Blog Archive

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Happy birthday Trevor!! Another animated GIF

Trevor is ONE YEAR OLD TODAY!!! Just like I did for Audrey, I put together a GIF showing him growing up during his first year of life. Such a sweet little dude.


Friday, August 5, 2016

That f***ing swimming Nemo toy

Hi everybody!! Long time no speak!

I haven't blogged in months because I've been pretty busy dealing with a few things, including but not limited to:
-- moving
-- divorce
-- crippling depression
-- single parenting
-- my dishwasher was making a funny noise

If you've ever had to deal with a dishwasher that is making a funny noise, then you know how stressful it can be. What if it breaks? Will it flood my whole kitchen while I'm at work one day? Will I have to wash things by hand in the interim? How long before they can fix it???

But the dishwasher is fixed now and my crippling depression has been downgraded to "moderately debilitating depression" so everything is on the up and up! :-D

... with just one caveat. A couple weeks ago, I told Audrey she could choose one toy while we were at Target, and she opted for a water-activated swimming Nemo toy in celebration of the movie Finding Dory. And I have never, never regretted the purchase of any toy as much as I regret that Nemo. Nemo may be the one thing standing between me and pure, unadulterated happiness.

This motherf***er.

The Nemo-related drama started immediately upon getting into the car after buying it, when Audrey insisted that I open the package and get Nemo out for her to play with. He was, of course, locked tightly into clamshell packaging and I had no scissors on me. I told her to wait until we got home. She responded with the opening salvos of a screaming fit.

So I Incredible Hulked it out of the plastic and gave it to her, and she was happy.

Briefly.


Once we got home, she decided that of course Nemo needed to find somewhere to swim. Could she perhaps have a bath in the middle of the day when she had just had a bath the night before? I said no and suggested instead that we fill a big mixing bowl with water, and Nemo could swim in that. She reluctantly agreed.

We started out with the bowl of water in the kitchen because I'm really really stupid. A gallon of water on the floor later, I realized that this activity would be better suited for outdoors.

So the bowl of water moved out onto the balcony, and Nemo's happy swimming resumed.

video


... until Trevor got involved. He kept reaching into the water and splashing everywhere and trying to knock the bowl over, which led to Audrey screeching "TREVORRRRRRRR NOOOO!" at a volume fit to wake the neighborhood. No problem -- I'll just get Trevor his own bowl of water to splash around in and then he won't bother Audrey. I did this because, as mentioned previously, I am really really stupid.

Two gallons of spilled water and a soaking wet child later, I realized that this, too, had been a miscalculation. I don't know what kind of brain damaged moron gives a baby a giant bowl full of water and expects anything other than Biblical Noah's Ark level flooding, but I am exactly that brand of brain damaged moron.

It was around this time that Audrey announced that Nemo was hungry, and that he wanted some Goldfish to eat. I was a bit concerned about the implications of that, but the kid wants what she wants and who am I to say no? At this point, I figured there was no way she could make any more of a mess than they already had, so I just gave her the carton of goldfish and told her to have at it.

video

She eventually poured enough goldfish in the bowl to kill Nemo several times over, and only stopped when I took the carton away from her.

Nemo was very hungry.

Unsurprisingly, Nemo's eyes turned out to be bigger than his stomach.

Yum.

The travails of Nemo didn't stop there. Next, Audrey felt that Nemo should be allowed to swim around in the bathroom sink. Then she felt that Nemo should be allowed to play with blocks while swimming. So into the sink went 25 (I counted them) wooden blocks for Nemo to enjoy.

It was ALWAYS time for Nemo to swim in the sink. Our lives revolved around him and his needs. I spent more time looking out for Nemo and his various issues (he's hungry, he's tired, don't turn on the lights because Nemo is napping, don't make noise or you'll wake up Nemo, Nemo needs more water in the sink, Nemo needs less water in the sink, Nemo is thirsty, Nemo needs some cake, go wash your hands in the other bathroom because Nemo is having a swim, I can't brush my teeth because Nemo is in the sink again) than I spent looking after myself.

Nemo needed a washcloth in the sink with him so that he could lie down on it and have a nap.

Then she wanted to go back to the store to get Nemo's mom and dad, which I agreed to do the next day while she was at daycare. I hoped she would forget about it, but nope, in the car on the way to daycare she confirmed that I would go to the store that day to buy more Nemo toys. Another $15+ later, we were the proud owners of a large stuffed Nemo and Dory. My total investment in this f***ing Nemo toy has now risen to $30.

The day after that, Audrey wanted to bring the whole Nemo family in the car with her to daycare, and she pitched a screaming fit the entire way there because we forgot them.

Another time, swimming Nemo went missing and could not be located in time for bathtime. Screaming fit in the tub.

Nemo played in the sink with 600 toys again, and Audrey accidentally soaked herself to the point that she stripped off all her clothes and used them as towels to clean up the water on the floor. She then refused to take a nap because Nemo needed her.

Nemo came out to the pool with us and Audrey wanted him in the pool, then out of the pool, then in the pool, then out of the pool. I will give you 10 guesses as to whose responsibility it was to move Nemo in and out of the water as needed. Hint: IT WASN'T AUDREY.


And so, friends, in conclusion I will leave you with this: if I had a time machine and was only allowed to use it once, would I stop Hitler? Would I prevent 9/11?

No.

I would go back to July 24 and I would NOT BUY THAT F***ING NEMO TOY I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER.


F*** YOU NEMO I HOPE EVERYONE YOU LOVE GETS HEPATITIS

Thursday, February 18, 2016

The Cuteness/Ridiculousness of Audrey

Whenever I don't know what to write a post about, I can always just think about what absurd things Audrey has done in the past week or two and write about that. Because it just never ends with her. She's ridiculous and hilarious.

Here are a few recent Audreyisms:

Audrey is now fully potty-trained, but this has only been the case for a week or so. There have been a few accidents here and there, but for the most part she is a total pro. So much so that I bought her a new two-step stool so that she can climb up onto the toilet on her own!

This morning, as I was dressing Trevor for the day, Audrey announced that she had to go potty. I was quite busy with Trevor so I asked her to pull down her pants and get started on her own and I would be there in a minute. She agreed.

When I went into the bathroom a moment later, I found that Audrey was sitting happily on the toilet with her pants and underwear around her ankles, and her Mickey Mouse doll was sitting on the little baby potty that is still in the bathroom even though she doesn't use it (Mickey Mouse goes everywhere with Audrey). Sure enough, Audrey had pooped in the toilet. Words cannot express the pride I felt when I saw that she had successfully managed all of this without help.

Once we were all done in the bathroom (both her and Mickey Mouse, who also had to be wiped and his potty flushed), I offered her an M&M because pooping in the toilet is kind of a big deal and needs major encouragement. She insisted that Mickey Mouse also get an M&M, since he had gone potty too. I told her that no, Mickey Mouse wasn't going to get his own M&M, but she could share hers with him if she wanted. I showed her the bag and let her choose what color she wanted, and she opted for orange.

Now at this point, we need to backtrack a bit to a time several weeks ago when Audrey went through a crazy phase where she wanted to always color in the eyes of any picture we drew. Draw Elmo, she immediately colors his eyeballs black like a voodoo curse. 

Draw our family, she scribbles in everyone's eyes like we're a family of demons. 


During this phase, at one point she saw fit to color the Mickey Mouse doll's eyes with a green crayon. Please hang on to this information.

So Audrey agreed to share her M&M with Mickey Mouse, and took him over to the couch. She sucked on the outside of her M&M a bit, then shoved it into Mickey Mouse's mouth so he could have some too.

Naturally, her sucking on it melted the orange candy coating ... so when she put it in Mickey Mouse's mouth, the candy coating rubbed off everywhere.

This, combined with the heavy green eye shadow she had applied a couple weeks prior, is how we ended up the proud owners of Transvestite Crackhead Mickey Mouse.



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I bought a big box of fun-sized bags of Utz chips because I love them and you can't buy them on the west coast. Audrey kept bringing me bags of chips and asking me to open them and pour some into her Elmo bowl. I would allow her to have a half serving of chips once a day.

This morning, as she was working her way through a bowl of barbecue Utz, she brought the bowl up to me and offered me a chip. Or rather, she stuck a chip in her mouth, then realized she was being rude and offered me the chip that had just been inside her mouth.

I declined the chip. Not because she had already tongued it, though. I declined the chip because I had just brushed my teeth.

The fact that the chip was probably getting soggy with her spit already was not even a factor in the decision.

I have been a Mom for too long.

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This past weekend, we went to a special meeting and brunch at the local union hall. Jesse wasn't feeling well, so I brought the kids with me to give him a couple hours to nap in peace at home.

At first, Audrey was her usual total shy self, clinging to my legs and insisting I pick her up so she could lay her head down on my shoulder to hide from strangers.

But at some point, I don't know what happened but a switch flipped inside her and she went from being totally shy to being the biggest ham in 200 miles. She started running up to random people and waving her Mickey Mouse doll around, screaming "LOOK! IT'S MICKEY MOUSE!" She would not stop doing this until they acknowledged her and acted excited about Mickey Mouse.

Then she ate like 15 pounds of fruit from the brunch buffet, which sent her on a crazy sugar high. 


She started rolling around on the floor. Then she started running wind sprints. Then she was hopping around shouting that she was a frog.

The morning peaked when she started running up to large bearded Teamster after large bearded Teamster, flexing her arms and saying "LOOK AT MY MUSCLES!" 

There will always be ugliness and bad people in the world ... but I will never doubt that human nature is predominantly good. Because every single truck-drivin' beer-swillin' cigarette-smokin' union dues-payin' Teamster Audrey accosted responded in the same way: smiling from ear to ear and then telling the 2-year-old girl in the Minnie Mouse shirt that her muscles were huge and very intimidating. "I wouldn't want to get into a fight with YOU!"

Honestly, I don't know where she got this desire to be the center of attention and make everyone laugh.

Certainly not from me. ;-)