Blog Archive

Friday, October 31, 2014

Happy Halloween! Look who's dressed up in costumes this year!

It's Halloween, yippee-doo! If you're as costume-crazy as I am, then you'll hopefully enjoy this collection of historical figures wearing Halloween costumes. I started with the same gang that I put glasses on the other day:

First up, Johann Sebastian Bach, dressing up as a frog!



Next, we've got little miss Mona Lisa, playing the role of the Slutty Pirate, complete with killer cleavage:



Ol' Bill Shakespeare ran out of time to come up with a good costume, so he just went with the copout hobo costume. Lame, buddy. Lame.


Marie Antoinette, rather unsurprisingly, went as a Sexy Nurse:



No Halloween would be complete without at least one superhero. Here's Chris Columbus trying to pull off Spider-Man:


Happy Halloween, everyone!

My two favorite dinosaurs

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Totally legit product reviews: Frontier Airlines

Jesse and I recently took a trip from Seattle to Washington, DC to see all our old pals. Being a typical cheapskate, I searched for flights on Expedia and selected whatever airline offered the most inexpensive tickets ... and that happened to be Frontier Airlines.

Let me just go ahead and tell you how that worked out for us.


Frontier used to be great. Back when they were their own independent airline, they were super fun and kind of luxurious. Flying Frontier was a treat.

But then they got bought by a private equity firm. And things went south.


For this particular trip, everything seemed great at first. The tickets were pretty cheap -- a bit cheaper than the alternatives, though not shockingly so. The flights connected through Denver in both directions, which I was happy about because Denver seems to actually be on the way from Seattle to DC. Not like all those stupid horrible connections I've made in ATLANTA and DALLAS on the same trip in the past.




Things took a turn for the worse when it came time to check in for our flights.

I dutifully headed over to frontierairlines.com and was greeted with an incredibly shitty website that looks like it was someone's college freshman web design project. 

And the mobile site looks like it was designed by a high school student.

I entered our names and reservation code, and was almost immediately faced with two unacceptable facts:

1. It costs $30 to carry a bag onto the plane if it's any larger than a briefcase.
2. Reserving a seat costs $8 per person per leg of the flight. If you do not pay the $8, your seat will be "randomly assigned" and your party will likely not be seated together.

As soon as I saw this, my face was like:


What the fart? I get charging for checked baggage -- I mean, checked bags require more infrastructure and manpower to handle. If nobody ever checked bags, imagine how much money the airlines and airport would save! But carry-on bags? How the hell do they cost the airline any money? Maybe a tiny bit more fuel to cover the extra weight, but that's it. And since they don't cost any real money, then why the hell are you charging me thirty effing dollars for them??!?! $5-$10 I might get over. $30 makes me angry. Especially since this wasn't mentioned when I was purchasing my tickets.

It also doesn't cost the airline any money to reserve my seat. I do it myself using the magic of the internet! By all means, charge more for seats with extra legroom. Charge more to sit at the front of the plane where you can exit first when you arrive.

But don't charge people extra to sit with their traveling companions. That's horseshit! Southwest doesn't even offer assigned seats at all, but you're STILL pretty likely to sit with your travel partner as long as you check in early. 

Since Jesse and I of course wanted to sit next to each other, that meant I paid a total of $32 extra for the pleasure of sitting in the middle seat. I paid extra for a f***ing middle seat. F*** you, Frontier Airlines.


And not this kind of middle seat with sexy ladies on either side.

Things took a bit of a turn for the better when I realized that Jesse's active duty military status meant we could have one extra carry-on bag for free. Stupid, pointless, offensive rules make me angry, but they make me a lot less angry when they don't apply to me. This just meant that when we got to the airport, we would need to check in with an agent (waiting in the long line first, of course) so she could print the proper boarding passes without charging us the $30. Now armed with the necessary "+1 carry-on allowed" boarding pass, we headed to the gate.

When it came time to get on the plane, we were pleased to find that the overhead bins were almost entirely empty. I guess that's what happens when you charge people THIRTY F***ING DOLLARS (CAN YOU TELL I'M REALLY ANGRY AT THIS??!?!) TO BRING BAGS ONTO THE PLANE. The plane itself was a piece of crap probably built in 1987. It was held together largely by duct tape and the prayers of the passengers on board. There wasn't even a copy of Sky Mall in the seat pocket, as Frontier presumably burned all the Sky Malls to help fuel the engines and save some money on gas. If you wanted a soda on the plane, it cost $2.

And when we arrived at DCA airport, it was in the dreaded Terminal A, which is the forgotten dingleberried asshole of that otherwise-lovely airport. F*** you, Frontier Airlines. We had to sprint to catch our train.

The trip home was more of the same, but with an additional bit of fun thrown into the mix. I guess the gate agents at DCA are a lot stricter and less fun-loving than the gate agents in Seattle and Denver (which makes sense, really), so they demanded that all carry-on items be measured in their stupid bin things. You know those old "if your luggage doesn't fit in this weird arbitrarily sized compartment that has no relation to the size of the luggage compartments on board the plane, then it's too big to take on the plane" things that used to be in airports everywhere until they were discontinued because they're stupid? Yeah, Frontier still has those and uses them. There's one bigger one that's for your $30 carry-ons, and then a smaller one that's for your free purse or briefcase-sized bag.


And in DC, they wouldn't let you on the plane until you had proven to them that your bags fit. So imagine this: it is 6AM, and there is a giant line of weary people who just want to get to their $8 seats and maybe relax with a $2 cup of coffee. But before they may embark, they are forced to shove their purses and backpacks into this bag measuring device one after another, as a humorless gate agent scowls at them and then marks their boarding pass with a bright red pen.

When it was my turn to stuff my backpack in the "personal items" box, it wouldn't fit at first so I had to really lean my weight into it, practically jumping up and down on it until it finally gave way and slid into the box. Jesse was encouraging me to "spit on it!" and "start with just the tip!" I replied that "I've shoved bigger into smaller!" 

The gate agent did not find our double entendres the least bit amusing. He then tried to yell at me for having two items (my backpack and my purse) while I was in the process of handing my purse to Jesse to carry onto the plane. "The purse is mine," he said. "I keep my tampons in it." Again, the gate agent was not amused.

At the gate next door, a group of Southwest employees were having a party. There was cake. And singing.


F*** you, Frontier Airlines.

Never again.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

In which I deface famous portraits

I'm having another one of those "I feel uncreative" days, so of course I'm combating it with nonsense! Today, I will be defacing some famous portraits, because I think that the only thing missing from the faces of famed historical figures/paintings is some bangin' sweet spectacles.

I'm sure you'll agree.

Take, for instance, our buddy Johann Sebastian Bach. Just look at that face:



What a grump! I wonder if some glasses will cheer him up:



Hmmm, not really. Looks like I'll need to go full nuclear on this one.

 Yes .... yes. This is good.


Next, we turn our attention to the famed Mona Lisa:



Ugh, boring much? What she needs is some sweet orange hipster glasses, and maybe some feisty drawn-on eyebrows while we're at it:

 Hundred times more bangable.


What about this terrible Renaissance painting of some derpy kid?

 I suppose it could be a really accurate painting of a SUPER derpy kid.


Get this kid some Harry Potter specs, immediately!

 I want to take his lunch money.


I don't know who this chick is, but she looks like she might be related to the kid above:



We're going full 1980s on this one:

 I think my mom used to have glasses just like this.


What about our old bro William Shakespeare?



Could he borrow Mona Lisa's hipster shades?

 Oh my god I wanna roundhouse kick William Shakespeare right in the douche beard.


Will it help if the glasses have thinner frames?

Actually, yes. Now he just looks scholarly rather than like someone who pays for tall cans of PBR from his $2 bill collection.


We all know that Marie Antoinette had it goin' on:



And a pair of librarian glasses just make it even better!

 I'll eat your cake any t--
I'm sorry. I won't even finish that sentence.
Especially because she's SUPER dead.


Let's move next to the King of the Assholes, one Mister Christopher Columbus:



Call me a hardass, but I don't think the orchestrator of a genocide deserves to try on attractive glasses. Instead, he's getting the grandpa-est of grandpa glasses:

 Haha he looks f***ing stupid.


But nobody will ever look as stupid as the fantastically inbred Charles II of Spain:







That concludes our tour through history. I, uh ... I can't think of anything else to say because Charles II's face is still staring at me and it's just awful.