Blog Archive

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

What is wrong with men these days

I have a very Hemingway-esque view on the roles of men and women. I expect men to be able to do man stuff, and I expect women to be able to do woman stuff. If people of each gender are able to also do the other gender's stuff, then more power to them; however, they need to make sure to master their own shit first.

Example: Michelle Rodriguez in the Fast and the Furious is irresistibly attractive because she is hot AND she works on cars.

But, when someone is utterly unable to perform the tasks required of their gender, I roll my eyes at them. I don't care if it's 2012 and a modern society and all that. I'm old-school, and my expectations for men are especially high. So, here are a few of the types of men who really piss me off these days:

Men Who Call Triple A When They Get a Flat Tire

Men, do you know how to change a tire? If not, what are you waiting for? You're an embarassment to yourself, to your father, and to your grandfather. Here, the Internet wants to teach you:

(and women, you should learn how to do this as well)

If you get a flat tire and you're not wearing a white tuxedo at the time, change that shit yourself. You big pussy.

What kind of asshole makes his wife/girlfriend sit on the side of the road for hours because he's too useless to spend five minutes putting on the spare tire??? Shameful. I hope the bear eats him first and then Chuck Norris shows up just in time to save the girl.

Men Who Get Manicures and Pedicures

Sorry boys; there's just no excuse for this. Don't feel bad; there are plenty of things we women don't get to do, like pee standing up. You'll just have to get over it.


Men Whose Sense of Personal Style Sets Off my Gay-dar

Interaction with a gay man at a bar:

Interaction with a similarly-dressed straight man at a bar:

(apologies to Clinton Kelly, who is a class act and would never say "I wanna sex you up" to a chick at a bar ... for a variety of reasons)

Gents, just remember: if your quarry is straight women, dress like a straight man. Dressing like a gay man won't really get you where you want to be, if you know what I mean.

Men Who Reject Any Confrontation

Men Who Drink Girly Drinks With Little Pink Umbrellas

When done ironically or sparingly and with full knowledge that it is girly, this can be cute.

When done all the time ... no. Just no.

Welp, I guess every rule has its exceptions. Carry on, Jean Claude. Carry on.

And men, get your shit together. Seriously. Or when the zombies come, you'll be the first to go. And I will laugh and laugh and laugh.

Aw, now you done pissed off Michelle Rodriguez. Better start running.

Monday, September 24, 2012

I'm so overly organized it's stupid.

Look, there is nothing wrong with being a little bit neurotic, as long as 1) that neurosis is mostly kept to oneself, and 2) others benefit from this neurosis.

When it comes to planning things, I am admittedly neurotic. Especially so when it comes to planning our cross-country drive, which begins on Monday.

Now, I've driven cross-country without a real plan before. It worked out fine -- you drive for a while til you're hungry, stop for lunch, drive for another while til you're hungry again, eat dinner, then drive a couple more hours til you're tired and find a freeway motel to crash at. Few days of this and eventually you arrive at your destination none the worse for wear.

The problem this time is that we are going to be driving a big-ass truck with a big-ass trailer attached to the back. And this, my friends, changes everything. Here are some of the things that are different:

Driving on the Freeway

In a car:

In a massive truck:

Moments later:
I would obviously survive the crash at least long enough to be a dick about it.

Stopping for Food

In a car:

In a massive truck:

On the news that night:

Quick Pee-pee Pit Stop

In a car:

In a massive truck:
It is notoriously difficult for women to pee into bottles. I'm willing to give it the ol' college try, though.

Stopping for the Night

In a car:

In a massive truck:
Not that that will save me from being ritually disemboweled by an insane drifter.

So, I've planned out the entire trip. Literally the entire trip. I can tell you where we'll be eating lunch every day from Monday til Sunday. I can tell you where we'll be staying the night and eating dinner. I can tell you what time we're going to arrive in each city, probably accurate to within 20 minutes.

I made a 13-page packet with all these details, including written driving directions complete with little maps to show the entire drive AND a zoomed-in shot of the final turns once we're off the freeway. Each page of the packet represents one stretch of driving -- either morning til lunch, or lunch til night.

It is sick. It's a sickness. But I can't help it -- I feel so much less stressed now that this trip is planned so well.

And you all know what this means (if you read the post about our ill-fated trip to the W Hotel in New York City):



Puyallup, Washington, here we come!!!

Assuming we make it, that is ...

Friday, September 21, 2012

The few things I WILL miss about DC

Okay, okay, there are a few things about this city that aren't so bad I guess. I might even miss them. Here is a list of things I will actually miss about this place:

Running to Work

With a little help from the Metro, I am able to run to work in the morning whenever I want. It's a great way to get five miles in without burning up a bunch of time, and let's face it: the run is gorgeous. Here are a few of the sights I get to pass as I jog:

I get to watch planes take off and land from National Airport as the sun rises behind the Capitol across the river.

The Jefferson Memorial looks lovely from the 14th Street Bridge !

Why, is that the Washington Monument that I stop at for a sip of water?

The last mile is straight down the Mall, heading towards the Capitol.

I will definitely miss these spectacular views.

It's okay though; when we get to our neighborhood on the west coast I'll get to run past things like this:

So, y'know, it's not a total loss.

Righteous Shoving

There's no better way to exorcise a little rage than with some good old-fashioned shoving. And there's no better place to get your shoving done than in the Metro.

Tourist stops suddenly right in front of you? Barrel into 'em and don't apologize! Dumbass stops right at the top of the escalator to pull out the handle on their rolling suitcase? Kick over the suitcase and make it seem like it was their fault! Sure it's petty, but it really does make me feel good.

In Seattle, everyone is too nice to want to shove. I'm going to have to get a punching bag or something.


DC hashing is the best. You've all been such great friends and we're going to miss the shit out of you!

Murphy's Irish Pub in Old Town

I sing Irish tunes better when I'm drunk! Everyone agrees!!!

The Cheap Sketchy Liquor Store Near My Office

Ah, what a beautiful sight. Everything there is so cheap! And they sell Everclear -- in HANDLES! For only $28.99, you could easily kill a small horse. What a wonderful establishment.

There's just one thing you have to watch out for ...

Derrr, maybe I won't miss it so much after all.

Catch you on the flip side, DC!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

I am a morning person

... but my husband is NOT.

I feel like the morning is the best time to accomplish things. I like to creep around when no one else is awake and do chores like a little house gnome. Plus, if you do it first thing in the morning, then you don't have to spend all day thinking about how you need to do it later. For example, today I've already cleaned the kitchen, run five miles, and completed a project at work. So now I can sit here all leisurely-like, writing this blog instead of giving myself a headache thinking about how much shit I have to do later. YOU SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME!

But, living with a non-morning person has its downsides. Here is how a typical morning goes in our apartment:

5:30AM: My alarm goes off. I like to snooze it once, just for five minutes, and then read whatever emails have come through during the night. This wakes me up enough to actually get out of bed.

Next, I head into the kitchen to fire up the coffee maker. As soon as he's chugging away, I get to work on the dishes in the sink. Our standard operating procedure at home is to put the previous night's cooking pots into the sink and fill them with soap and water to soak. That way, I can clean then in two seconds the next morning instead of taking ten minutes to do it the night before while the food is still all stuck on there.

Then it's time to start getting ready for work. Luckily for Jesse, I shower in the other bathroom on the far side of the apartment, so I can make as much noise as I want while washing my hair. As you can imagine, I take full advantage.

Then I creep into the master bathroom to brush my teeth and take my morning birth control pill. After all, we may be married now but there's still a lot of beers I want to try before getting myself knocked up. So I take a quick sip of water and swallow the little fella down.

For my finale, I have to change into my work clothes. The dresser is right by the bed, so I make sure to open my drawers as quietly as possible.

Phew, I think I was quiet enough. Now to just put the pants on ...

I always wondered how it could be that couples find themselves sleeping in separate bedrooms. I think I'm starting to understand.

Aww, I love him though. And don't get me started on those days when he gets up before me and sits on the edge of the bed to put on his boots. It's like trying to sleep through a bloody earthquake.


I swear he does it on purpose. I swear it.