Blog Archive

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

My baby looks like various celebrities

Babies are weird. They make weird faces, and as they grow, they look completely different from one week to the next. One day they'll look like Richard Nixon, Bob Barker the next, and then suddenly all you'll see is Barney the Dinosaur ... there's no predicting it. Here are a few pictures of my baby over the course of her life where she looks like various celebrities:

 Baby the Hutt

 I am very happy.

 Everyone likes me but nobody's sure why.

 Lee Daniels' "The Lazy Eye"

 All Hail Glorious Baby

Fat guy in a little coat.

I'm judging you, which is kind of a pot-kettle situation since I am notably INSANE.

Why do you always bring up Gallipoli? I've told you time and again, it's a sore subject.

Thanks for playing! And thanks to those whose ideas I blatantly stole borrowed for this post (Nick for the Jabba the Hutt, Alec for the "glorious baby" quote). I'm not that creative so I need a lot of help from clever friends.

We'll play again when Audrey is older and looks more like Ian McKellan.

Also, I just now realized that NONE of her celebrity lookalikes are female. Wamp womp.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Stupid things idiots who can't drive like to do

My commute has been miserable this week (well, it's miserable ALWAYS, but after a week of vacation it seems even worse) so instead of writing a normal happy post, I am going to bitch angrily about all the dumb things people do on the road that make me hate them.

I no can understood "zipper merge"

When a lane is ending and a merge is necessary, here's what you do: you keep driving allllll the way up until the lines separating the two lanes start to disappear. Use that time to work on matching your speed to the speed of the cars in the lane you're going to be merging into. Then, when you get to the merge point, make sure your blinker is on and just drift into the spot between two cars. One of the cars already in that lane goes, then you go, then the next car already in that lane goes, then another car merges in behind him, and so on and so on like a ZIPPER so that nobody should need to hit their brakes.

Just like this handy diagram I made for you. Look how nicely that worked out!

What you should NOT do is slam on your brakes and sit with your blinker on at zero miles per hour 200 yards before the lane even starts to end. You f***ing driving school reject jackass. I hate you and I hate everyone like you who also does not understand how to zipper merge. Take a goddamned bus or something.


Usually, when someone does this, I just go around them and continue up to the actual merge point and do my zipper merge like normal. It's not my fault you're an idiot, and I'm certainly not going to wait for you to idiot yourself out of my way.

So what if super rain is falls, why need I to turn on headlights?

I cannot believe how many people drive around in piss-ass pouring rain on the freeway with no damn lights on. Do you realize that you're completely invisible when you do that? Like, James Bond invisible car invisible? When it's raining hard enough for you to need your wipers on, turn on your goddamned lights you idiot. What are you, trying to save energy? Jesus Christ, you suck. I would say "I hope you crash" except it will probably be me that you crash into, so I guess I just hope you continue to get lucky. F*** you.

"But driving without your lights on is like smoking cigarettes -- it's a total sign of coolness! People will think I'm such a square if I turn on my lights! 'There goes that rule-follower,' they'll say. My reputation will be ruined!" -- a person who doesn't deserve to exist

Why you no want gas-brake-gas-brake-gas-brake in bumper-to-bumper traffic? You so slow, I pass you and make fast times 1 car ahead of you

My usual commute involves driving on a road with a major traffic bunching problem. You'll go 30mph for a while, then all of a sudden everyone is back to 5mph, then stopped completely, then 20mph, then stopped again. I hate driving in that shit, moving my foot from gas to brake to gas to brake every two seconds. It's also hell for your gas mileage. It makes a lot more sense to accelerate and decelerate more slowly, using the gas pedal to control your speed and braking only when necessary. But for this to work, you need to leave some space between you and the car in front of you -- you know, so that you have room to slow down without braking when you see red lights in front of you.

Most people understand this.

Some people don't.

They become furious at me for leaving these gaps between my car and the car in front of me, so they aggressively speed into the other lane and zoom around me at the first opportunity, moving back in in front of me ... where they proceed to move exactly the same speed they were before, but one car length further ahead, and with a lot more gas-brake-gas-brake action. Great job, buddy. You will get home .01 seconds faster than you would have if you'd just stayed behind me, and you'll burn a bunch more gas. You win!!!

I enjoy to make crash into other cars!


 "Sorry! I was trying to thumbs-down that Creed song that came on my 90's alt rock Pandora playlist." 
"Creed on a 90's alt rock Pandora playlist? I don't even blame you for running into me! I'd have done the same!"

Yes there be two lanes, but right lane gives cancer so instead everyone must drives in the left lane only to make extra traffics!

I think this is a Seattle thing. Imagine you're driving on a road that has two lanes. Eventually, one of the lanes will end and everyone will merge back down into one lane. But the lane won't be ending for a while yet -- a quarter mile at least. So what do you do? Do you make use of both lanes for as long as possible, and then execute a flawless zipper merge down to one lane just in time to fly through a green light and onto the freeway?


Instead, you frantically sit in the right line at a DEAD STOP with your blinker on, trying to merge into the left lane a quarter mile too early. But no one will let you in, because the left lane is a solid wall of cars (traffic flows much better up by that green light. Y'know, where the MERGE POINT ACTUALLY IS). In fact, it's such a solid wall of cars, some people have to wait at a green light because there is no room for them on the other side of the intersection.

That is, there is no room for them in the left lane. The right lane is free and clear ... but people will literally sit and wait at a green light rather than make use of the right lane ... because it is going to end eventually.

It is the dumbest f***ing thing I have ever seen in my life.

But hey, at least I get to work a little faster as I fly past this wall of morons in the right lane and then zipper merge up where I'm supposed to. And when people sit in the right lane not moving with their blinker on, guess who gets to give them the most self-righteous and violent honk attack of her life?

 Highlight of my day, really.

Monday, April 14, 2014

The Dos and Don'ts of traveling with an infant

We survived our trip to Canada last week!! In total, Audrey went on four different flights -- two long ones and two short ones -- and I learned a lot from this experience. I read a lot of advice before I left, and now I'm here to share with you what tips I found most helpful, as well as some other tricks I picked up along the way.

DO: Buy "ready to use" formula to bring on the plane

Enfamil Gentlease Infant Formula for Fussiness & Gas, Ready to Use ...

This stuff is spendy as f**k, so I never bought it before this trip. I paid $10 for a damn 6-pack. But, it meant that to feed Audrey on the plane, all I had to do was fish a bottle of formula out of my bag and pour it into one of her bottles. If even that sounds like too many steps, you can get nipples that attach directly onto the formula bottle itself. I opted not to use these, though, because the nipples are really small and weird and make me feel like I'm feeding a baby animal instead of a baby human.

Haha look at this goat! He's having a bottle!! What a crazy goat! What's he gonna do next?!?!

The other advantage of bringing ready to use formula is that you have to undergo some extra screening to get through security at the airport, since large liquids aren't usually allowed. This will give you a great opportunity to flirt with the cute TSA agents as they check to make sure your baby's Enfamil isn't secretly a bomb or something.

Hey baby what are you doing later? 

DON'T: Have the kind of baby who thinks pooping right as you board the plane is some kind of hilarious laugh riot

There isn't a whole lot you can do to avoid this, but maybe start by having a sit-down talk with your baby about air travel etiquette before the trip. I did not do this, and as a result, my baby pooped as we were boarding not once but TWICE. The second time, she even blew out her diaper a little bit. (for any non-parents, a "blowout" is when the poop, ummm, 'exits' the diaper through the back waistband, frolicking instead in baby's clothing. You can't sit the baby down or push on any part of the diaper at all, lest more poop come out. It is exactly as horrifying as it sounds)

Both times, I had to ask the flight attendants for special permission to run to the bathroom and change her diaper before takeoff, while all the other passengers on the plane rolled their eyes and stared at their watches. We were those people.

You know, 'those people.'

DO: Bring a baby carrier onto the plane with you

I strapped Audrey into her Ergo carrier several times during the flights. On the first flight, I put her into it so that she could take a nap, and she slept wonderfully. On another flight, I put her into it before we landed, and she sat calmly the whole way down. I just had to bounce in my seat like I was having a seizure for like 20 minutes straight, but that was better than listening to her crying.  The Ergo also let me be hands-free while we exited the plane. Turns out it's a lot easier to wrangle luggage when you're not also holding a baby.

DON'T: Try to eat a sub sandwich while baby is in the Ergo carrier.

You will have to turn it sideways and eat it like you're playing the flute, and then lots of crumbs will end up on the baby's head. People will judge you.

Like this, but with a sandwich.

Having trouble imagining it? Okay, here:

Please don't make me also add the baby carrier. I don't have Photoshop and that's way, way beyond my abilities in Paint and PowerPoint.

Ugh, okay fine. See, I told you this was going to be a disaster, and I was right.

DO: Buy formula and diapers (or better yet, ask family members to do this before you arrive) at your destination rather than packing them

These things take up a lot of space. Don't do that to yourself.

DON'T: Travel somewhere that doesn't have your store brand of baby formula

Canada doesn't have Rite Aid, which means they don't have the Tugaboos Gentle formula that Audrey drinks. No big deal -- Tugaboos Gentle is just Rite Aid's off-brand version of Enfamil Gentlease. So we got Audrey the Enfamil instead.

Holy good God Almighty, the things that that Enfamil did to her digestive tract were unforgivable. After a day and a half drinking it, Audrey started letting out farts that could clear a room. They smelled like the worst dog farts of all time -- like a dog that had eaten nothing but overcooked Brussels sprouts and yard poop farted directly in your face. It was a sort of rotten vegetables and weeks-old dirty mop water fermented in feces kind of smell. And she was ripping them constantly, with a big smile that suggested she was proud of her work.

As you can imagine, a couple of brewskis only made the farts smell worse.

The poops smelled just as bad, and they were liquid. She blew out her diaper more times in the week we were gone than in the previous six months of her entire life. That was what I got to deal with on the tiny changing table in the cramped airplane lavatory while an entire aircraft full of people waited for me.

I have PTSD about the whole experience now.

On the whole, Audrey was very well-behaved on the trip and it was great to see her in the arms of her great-grandparents, who had never met her. I might even go so far as to say it was all worth it.

But if I never again have to clean up a liquid poo blowout in an airplane bathroom AS FAST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE WAITING FOR ME, it will still be too soon.