. OMG.

There, I think you're all ready to go forth and bore the f*** out of people with your terrible confession bear memes! Can't wait to see what you come up with.

*yawn*

Unpopular Opinion Puffin

Unpopular opinion puffin is thus named because the puffin in the picture looks like he's running away, perhaps from a group of angry villagers wielding pitchforks.



If I'm being honest, I don't really understand why this meme exists. It gets used in one of two ways: first, for just straight trolling, where you say something you know is going to piss people off for no reason other than to, well, piss them off.

But the second and more pernicious use of the meme is to pretend that your relatively commonplace opinion is "unpopular," because this makes you a contrarian, and therefore special. 

GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I KILL YOU. J-LAW IS A F***ING TREASURE.

Oh, you. You're so adorable, with your wild and unpopular opinions. I'm so glad you're brave enough to share them, even though you know you'll totally get flamed for your beliefs!!

Too far. Went too far.

Now that all that bitching is out of the way, how about I just mess up some more of the memes you know and love?


Awkward Moment Seal:

Used to describe an awkward moment that you witnessed.

SO AWKWARD.

Insanity Wolf

Insanity wolf is used to describe an action that only a truly damaged mind would find acceptable.

The correct answer is to kill the cheating spouse, idiot.

Good Guy Greg

The Good Guy Greg meme is used to share stories where someone goes above and beyond and does something genuinely kind for other human beings.

So the waitress doesn't have to make change for you? That's some motherf***ing empathy right there.

Joker "Everyone loses their minds"

This one is used to juxtapose two relatively similar situations that result in completely different reactions from the public. Used to show how hypocritical people are as a general rule.

People are such hypocrites.

Thanks folks, I'll be here all week. Remember to tip your bartenders.