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Thursday, August 28, 2014

The horrors of a world run by babies

I've mentioned before that Audrey does a lot of artwork at daycare, which is generally awful and kind of an embarrassment.

(that's a joke. she's a baby for chrissakes.)

Well, recently she came home with this little gem:

And it really got me thinking. Imagine if Audrey really were the sheriff? (also, do you have any idea how hard that word is to spell? How many r's? How many f's? IMPOSSIBLE!)

What if Audrey made all the laws of the land, and everyone had to obey them or go to jail?

What a terrible, nightmarish dystopia of a world that would be. Here are a few of the laws that I'd expect to find:

If you have something in your hand, it's yours.

They say "possession is nine-tenths of the law." Well, in Sheriff Audrey's town, possession IS the law.

It doesn't matter how you got the item in question. Maybe you found it on a high shelf, or in a cupboard that was supposed to be locked. Maybe you pulled it out of the garbage, or found it hidden under the couch cushions. Maybe you took it out of your Mommy's hand. Hell, maybe your Mommy is wearing it around her neck! 

None of this matters a bit. Once it is in your hand, its original owner has lost all rights to it. 

And if someone thinks they can just immediately take it back from its new owner, thus making it theirs again, all I can say is dream on. The laws don't have to make sense in a world run by babies.

If you're eating something and someone wants some of it, you have to share with them.

They don't have to actually ask you for it, either. All they have to do is come and sit near you, watching you like a hawk. You have about ten seconds to comply with this law before you end up in handcuffs.

Imagine how the mall food court would look in the world ruled by Sheriff Audrey. People hiding their food like guilty squirrels while the hungry babies lie in wait, ready to strike at the first crinkle of a Panda Express foam box. Oh, you think your meal is way too spicy for a baby to eat? I'll be the f***ing judge of that.

There is no such thing as 'trespassing.' Curiosity trumps all.

There is no private property in BabyLand. If someone is curious and wants to explore, then that's the end of it -- they have to be allowed to explore. Oh, it might be dangerous for them? Well, too bad; maybe being carried out by this powerful riptide will teach them a lesson about water safety. Their presence might endanger others? Tough break. You should have taken the presence of curious babies into account when you designed this coal mine.

Please note that this curiosity rule unfortunately also extends to the bathroom. There are no doors in BabyLand. You'll just have to learn to poo quickly, and with an audience.

The rules about trespassing extend to your person as well.

Babies need to explore their world, and unfortunately for you, their world includes your face and body. This means that if a baby wants to stick a finger up your nose, then sit still and let that baby stick a finger in your nose. They're learning. Do you want to do hard time in a federal penitentiary? No? Then open your mouth and let me feel your teeth.

People can play with whatever they want, in whatever manner they deem fit.

Under Sheriff Audrey's rule, everything is a toy and there are no rules whatsoever on how these toys can be used. Safety, schmafety. If I want to put a fork into an electrical outlet, that is my right. If I want to wave a leather whip around in a crowd of people, you can't stop me. It's a free country. I'll throw this rock at your head if I feel like it. It's my rock (I had it in my hand, after all), I wanted to throw it at your head, and so I did. Game, set, match.

If someone hurts themselves by playing too aggressively, people are required to assist them.

There's no such thing as personal responsibility in BabyLand. If I want to wave around a stick that is on fire, and that stick that is on fire touches me and burns me, you can't just stand there and say "well it serves you right for doing that." It's illegal. You have to help me! I'm hurt for chrissakes! Don't just stand there!

Of course, if I hurt anyone else while waving around a stick that is on fire, then that's just tough luck for them. Nobody is required to help the bystanders caught in the crossfire. They shouldn't have been standing there.

So now I leave you with a perfectly plausible BabyLand scenario, to truly drive home how terrible such a world would be:

You get home from work after a long day, peeling a banana as you pass through your front entryway (no door, remember?). "Thank god," you think. "I haven't had a chance to eat anything all day! My coworkers are such mooches!"

Just as you take the first bite of your banana, you step into your living room and discover a strange man and woman standing in there.

"What on earth are you doing here?" you demand, noticing that they both seem to be clutching items of yours. "Put those things down! They're mine!"

"We wanted to know what was inside your house, so we came in," the man explains. "Then we saw this stuff and it looked cool, so we grabbed it. It's ours now."

At this point, you notice that the woman has sidled up next to you, staring at your banana and making excited noises. "Oh for f**k's sake," you groan, biting off a piece of the banana and giving it to her.

"I like your house," the man continues, climbing up onto your couch and then stepping gingerly up onto the back of it. "Look how high I am!"

"You really shouldn't do that," you warn, continuing to feed pieces of your banana to the woman. "It's not safe. You could fall."

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" the man shouts, raising his arms over his head. You see that he is holding one of your socks in one hand, and your TV remote in the other. He begins mashing the buttons on the TV remote. "I LOVE THIS REMOTE!"

"I really wish that you would get down from there," you say nervously, noticing that the man's furious button-pushing seems to be rocking the entire couch.

"No!" he cries. And just at that moment, the entire couch tips over backwards from his weight, sending him sprawling. "AHHHHHWWWWAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Shit," you mutter, handing what's left of your banana to the woman while you run over to console the man and check him for injuries.

"I FELL AND I GOT HURT!" the man sobs. "Why did you let this happen?"

You sigh. "I'm so sorry that you got hurt. Here, let me make it better." You wrap your arms around him, rocking him slowly in your lap until his sobs begin to quiet.

Just then, the woman steps in front of you and smashes you in the face with the banana peel, laughing maniacally. And as your jaw drops in surprise, she wordlessly slides a single finger into your mouth all the way to the base knuckle. You can't help but notice her finger's bitter, gritty taste as she pokes at your uvula. Then the man shits himself in your lap.

Don't vote for Audrey for Sheriff. You will regret it.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

300th Post!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!!11

This right here is blog post number 300.

Whoa. Wrap your mind around that.

Here are some GIFs to help us celebrate the occasion:

First, look at this festive piece of crap!

Wow, that's awful! Whoever made that should be ashamed!

Next up is a GIF slideshow of some of my favorite drawings. I could have put more in the slideshow but I lost interest after like 20 so it is what it is.


Thanks everyone for sticking with me for 300 posts.

Here's to 300 more.

j/k we'll all be long dead by then.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Animated GIF Friday: Unexpected chicken

I drew another GIF for your enjoyment (okay, I actually drew it for my own enjoyment, but if you enjoy it too then everybody wins!).

I hope you like it!

It's a ... well, I guess it's a chicken?

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Lightning Round Reviews: The Notebook, Noah, and Keira Knightley

I meant to write a good post today but then I sort of lost my motivation so instead here comes a lightning round of reviews of media I've consumed recently!

First up ...

The Notebook (audiobook) 
By Nicholas Sparks; read by Barry Bostwick

(warning -- this contains spoilers)

I finally finished listening to the entire Game of Thrones series a couple weeks ago, after listening to it for over a year and a half. That's a year and a half of conspiracies, incest, torture, sex, murder, war, and everything in between.

So in order to decompress a bit, I decided to go for a bit of light romance, and ordered The Notebook. I have never seen the movie, and didn't really know what it was about other than "love story; someone has Alzheimer's."

This book was such trash. I shouldn't even say "was" because I still have like 40 minutes left in the audiobook but I haven't been able to bring myself to turn it back on. 

I don't even know what about it pisses me off the most. I mean, it's a love story about a woman who lies to and cheats on her fiancé like it's no big deal. We aren't supposed to give a shit about the other dude she was engaged to? What the hell did he do to deserve being treated like that?? She was all "oh, we can't have sex til we're married, kind fiancé of mine, because I'm a virgin. I mean I let this other dude stick his dick in me like ten thousand times but what I meant was other than that I'm a virgin. Oh, and right before we're supposed to get married, I'm gonna let him stick his dick in me ten thousand more times even though you've been patient for years. What a romance lol!" Allie, you suck. You are a bad human.

Then when the actual notebook part ends and they're both super old in the nursing home, the story gets so sappy I actually found myself sticking my tongue out and making fart noises aloud while alone in my car. I had just reached a point where I couldn't hold the fart noises in. The framing device where Noah starts re-reading old letters he wrote to Allie? F***ing stupid. Oh, he wrote her letters (while they were physically together, mind you) that tidily summarized key plot elements like how she ended up leaving her fiancé? HOW CONVENIENT. 

(Although I do often write Jesse letters that go like "remember the time when we had that argument about whether it made more sense to rinse Audrey's bottles out immediately or to wait until it was time to wash them? You felt that they should be rinsed right after use, while I felt that was an unnecessary extra step. We compared pros and cons, and in the end I gave in and agreed to rinse them since washing the bottles is your job and I should make it easier, not harder. Umm, anyway, so yeah, I remember that too.")

Eventually, I turned the book off while angrily shouting "SHUT THE F*** UP" at my Audible app. I found myself wishing I had Siri turned on, so I could yell "Siri -- TELL THESE JACKASSES TO SHUT THE F*** UP IMMEDIATELY." Siri would have been like "I don't understand" or "I cannot do that" but still, I would have felt better just getting to say it out loud.

Also, the guy who reads the audiobook sounds like a douche and he whispers a lot and it makes me feel like he's trying to seduce me in a creepy way. Like I feel violated after listening to the book for a while. I'm not going to take my shirt off for you, Barry Bostwick. No means no.

Plus there's all this random music that pipes up sometimes and makes it hard to hear the narration. Why? Who decided to add this??

All in all, it's dogshit. 2/10, would not read again. Probably will not even finish reading, actually.

Next up, we have ...

Noah (the movie starring Russell Crowe)

This movie sucked.

Keira Knightley's performance in Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit

This was the first time I've ever seen Keira Knightley playing an American. I didn't even realize it until the movie was on, but I have not seen her do an American accent a single time. Even when she is cast alongside Americans, like in Domino and Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, they still find a way to make her be British.

I never realized her teeth were so bad until this movie. I guess whenever she does her usual British accent, I ignore her teeth because, well ... you know the stereotypes as well as I do.

But as soon as she started hitting those R's like a Yank, I couldn't ignore her teeth anymore. They were so distracting that I don't even remember most of the movie.

Then, a friend's kid got hold of the remote and turned it off before we could reach the grand conclusion. We had rented it on On Demand and the 24 hour rental was up so we couldn't turn it back on.

But it was pretty bad up til that point, so in a way I think Grady did us a favor.

Plus I hate Kevin Costner.


So, there you go! Hope these reviews help you out. You're welcome.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

If any of these sound like goals you've espoused in your life, time to reevaluate

I strive every single day to be a better person. It's an endless struggle, but I keep at it because I always want to look back at the past version of myself and think "I was okay back then, but I prefer the person I am now." It really takes the sting out of getting older, too. I don't get older; I get better.

But some people do not seem to share this goal. In fact, some people seem to have goals completely contrary to mine. They don't try to be better; they try to be worse and to make others worse. And it's sad.

Here are some goals that awful people have. If any of these sound like things that you've aspired to recently, it's time for you to take a step back and think about your life a little bit.


"I need to be more of a bitch, I think. I'm too nice."

Sometimes I watch the show Fashion Police with Joan Rivers, and I am just amazed by that woman. She is so goddamned funny, and her delivery is so flawless, that she can say the nastiest, snarkiest, most horrible things ever, and you just can't help but laugh at it. She's such a master of snark that I suspect even the people she's ragging on have to laugh a little bit. You know snark is done well when the butt of the joke ends up laughing at it too. I admire Joan for this. 

HOWEVER, COMMA, I do not try to emulate her. Why? Because I don't quite have the skill that she has, so if I tried to act like Joan Rivers, I would just come off like a cruel bitch. And being a cruel bitch is not the star towards which I am aiming. (and I will fully admit that this has been the hardest bad habit for me to give up. Making fun of people behind their backs is fun and it feels good ... but it's mean and it makes the world worse so I'm trying to stop doing it)

Joan Rivers:

Me trying to be Joan Rivers:
F***, now I feel terrible. No one is laughing and everyone is crying. I have failed.

Is being a cruel bitch the star towards which YOU are aiming? Do you see a group of meanies making fun of someone and think "oh wow I desperately want those meanies to like me. I bet they will like me if I am super bitchy like them," so you walk up to a total stranger and dump Coke Zero down her pants? Was this successful at getting the meanies to like you? Was your life improved by this act? Are you in 6th grade?




"I need to be more unique and different, and I think the best way to do that is to hate someone that everyone else likes."

If everyone likes someone, there's usually a reason. For example, maybe that person is likable.

Gosh, don't you hate it when other people are likable? That's the worst. They take attention away from me, and that, good sir, is unforgivable.

You might even go so far as to say I hate people who are likable.

So in conclusion, f*** you Chris Pratt. See, everyone likes Chris Pratt. Except me.* Worship me, for I am a free thinker!

*Just kidding; obviously I love Chris Pratt. Are there people who don't like Chris Pratt? WHY?! What reason could you possibly have???!

Tommy T-Rex just wants you to like him. Look how sad he is that someone hates him! Don't make him feel like that.


"I need to prevent others from finding joy in activities that I personally do not gain pleasure from."

When you see that other people are having fun doing something that you personally do not find enjoyable, how do you handle it? Do you think "well, whatever floats your boat I guess"? Or do you go with something more like "I do not enjoy that activity; therefore, other people do not deserve to find joy in it" and then you go out of your way to try and ruin the others' good time?

Hopefully you selected Option 1, because otherwise you are a monster. If someone wants to, for example, watch Frozen ten times in a row because they love it, why would I feel the need to walk up to them and announce that "enjoying Disney movies as an adult is juvenile, and liking them makes you a lesser person than me"? How does that improve my life?

It doesn't.

Taking joy away from other people is not a good goal to set.

I'm being so mean to dinosaurs today :-(

So, in conclusion, this whole post boils down to a couple of rules that we should all aim to follow if we want the world to be a better place. And those rules are:

1. Try to be a better person
2. Don't try to be a worse person.

I think we can do it, guys. Now go compliment a stranger. It will make you both feel good. :-)

Friday, August 15, 2014

Animated GIF Friday: I made another shark!

Y'all didn't really give a hoot about all the awesome sharks I drew the other day, which hurt my feelings but WHATEVER.

I channeled my hurt into this amazing shark GIF:


Thursday, August 14, 2014

F*** you with the Reply All

A mass email is sent. Maybe it was sent accidentally to the wrong group of people; maybe it was sent intentionally by someone who enjoys spamming others; maybe it was sent by someone who forgot that Blind Carbon Copy (BCC) is a thing, so their pregnancy announcement went out with the email addresses of everyone they know splashed right there in the CC line. But either way, the email has been sent and it's now sitting in your inbox.

And then the Reply Alls begin.

And f*** those motherf***ers.

Here are the different types of Reply Allers, in rough order of their appearance in the email thread:

The Idiots

The Idiots are the people who genuinely don't understand that hitting "Reply All" is different from hitting "Reply". So they Reply All in a state of total obliviousness, sending their "LOL !!!" or their "CONGRADULATIONS" message to all 148 people on the email, rather than just the sender.

I kind of hate this person, but not that much, because it's not their fault that they don't understand how these things work. I mean, it is their fault, really, but ... ugh. Just please don't do this. I can tell you with 100% certainty that nobody on earth gives a shit whether or not you LOL'd at something other than the person who sent it to you.

"I don't even know you, Ethel, and yet here I am reading an email in which you confess to using your slacks as a toilet."

The Helpful Idiots

There's another class of idiots, and they pop up whenever a message was sent to a large group in error. The Helpful Idiot will inform the sender that they sent the email to the wrong group, or that they probably didn't mean to send it to everyone at the company, or that they probably should have used the BCC line instead of the CC line to send it. These are helpful tips that the sender of the email might appreciate.




The "Stop Hitting Reply All" Guy

This is the only person on this list who I don't immediately want to pummel. "Stop Hitting Reply All" Guy can be so valuable -- he can be the difference between hours of frustration or a quick, painless death.

But only if he plays his role carefully.

"Stop Hitting Reply All" Guy has to strike within the first 2-3 Reply All messages sent to the group. If he waits any longer than that, then nobody will be reading the replies anymore so his email will just be another scream in the cacophony of messages everyone is immediately deleting.

When I get 50 emails from people I don't know replying to a message I don't care about, you can bet your bippy I ain't readin em.

But if "Stop Hitting Reply All" Guy gets in at the right moment, he can put an end to all this. Suddenly, anyone who continues to Reply All after being reminded not to is either an even bigger idiot than anyone could have imagined, or they're an asshole troll doing it on purpose.

And while we're on the subject of asshole trolls who Reply All on purpose ...

The "lol you hit Reply All to tell everyone else not to reply all" Guy

I f***ing hate this guy. If you've ever felt like maybe you wanted to be this guy, here's some advice: DO NOT BE THIS GUY.

If you want to be a troll, go troll the f***heads on Yahoo Answers or in the Youtube comments section. Do NOT troll a bunch of innocent people who are just trying to live their lives without their iPhones going off every 8 seconds with a new email from a lonely shitbag living in his mom's basement.

The Annoyed Idiots

At this point, at least 6-8 emails have come in, and people are starting to get pissed. Maybe they're in a meeting and their phone keeps vibrating with all these pointless bullshit messages. Maybe they're waiting for an important message to come in, but it's getting drowned in these nonsense replies.

And it's totally understandable to be annoyed.

But do you know what you shouldn't do with this annoyance?



The person who sends "UNSUBSCRIBE" to everyone

Haha that doesn't do anything you dope.

The "lol I've got my popcorn" Assholes

I f***ing hate these people too. They only tend to show up when an email is sent to a big but anonymous group, like the entire student body or alumni group. They'll contribute something like:

-- "Lol here we go with the reply alls ..."

-- "Oh man people are starting to get pissed!"

-- "I can't believe people are still replying all to this message."

-- "So, did everyone have a good lunch today? What'd you have? I got a burrito bowl from Chipotle. It tasted okay."

No one thinks you are funny. Just shut the f*** up.

The Unfathomable Idiots

The final category on this list is the people so stupid you wonder if they've ever even seen a computer before.

These are the people who, even after 40 email replies have gone out -- after the idiots have idiotted, the helpful people have been helpful, the trolls have trolled, the annoyed people have expressed their annoyance, and the assholes have sprayed shit everywhere -- after all this is complete, the Unfathomable Idiot shows up late on the scene with a reply to the most recent message in the 40+ email chain:

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

In honor of Shark Week: Let's learn how to draw sharks!

Last week, we learned how to draw birds properly. And boy did they ever look great!*

*like hot garbage

So now that it's Shark Week, how about we learn to properly draw sharks?

Once again, I've found some online tutorials on how to draw sharks, and I am going to use them to make some magic.

Just like last time, I'll start by drawing a shark as best I can before looking at any drawing tutorials, to see what kind of skill we're starting with:

Wow! I think we can all agree that that's a pretty great* shark! And just think -- the drawing tutorials will only make things better!

*terrible enough that I should probably kill myself

Here's the first tutorial I found on wikihow:

I followed it to the letter, and what did I end up with?

This beauty here:

Beautiful. But he doesn't look very threatening, and looks kind of more like a dolphin than a shark. Let's see if the next drawing tutorial turns out better.

This guy looks a little more menacing. Let's see if I can pull it off:

Oh. Oh dear.

Okay, so ... this one looks horrible. It looks like a whale, not a shark ... and why is the tail so small? Awful. Let's try another one.

I have a really good feeling about this one, you guys. A really good feeling.

I should not have had such a good feeling about it.

This one pretty much looks just like my original shark drawing, except the side fins are better and I learned that sharks come in two colors. I guess that's ... an improvement. Right??

Let's try one more. I just know this is going to be my moment to shine. I mean just look at how mean this motherf***er is:

This is not a shark to be trifled with. This is a shark that will eat you for sure.

How did mine turn out?


Okay, so I drew all these sharks by copying tutorials, but none of that matters unless I actually learned how to draw a better shark WITHOUT a tutorial in front of me. So did I? Let's find out!

Time to draw one more shark, this time from memory. Fingers crossed that I can do this.

Here we go:

Oh my god. I should teach a class.

And just for laughs, here's an animated GIF I put together of every step in the process of drawing the scary killer shark above. You can see me copy the tutorial, and then go back and try to fix the parts that looked like poop. So you don't have to just imagine how much worse it would look if I hadn't fixed anything -- you can see it with your own eyes!

Okay this actually turned out really cool and I think I might have to make more of these.

Happy Shark Week, everyone!

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Always say please. Always.

Teaching kids good manners is a 24/7 job. They're always watching you, and learning from you, and absorbing every single thing you do.

So, I make sure to remember to always say "please" and "thank you" to Audrey.

Sometimes this is hard, though. For example:

"Don't use Mommy's hair as a rope to help you stand up in the bed please."

Babies shouldn't be standing up in the bed anyway. It always ends badly.

"Do NOT roll over and crawl away while there's still poop on your bum, please!"

I cropped this one instead of drawing a poopy butt because I want you to like me.

"You cannot play inside the refrigerator. Please come here so Mommy can close it." [cue loud, angry crying as baby is forcibly removed from refrigerator] "Thank you."

Seriously, as soon as that fridge door opens, she's there. She's like your roommate's stoner friend who's been living on your couch for the past three weeks.

"Don't update Mommy's Facebook please."

If you see something like this, either Audrey got my phone or I'm having a stroke. You should hit "like" either way, because it's the polite thing to do.



So there you have it, guys. Always be polite to your kid, and they will probably grow up to be a wonderful part of society. 

Or maybe just a good kindergarten teacher.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Drawing practice: let's learn to draw a bird!

Look, we all know I'm not really the best artist. But I'm working on it.

So today I am going to learn how to draw a bird properly, using some simple internet tutorials. And not a moment too soon, either -- without any assistance, I draw birds like this:
Even the bird looks disappointed with how much he sucks.

What I'm going to do here is find some templates on how to draw a bird, and I'm going to copy them. And then you can see just how easy it actually is to draw stuff!

I will start with an easy one, copying this template here:

4 easy steps? No problem! Even I can handle that. Plus I like that it gives me some tips on how to color it. I need direction like that. Here's how mine turned out:

Great, right? Looks just like the template! Who knew I had that in me!!!

Time to step it up a little with a slightly more complex bird:

No worries; I got this. Check it out.

I got a little more creative with the color scheme this time. Looks fab, right?

Since I'm getting so much better at drawing birds, I think I'm ready to take it up another level. This time I'm going to draw a cardinal, using a pattern that requires me to erase some lines after I make them. Looks pretty tough but I'm feeling good about myself so I'm sure I can do it:

Ready? Are you ready for this?

Drawing the cardinal did not go well :-(

The sun is like "dude wtf this is horrible."

Alright, alright, so I kind of pushed my luck on that one. I tried to do one that was beyond my abilities. You might even say I ... flew too close to the sun.


Not a big deal -- just need to reel it in a little and try another easy one.

I bet I can draw bird C on this guide:


That is a f***ing bird right there. Damn. Damn.

Feeling pretty confident again, I think it's time to notch things back up a little. Maybe not quite to the cardinal level of difficulty, but at least I feel like I can give bird D on the above template a shot:

I know I was supposed to erase that line but it made him look like a pirate so I decided to leave it in. Artistic license, bitches.

So there you go. That's how you draw birds. Feel free to give it a try and send me what you come up with. If they're half as good as mine (impossible!), I'll totally post them here.

And what should we learn to draw next? I'm thinking dinosaurs but I'm open to suggestions. Happy drawing, friends!

Friday, August 1, 2014

Animated GIF Friday: A GIF for when someone completely misses your sarcasm

So I know the art on this is shitty, and I may yet do more work on it, but you get the idea. It's a GIF to post in response to morons who repeatedly whoosh on your sarcasm and just take it literally. Bless their little hearts.