Blog Archive

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Why Santa is skipping our house this year: Volume 1

I'm not one of those "I'm not going to lie to my kids by telling them there's a Santa when there isn't" kind of people. I love Santa, and goddammit my kids will believe in Santa until they're 12 if I can pull it off.


This year, I don't think Santa is going to be stopping at our house. Why? Because Audrey is VERY VERY NAUGHTY. In fact, this post is merely Volume 1 because I have a strong feeling there will be many more disciplinary infractions over the next month.

She threw plastic bags all over the kitchen

This little monster walked herself into the pantry and ripped the bag of plastic bags off the wall -- hook and all. She then marched back out into the kitchen and, bold as you please, turned the bag over and shook it until all of its contents had fallen on the kitchen floor.

"A big bag full of fun toys for babies to play with? Tell Santa I know exactly what I want!"

She made sure to maximize the damage by spreading the bags everywhere. At least 60 plastic bags blanketed the kitchen floor. By the time she was done, you couldn't even see the laminate anymore -- it was bag world.

Also, she was wearing some Christmas jammies at the time, and her shirt said "Dear Santa: I can explain!" Best start talking, kid.

It took a lot of effort to get ALL the plastic bags out, but when it comes to vandalism, Audrey is nothing if not fully committed.

She threw Christmas ornaments all over the kitchen

I decided to get a head start on Christmas decorating, so I brought the box of decorations downstairs and opened it up. As I switched out pictures and hung stockings by the chimney with care, Audrey took it upon herself to open the tub of Christmas tree ornaments and remove them one by one until they were all over the floor. Naturally, the hooks to attach the ornaments to the tree all managed to fall off, meaning the mess I got to clean up consisted of 50 colorful balls and 50 little green hooks.

You get coal in your stocking, child.

"Don't worry, Mommy; of course I am going to clean all this up when I am finished." 

If you look carefully, you can see several ornaments have been shoved into the planter amid the fake flowers. You know, for science.

She threw her binkie behind the dryer

Audrey's diaper changing station is on top of the dryer in the laundry room. Usually, I can keep her distracted during a diaper change with a singing elephant, a tube of butt paste, and a couple rounds of If You're Happy and You Know It.  But not always. The tube of butt paste has ended up behind the dryer on several occasions.

Audrey loves her binkie. She doesn't get to have it very often (mostly just naptime and while sick or teething badly), but she always wants it. If she sees it and isn't immediately offered it, she loses her mind. If I take it away from her, she loses her mind.

So imagine my surprise when she pulled her binkie out of her own mouth mid diaper change and threw it behind the dryer. The worst part? She then looked right at me, smiled, and said "uh oh!" Like it was a friggin accident.

That was not an accident, kiddo. I watched you take it out of your mouth and throw it back there. It was a first-degree premeditated binkie-tossing.

And of course, since she loves her binkie so much, she then stood there crying, whining, and trying to pull my pants down for the entire 10 minutes it took me to get the damn thing out from behind the dryer using a broomstick and duct tape contraption.

Santa will bring you one present this year, and it's this:

She took the ornaments off the tree and threw them

I had a feeling that decorating the tree with ornaments would be a big risk this year with a curious and mobile toddler around. But ever the optimist, I decided to do a little trial run to see exactly how Audrey handled it. So I pulled out those shatterproof ball ornaments and hung a few of them at varying heights.

Audrey immediately grabbed any ornaments she could easily reach and yanked them off the tree, chucking them across the room. As for the ornaments she couldn't easily reach, no problem -- she just used the tree to pull herself to a standing position, used the tree to pull herself onto her tip-toes, and then pulled down on the tree until the ornaments came within reach.

She then chucked those across the room too.

"I don't like where you've put this one. I think it would look much better under the dining room table."

We're going to try decorating the tree with tinsel instead, and then bows as the final backup plan. If all that fails, we'll have a naked tree with nothing but the built-in lights instead. And Santa will save a little time by flying directly past our place.

She keeps stealing the snowman

There is a family of stuffed snowmen that lives on a side table, and Audrey is obsessed with them. She waves at them every time she sees them, and steals the smallest one whenever she gets a chance, hiding him in her usual spots (the Zany Zoo, the tree house, and now of course the Christmas tree. Yes, she hides things in the branches of the Christmas tree).

I tried moving him out of her reach, but that turned out to be an even worse idea. Next thing I knew, she had pushed a box over from next to the recycling bin and was attempting to climb on top of it so that she could reach the snowman.

So now I just let her kidnap the snowman as needed. I rescue him, she kidnaps him again, and on and on we go until Christmas comes and goes and Audrey receives no presents whatsoever.

She threw scrambled eggs on the floor while making full eye contact with me

The throwing of food on the floor I could handle. That's just something that toddlers do. But the fact that she held eye contact the entire time, staring directly into my soul as she picked up the piece of food, moved her hand over the side of her high chair, and then flung it onto the ground while daring me to do anything about it? That shit was uncool.



Except I'm 100% full of it. Of course she's going to get a million presents. Because of course she is.

Look at that little face! How can you not give a child that cute all the plastic bags she could ever want!??!
(don't answer that. I know.)

Thursday, November 20, 2014

An art gallery of beautiful things I've drawn that you haven't seen yet

You guys think I just draw pictures for this blog? FALSE! I draw pictures to annoy other people on the internet as well! But don't you want to see them? They're fantastic! Please enjoy this gallery of some of my beautiful artwork that has graced other corners of the web. And of course, I shall present these with no context whatsoever, because it's way better that way. I assure you that there WAS context. Probably.

"Benjamin Franklin sleeping but pretending to be awake with the help of some ultra cool glasses"
Vandalism of another picture

"Bird that has flown into a window and shit itself upon impact" 
Tracing on a photo

"Cannon that dispenses babies via laboring woman in the cannon's depths"
Original artwork
$1 million

"Pirate captain of large log being dragged by a dog"
Vandalism of another picture

"Happy meal? More like MURDER MEAL!"
Vandalism of another picture

"Happy guy's day gets ruined by gravity"
Original artwork

"The elusive Retarded Yellow Fish of the Southern North Whatchamacallit Ocean"
Original artwork

"George W. Bush tells Hurricane Katrina to stay away from New Orleans"
Original artwork
$27 million

I hope you've enjoyed this gallery showing. Now please hit up the open bar!

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

The worst movie roles

Sometimes, when I'm watching a movie, I zoom out and start thinking about the actors playing the roles. Especially the small roles -- not quite extras, but not exactly stars, either. People whose role will be listed in the credits as a description instead of a name. "Guy in bar." "Girl on street." 

I imagine that they're hardworking people desperately trying to get their big break, and if it's a big-budget big-name movie I'm watching, then I imagine they're really excited to have a part in it. Even a small part.

Even a part like ...

Racial Slur guy

I first became painfully aware of this guy while watching the movie Red Tails, which was about the Tuskegee Airmen. If you're unfamiliar, the Tuskegee Airmen were the first black military aviators in the US Armed Forces. They fought in WWII and did some pretty fancy shit.

So in this movie, at one point the Tuskegee Airmen are stationed somewhere in Europe that I can't remember. And they have some time off, so they decide to go to a bar in town. So off to the bar they go ... but when they enter, somebody in there immediately yells out something like "get out of here, n*****!" One of the Airmen then punches him in the face.

Proud moment for this fella.

Just think about that actor for a minute. Imagine he's been in soap commercial after soap commercial, struggling to get enough work just to keep his SAG health insurance. And then finally he gets his big break -- a speaking role in a big budget movie starring tons of big names! Terrence Howard! Cuba Gooding motherf***ing Junior! George Lucas poured a bunch of money into the project, too! GEORGE LUCAS FROM STAR WARS, Y'ALL!!!


This guy must be so excited!!! And then he gets his copy of the script, and sees that his speaking role consists of calling someone the n-word and then getting punched in the face.

Wamp womp.

There are so many movies with this character in them. Some nobody who has three seconds of screen time, but those three seconds are spent shouting the worst things imaginable at the plucky underdog protagonist of the movie. You're not even a villain at that point -- you're just a piece of shit. For two seconds, and then you're gone.

And of course this poor actor/actress will invite their whole family over for a viewing party, where they'll all sit around the TV with popcorn. Our star will pause the movie before her line, making sure everyone has refilled their drinks and been to the bathroom. Once everyone's full attention is on the screen, the star gleefully hits "play" again so that everyone can hear her scream "YOU WORTHLESS F***ING JEW!" and then spit into someone's face.

Her aunts, uncles, grandparents, and friends will then all clap her on the back and tell her what a great job she did. "I've never heard anyone call someone a 'worthless Jew' with more disgust and anger than you did. It was a beautiful performance. The way you hit the hard J in 'Jew' just warmed my heart. So convincing! You deserve an award for the performance, truly."

It's especially fun when "racial slur guy" is a young child. Solid parenting for sure right there.

Unnecessary naked person

Nudity absolutely has a place in movies. Don't go thinking I'm some prude who doesn't enjoy seeing boobs every once in a while. Even boobs that aren't strictly necessary to the plot can be fun sometimes. Like Halle Berry's boobs in Swordfish -- was there any reason for her to be topless in that scene? Nope! But it's cool, man.

But there's a big difference between having a main character do a nude scene that actually makes sense with the plot of the movie, and ... just randomly being nude for no reason, briefly, as your only role in the movie.

The kind of nudity that makes your name show up in the credits of the movie as "Naked Woman #4."

That's rough.

Once again, I imagine the viewing party you have to celebrate your role in the newest big budget gangster movie. Your grandparents are there. Your father is brimming with pride.

Your scene is coming up, so everyone stops talking and focuses their gaze on the screen just in time for the camera to pan through the strip club where the main characters are meeting and focus momentarily on you, naked, grinding some old dude's face while he shoves dollars into your garter.

You are not a porn star. You are not a stripper. You are an actress, in a real movie that a lot of people are actually going to see. And all you do in that movie is grind your naked ass in someone's face briefly, for no reason whatsoever except to beef up that R rating.

But at least you have that health insurance, right? So you've got that to be proud of, Naked Woman #4.

Embarrassing failure guy

This guy shows up in a lot of movies too. His three seconds of screen time are spent doing something super embarrassing -- either trying to throw a ball and winging it way off target, or getting thrown up on, or hit in the face with something, or falling off the back of the Titanic and hitting the propellers with your legs on the way down ...

Ha ha remember this guy?

And from that point forward, your only claim to fame is to say "I was in Titanic! Yeah, I was the guy who couldn't even fall off the ship properly. Broke my legs."

"Hey look, everybody -- there I am! And here comes ... okay right now ... THERE! The main character just vomited into my mouth! An Academy Award nominated actor just threw up in my mouth in a major motion picture. Isn't that incredible?!?"

At least you weren't naked when it happened, though?

Except for the times when embarrassing things happen to naked people and that's their entire role in the movie: to get hit in the face with a bag of dog poo while naked.

At least they weren't shouting racial slurs at the time, though?

Except that's probably happened too.

I'm glad I'm not an actress. These are likely the only roles I would get.