Blog Archive

Friday, October 31, 2014

Happy Halloween! Look who's dressed up in costumes this year!

It's Halloween, yippee-doo! If you're as costume-crazy as I am, then you'll hopefully enjoy this collection of historical figures wearing Halloween costumes. I started with the same gang that I put glasses on the other day:

First up, Johann Sebastian Bach, dressing up as a frog!

Next, we've got little miss Mona Lisa, playing the role of the Slutty Pirate, complete with killer cleavage:

Ol' Bill Shakespeare ran out of time to come up with a good costume, so he just went with the copout hobo costume. Lame, buddy. Lame.

Marie Antoinette, rather unsurprisingly, went as a Sexy Nurse:

No Halloween would be complete without at least one superhero. Here's Chris Columbus trying to pull off Spider-Man:

Happy Halloween, everyone!

My two favorite dinosaurs

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Totally legit product reviews: Frontier Airlines

Jesse and I recently took a trip from Seattle to Washington, DC to see all our old pals. Being a typical cheapskate, I searched for flights on Expedia and selected whatever airline offered the most inexpensive tickets ... and that happened to be Frontier Airlines.

Let me just go ahead and tell you how that worked out for us.

Frontier used to be great. Back when they were their own independent airline, they were super fun and kind of luxurious. Flying Frontier was a treat.

But then they got bought by a private equity firm. And things went south.

For this particular trip, everything seemed great at first. The tickets were pretty cheap -- a bit cheaper than the alternatives, though not shockingly so. The flights connected through Denver in both directions, which I was happy about because Denver seems to actually be on the way from Seattle to DC. Not like all those stupid horrible connections I've made in ATLANTA and DALLAS on the same trip in the past.

Things took a turn for the worse when it came time to check in for our flights.

I dutifully headed over to and was greeted with an incredibly shitty website that looks like it was someone's college freshman web design project. 

And the mobile site looks like it was designed by a high school student.

I entered our names and reservation code, and was almost immediately faced with two unacceptable facts:

1. It costs $30 to carry a bag onto the plane if it's any larger than a briefcase.
2. Reserving a seat costs $8 per person per leg of the flight. If you do not pay the $8, your seat will be "randomly assigned" and your party will likely not be seated together.

As soon as I saw this, my face was like:

What the fart? I get charging for checked baggage -- I mean, checked bags require more infrastructure and manpower to handle. If nobody ever checked bags, imagine how much money the airlines and airport would save! But carry-on bags? How the hell do they cost the airline any money? Maybe a tiny bit more fuel to cover the extra weight, but that's it. And since they don't cost any real money, then why the hell are you charging me thirty effing dollars for them??!?! $5-$10 I might get over. $30 makes me angry. Especially since this wasn't mentioned when I was purchasing my tickets.

It also doesn't cost the airline any money to reserve my seat. I do it myself using the magic of the internet! By all means, charge more for seats with extra legroom. Charge more to sit at the front of the plane where you can exit first when you arrive.

But don't charge people extra to sit with their traveling companions. That's horseshit! Southwest doesn't even offer assigned seats at all, but you're STILL pretty likely to sit with your travel partner as long as you check in early. 

Since Jesse and I of course wanted to sit next to each other, that meant I paid a total of $32 extra for the pleasure of sitting in the middle seat. I paid extra for a f***ing middle seat. F*** you, Frontier Airlines.

And not this kind of middle seat with sexy ladies on either side.

Things took a bit of a turn for the better when I realized that Jesse's active duty military status meant we could have one extra carry-on bag for free. Stupid, pointless, offensive rules make me angry, but they make me a lot less angry when they don't apply to me. This just meant that when we got to the airport, we would need to check in with an agent (waiting in the long line first, of course) so she could print the proper boarding passes without charging us the $30. Now armed with the necessary "+1 carry-on allowed" boarding pass, we headed to the gate.

When it came time to get on the plane, we were pleased to find that the overhead bins were almost entirely empty. I guess that's what happens when you charge people THIRTY F***ING DOLLARS (CAN YOU TELL I'M REALLY ANGRY AT THIS??!?!) TO BRING BAGS ONTO THE PLANE. The plane itself was a piece of crap probably built in 1987. It was held together largely by duct tape and the prayers of the passengers on board. There wasn't even a copy of Sky Mall in the seat pocket, as Frontier presumably burned all the Sky Malls to help fuel the engines and save some money on gas. If you wanted a soda on the plane, it cost $2.

And when we arrived at DCA airport, it was in the dreaded Terminal A, which is the forgotten dingleberried asshole of that otherwise-lovely airport. F*** you, Frontier Airlines. We had to sprint to catch our train.

The trip home was more of the same, but with an additional bit of fun thrown into the mix. I guess the gate agents at DCA are a lot stricter and less fun-loving than the gate agents in Seattle and Denver (which makes sense, really), so they demanded that all carry-on items be measured in their stupid bin things. You know those old "if your luggage doesn't fit in this weird arbitrarily sized compartment that has no relation to the size of the luggage compartments on board the plane, then it's too big to take on the plane" things that used to be in airports everywhere until they were discontinued because they're stupid? Yeah, Frontier still has those and uses them. There's one bigger one that's for your $30 carry-ons, and then a smaller one that's for your free purse or briefcase-sized bag.

And in DC, they wouldn't let you on the plane until you had proven to them that your bags fit. So imagine this: it is 6AM, and there is a giant line of weary people who just want to get to their $8 seats and maybe relax with a $2 cup of coffee. But before they may embark, they are forced to shove their purses and backpacks into this bag measuring device one after another, as a humorless gate agent scowls at them and then marks their boarding pass with a bright red pen.

When it was my turn to stuff my backpack in the "personal items" box, it wouldn't fit at first so I had to really lean my weight into it, practically jumping up and down on it until it finally gave way and slid into the box. Jesse was encouraging me to "spit on it!" and "start with just the tip!" I replied that "I've shoved bigger into smaller!" 

The gate agent did not find our double entendres the least bit amusing. He then tried to yell at me for having two items (my backpack and my purse) while I was in the process of handing my purse to Jesse to carry onto the plane. "The purse is mine," he said. "I keep my tampons in it." Again, the gate agent was not amused.

At the gate next door, a group of Southwest employees were having a party. There was cake. And singing.

F*** you, Frontier Airlines.

Never again.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

In which I deface famous portraits

I'm having another one of those "I feel uncreative" days, so of course I'm combating it with nonsense! Today, I will be defacing some famous portraits, because I think that the only thing missing from the faces of famed historical figures/paintings is some bangin' sweet spectacles.

I'm sure you'll agree.

Take, for instance, our buddy Johann Sebastian Bach. Just look at that face:

What a grump! I wonder if some glasses will cheer him up:

Hmmm, not really. Looks like I'll need to go full nuclear on this one.

 Yes .... yes. This is good.

Next, we turn our attention to the famed Mona Lisa:

Ugh, boring much? What she needs is some sweet orange hipster glasses, and maybe some feisty drawn-on eyebrows while we're at it:

 Hundred times more bangable.

What about this terrible Renaissance painting of some derpy kid?

 I suppose it could be a really accurate painting of a SUPER derpy kid.

Get this kid some Harry Potter specs, immediately!

 I want to take his lunch money.

I don't know who this chick is, but she looks like she might be related to the kid above:

We're going full 1980s on this one:

 I think my mom used to have glasses just like this.

What about our old bro William Shakespeare?

Could he borrow Mona Lisa's hipster shades?

 Oh my god I wanna roundhouse kick William Shakespeare right in the douche beard.

Will it help if the glasses have thinner frames?

Actually, yes. Now he just looks scholarly rather than like someone who pays for tall cans of PBR from his $2 bill collection.

We all know that Marie Antoinette had it goin' on:

And a pair of librarian glasses just make it even better!

 I'll eat your cake any t--
I'm sorry. I won't even finish that sentence.
Especially because she's SUPER dead.

Let's move next to the King of the Assholes, one Mister Christopher Columbus:

Call me a hardass, but I don't think the orchestrator of a genocide deserves to try on attractive glasses. Instead, he's getting the grandpa-est of grandpa glasses:

 Haha he looks f***ing stupid.

But nobody will ever look as stupid as the fantastically inbred Charles II of Spain:

That concludes our tour through history. I, uh ... I can't think of anything else to say because Charles II's face is still staring at me and it's just awful.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Let's learn about Ebola!

Last week, while I was home sick with Audrey, I turned on Good Morning America one morning. This was right after the first nurse in Texas was diagnosed with Ebola, so it was quite a hot topic. During this brief time spent watching GMA, I was alerted to the fact that 65% of Americans are apparently concerned about Ebola and the risk that they might personally contract it.

Just to make sure we are all on the same page here: 65% of Americans are legitimately concerned that they might contract and die from Ebola.

Now, clearly, for that many people to think there's a realistic chance that they might get Ebola, there must have been some misinformation going on. And so we're going to clear all that up right here and now with this helpful blog post written by me, a person with no medical expertise whatsoever.

How is Ebola transmitted?

Ebola is transmitted through bodily fluids. This means that if you have sex with the diarrhea of someone who has Ebola, there's a good chance you will also get Ebola. This especially means you shouldn't have sex with the corpse of someone who has died of Ebola (I'm lookin' at you, Frank).

But you already knew that. So let's go deeper.

You can also get Ebola from being a blood relative of someone who has it. Because blood is a bodily fluid. And you share it with your blood relatives. Get it? So watch out.

  "My husband's Great Aunt was once a patient at Texas Presbyterian! Am I at risk?"

No, you idiot. You're not related to your husband by blood are you? No? Then you're fine. Just stay away from his diarrhea when he gets Ebola (which he definitely will), and control your carnal urges once he has succumbed.

Can Ebola be transmitted through coughing?

100% definitely yes, especially if someone with Ebola coughs a big ball of bloody phlegm directly into your mouth. Please try to avoid this!!

Why are they bringing infected American doctors and aid workers back to the United States where they might infect others?

I don't know, but the better question is, why are they bringing them back on commercial flights sitting in coach in the middle seat between an old woman and a pregnant woman with a baby? Seems awfully irresponsible if you ask me. At least seat them on the aisle or something.

It's to save money, I bet. The economy being what it is.

Can I get Ebola from being in the same city as someone who has it?

Well, you certainly can't get it from NOT being in the same city as someone who has it, so I guess that answers your question, huh? Watch your back. Especially you folks in the DC area, where that infected nurse was transported. Y'all are gonna die.

Why isn't Obama doing more about this?

I saw this on Good Morning America as well: some ridiculous majority of Americans apparently feel that Obama isn't doing enough to stop the Ebola outbreak.

Umm, hello ... Obama created Ebola and released it within the US to create fear and panic and consolidate his own control over the populace. Wake up, sheeple. Now you want him to do more??!? HASN'T HE DONE ENOUGH?

Obama will allow the Ebola cure to go public once enough people have died and his blood lust has been sated. It's like 9/11 all over again, but on a smaller scale and with a lot more diarrhea.

Diarrhea death dealer

Well guys, I hope this cleared some things up. I know I feel a lot more knowledgeable about Ebola now.

If you'd like to do some further reading on the subject that is actually accurate, I'd recommend reading up on the CDC website: 

Otherwise, please enjoy this infographic I put together for you, which is pretty much just the CDC website summarized in pictures:

Actually this seems like a pretty amazing outcome. I hope I get Ebola next!

Friday, October 17, 2014

Animated GIF Friday: Fever Dreams

I have been home most of the week with my daughter, who has been sick with a fever for days. She finally woke up without one this morning, so life is back to normal for the time being. But since I'm totally and hopelessly discombobulated from days spent caring for a sick baby, I can't form thoughts coherent enough to write an actual post. So instead, here is an animated GIF of the fever dreams Audrey and I have been enjoying for the past several days:

I've watched it all the way through at least five times now and I'm no closer to understanding it.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Jokes so bad you'll get a nosebleed: with pictures!

There's just no excuse for any of this.


You're dumber now. Go ahead, try and do some math. I bet you can't anymore.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

CHARM SCHOOL! How to be a good houseguest

Do you even remember the last time we did a Charm School post? Me neither! It's been ages.

We had several houseguests staying with us in recent weeks, which inspired me to start a thread on a web forum and get other people's input into what makes a good houseguest and what makes the worst ever houseguest. Based on those responses, I put together the following list of houseguest rules:

Presents ...

How to not be such a shitty houseguest

Rule 1: Don't be f***ing disgusting

You'd think this would be an easy one for people, but you'd be so, so wrong. Apparently, being disgusting in someone else's house is a friggin' epidemic out there.

There are so many ways that you can be disgusting. 

-- You can leave behind a smear of shit in the toilet bowl, so that I have to clean up feces that came out of your body.

-- You can leave little bits of toothpaste and hair in the sink, so that I have to clean up something that has been in your mouth or used to be attached to your body.

-- You can lay the bath towel you used to dry out your asscrack anywhere other than the assigned towel rack or the laundry hamper, so it can leach out butt-juice onto whatever you've decided it's cool for it to touch.

-- You can leave your dirty dishes sitting all over my house for me to wash and put away for you.

-- You can leave the toilet seat up with your pee sitting in there unflushed. Saving the environment one stinky piss at a time!

None of these things are acceptable. In fact, just imagining someone doing them in my house makes me so angry I want to install huge padlocks on my doors so that nobody may enter ever again.

And yet people do this shit all the time.

Just so we're clear: you are human (I assume), and therefore, you are gross. Everything you do is gross. Especially everything you do in the bathroom. So if you have to do your gross bathroom stuff in my house, at least clean up after your goddamned self because I am not a janitor and I'm not going to be happy wiping your f***ing ear hairs up off my bathroom counter. Also, check under the toilet seat and make sure you didn't leave any long pubes behind because honestly just typing the word "pubes" makes me want to throw up.

I guess mostly because you came off the genitals of someone I don't know that well.

Rule 2: Help provide food for everyone

Are you a good cook? Are you able to locate things in someone else's kitchen without asking them 5,000 questions? Can you get to the grocery store without your host's help? Then it sounds like you're a great candidate for cooking a meal for everyone!

I love it when this lady comes to visit!

Are you not a good cook, have no grocery store access, or need a lot of fancy kitchen implements that many people don't own? Are you afraid to look for things and would rather ask your host individually for every single item you'll need? Well then it sounds like you're a shitty candidate for cooking a meal for everyone, and you should buy takeout for your hosts instead!

"Artificial vanilla extract? Is this a f***ing joke?"
-- a guy who is never getting invited back

I honestly don't know which is worse: someone who just sits around your house eating everything under the sun while contributing nothing (even washing the dishes) for days on end, or someone who insists on "helping" by being underfoot and asking fifty million questions about where the ______ is kept, and do you have any _______? It will take me so f***ing long to teach you where everything in my kitchen is (since you insist on asking rather than looking for it), I'd be better off just cooking it myself.

I don't keep a collection of butt plugs and a decapitated human head in my kitchen cabinets (anymore). It's okay to open them and look for things you need. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, well ... I think everyone likes pizza.

This guy can come over whenever he wants, too.

Rule 3: Make yourself at home -- don't make me actively "host" you for the entirety of your visit

If you're hungry, get a snack. If you're thirsty, get a drink. If you think disappearing to the kitchen and returning with snacks will come off as rude (which it might, depending on your host), then announce "hey, I'm a little hungry, so I'm going to grab a snack. Anyone else want something?" This is much nicer for a host to deal with than "excuse me, miss, hate to disturb you, but I am a little bit hungry and am wondering if you might be willing to prepare me something to eat?"

You are an adult. I don't need to cut your cheese up for you.

And let's also take a second to circle back to "don't be disgusting": if I look over and see you double-dipping your chewed celery ends in my tub of hummus, I'm taking $5 out of your wallet because now I have to throw that tub of hummus away. You pig.

You needed to leave three days ago.

Rule 4: Don't take "making yourself at home" too far

Look, it's great that you feel so comfortable in my house. I'm glad that we have that kind of close relationship.



Unless you made me with your body, then no matter how comfortable you are, I don't want to see you walking around in your boxers with breath like a thousand dead dragons and crusty green boogers in your eyes. You may feel "at home", but you are NOT at home. You are at someone else's home.

So you can put on some pants, run a comb through your hair, and splash some water on your face before you join me on the couch for coffee. If your balls find their way out through the flap on the front of your boxers, how are we going to be social together ever again?

Other examples of taking "making myself at home" too far:

-- Using someone's things without permission for extended periods of time.

-- Walking around someone's house with your shoes on, even though they don't wear shoes in the house. Bonus points for putting your feet up on an ottoman or coffee table with your shoes on.

-- Leaving dishes and trash lying around because that's how you do things at your place.

If you live in a pile of trash ripping farts through your tighty whiteys at home, I salute you. If you try to import this behavior to my house, I will beat you to death with a croquet mallet.

Rule 5: Don't inconvenience me with your nonsense

You know, your nonsense. Whatever nonsense that may be. "I need to make a special trip to Costco to buy a battery!" "My flight leaves at 6AM so we're gonna wanna leave for the airport by 4!" "Oops, I didn't bring any shoes with me! Is there a shoe store nearby? I need custom orthotics for them. It will take a few hours, so you might want to leave work early." "Did I mention I'm gluten free now? So everything you cook needs to accommodate that." "I brought my German Shepherd puppy!"

Stay the f*** at home, dude. For real.

Past issues of Charm School: What not to say to a pregnant lady; Weddings; How to guest-proof your home; Should I give this person advice?; Attending a funeral

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Happy 1st Birthday to my baby girl ... an animated GIF

Seems like it was just yesterday that I shoved a baby out my butt! But as it happens, it was a full year ago. Happy birthday, little one.