Blog Archive

Thursday, October 23, 2014

In which I deface famous portraits

I'm having another one of those "I feel uncreative" days, so of course I'm combating it with nonsense! Today, I will be defacing some famous portraits, because I think that the only thing missing from the faces of famed historical figures/paintings is some bangin' sweet spectacles.

I'm sure you'll agree.

Take, for instance, our buddy Johann Sebastian Bach. Just look at that face:

What a grump! I wonder if some glasses will cheer him up:

Hmmm, not really. Looks like I'll need to go full nuclear on this one.

 Yes .... yes. This is good.

Next, we turn our attention to the famed Mona Lisa:

Ugh, boring much? What she needs is some sweet orange hipster glasses, and maybe some feisty drawn-on eyebrows while we're at it:

 Hundred times more bangable.

What about this terrible Renaissance painting of some derpy kid?

 I suppose it could be a really accurate painting of a SUPER derpy kid.

Get this kid some Harry Potter specs, immediately!

 I want to take his lunch money.

I don't know who this chick is, but she looks like she might be related to the kid above:

We're going full 1980s on this one:

 I think my mom used to have glasses just like this.

What about our old bro William Shakespeare?

Could he borrow Mona Lisa's hipster shades?

 Oh my god I wanna roundhouse kick William Shakespeare right in the douche beard.

Will it help if the glasses have thinner frames?

Actually, yes. Now he just looks scholarly rather than like someone who pays for tall cans of PBR from his $2 bill collection.

We all know that Marie Antoinette had it goin' on:

And a pair of librarian glasses just make it even better!

 I'll eat your cake any t--
I'm sorry. I won't even finish that sentence.
Especially because she's SUPER dead.

Let's move next to the King of the Assholes, one Mister Christopher Columbus:

Call me a hardass, but I don't think the orchestrator of a genocide deserves to try on attractive glasses. Instead, he's getting the grandpa-est of grandpa glasses:

 Haha he looks f***ing stupid.

But nobody will ever look as stupid as the fantastically inbred Charles II of Spain:

That concludes our tour through history. I, uh ... I can't think of anything else to say because Charles II's face is still staring at me and it's just awful.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Let's learn about Ebola!

Last week, while I was home sick with Audrey, I turned on Good Morning America one morning. This was right after the first nurse in Texas was diagnosed with Ebola, so it was quite a hot topic. During this brief time spent watching GMA, I was alerted to the fact that 65% of Americans are apparently concerned about Ebola and the risk that they might personally contract it.

Just to make sure we are all on the same page here: 65% of Americans are legitimately concerned that they might contract and die from Ebola.

Now, clearly, for that many people to think there's a realistic chance that they might get Ebola, there must have been some misinformation going on. And so we're going to clear all that up right here and now with this helpful blog post written by me, a person with no medical expertise whatsoever.

How is Ebola transmitted?

Ebola is transmitted through bodily fluids. This means that if you have sex with the diarrhea of someone who has Ebola, there's a good chance you will also get Ebola. This especially means you shouldn't have sex with the corpse of someone who has died of Ebola (I'm lookin' at you, Frank).

But you already knew that. So let's go deeper.

You can also get Ebola from being a blood relative of someone who has it. Because blood is a bodily fluid. And you share it with your blood relatives. Get it? So watch out.

  "My husband's Great Aunt was once a patient at Texas Presbyterian! Am I at risk?"

No, you idiot. You're not related to your husband by blood are you? No? Then you're fine. Just stay away from his diarrhea when he gets Ebola (which he definitely will), and control your carnal urges once he has succumbed.

Can Ebola be transmitted through coughing?

100% definitely yes, especially if someone with Ebola coughs a big ball of bloody phlegm directly into your mouth. Please try to avoid this!!

Why are they bringing infected American doctors and aid workers back to the United States where they might infect others?

I don't know, but the better question is, why are they bringing them back on commercial flights sitting in coach in the middle seat between an old woman and a pregnant woman with a baby? Seems awfully irresponsible if you ask me. At least seat them on the aisle or something.

It's to save money, I bet. The economy being what it is.

Can I get Ebola from being in the same city as someone who has it?

Well, you certainly can't get it from NOT being in the same city as someone who has it, so I guess that answers your question, huh? Watch your back. Especially you folks in the DC area, where that infected nurse was transported. Y'all are gonna die.

Why isn't Obama doing more about this?

I saw this on Good Morning America as well: some ridiculous majority of Americans apparently feel that Obama isn't doing enough to stop the Ebola outbreak.

Umm, hello ... Obama created Ebola and released it within the US to create fear and panic and consolidate his own control over the populace. Wake up, sheeple. Now you want him to do more??!? HASN'T HE DONE ENOUGH?

Obama will allow the Ebola cure to go public once enough people have died and his blood lust has been sated. It's like 9/11 all over again, but on a smaller scale and with a lot more diarrhea.

Diarrhea death dealer

Well guys, I hope this cleared some things up. I know I feel a lot more knowledgeable about Ebola now.

If you'd like to do some further reading on the subject that is actually accurate, I'd recommend reading up on the CDC website: 

Otherwise, please enjoy this infographic I put together for you, which is pretty much just the CDC website summarized in pictures:

Actually this seems like a pretty amazing outcome. I hope I get Ebola next!

Friday, October 17, 2014

Animated GIF Friday: Fever Dreams

I have been home most of the week with my daughter, who has been sick with a fever for days. She finally woke up without one this morning, so life is back to normal for the time being. But since I'm totally and hopelessly discombobulated from days spent caring for a sick baby, I can't form thoughts coherent enough to write an actual post. So instead, here is an animated GIF of the fever dreams Audrey and I have been enjoying for the past several days:

I've watched it all the way through at least five times now and I'm no closer to understanding it.