Blog Archive

Monday, December 30, 2013

Things in movies that always piss me off

Audrey has been gassy all weekend (and if you're already a parent, then you know that having a gassy baby is pretty much the worst thing that can possibly happen to you. Why can't she just lie on her stomach and push out some farts? WHY CAN'T SHE JUST DO THAT?! I've learned to pump her legs up towards her chest in my sleep, at least, so that helps a little) so I don't really have much of a real post for you. Instead, here is a list of things that always happen in movies that bother me.

I try not to be the kind of person who is like "point of order: that explosion would have killed him, not merely tossed him through the air a few feet" or "point of order: he wouldn't be able to hear anything after firing that automatic weapon indoors" but there are some things that I just can't abide. Such as ...

Nobody ever says goodbye before hanging up the phone

The conversation is "over" as far as the plot is concerned, so the speaker just hangs up. But how was the other person supposed to know the conversation was over? It's not like it was obvious! I just imagine this sort of things happens:

Ten minutes later:

People always make dates with strangers and are like "see you at eight!" but they never exchange phone numbers or addresses

Okay, I know that audiences aren't keenly interested in watching people exchange contact info, but HOW THE F*** ARE YOU GOING TO PICK SOMEONE UP IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY LIVE.

This bothers me so routinely that I nearly applauded when in The Departed, Vera Farmiga's character gave Matt Damon's character her business card so that he could call her to arrange a date. Most other movies would have been all "hey total stranger that I flirted with in the elevator, I will come to your house later and pick you up for a date. Don't worry; I've been stalking you for months so of course I know where you live." 

Or maybe they were wearing spy glasses and so they have a picture of your face that they can run through the FBI database to find out your name. Many things are possible.

Maybe they just drive around knocking on every door until they find the right one!!

Yes. That must be it.

Necklaces can all be removed merely by pulling on them

Is someone wearing a necklace that you want to take from them? No problem -- just grab the front of it and give it one sharp tug, and it'll come right off. Because apparently all necklaces have quick-release safety clasps on the back.

It's one thing if it's some dainty little chain that might just break when pulled on -- I could understand that. But yesterday Jesse and I were watching Lone Ranger and someone managed to remove a LEATHER necklace by pulling on it. A leather necklace that clasped in the front.

Because apparently, one swift yank will tear through leather cords like they were made of tissue paper.


Someone please get them to stop doing this. Or at least, make sure it always results in an unintentional kiss. That would really make my day.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Gary Busey-Claus poking various things in the butthole

Holy moly it's almost Christmas! Here are some badly photoshopped pictures of Gary Busey-Claus poking things in the butthole. I don't think there's really any more explanation needed. It is what it is.

Ummm ... wow. This kind of got away from me.


Wednesday, December 18, 2013

I photoshopped my baby onto more stuff

Expect more regular blog posts to start up again soon ... I'm back to work, which means I'm back to having baby-free lunch breaks in which to write it! Woohoo!!!

But first I have like 1200 emails to get through.

Until then, please enjoy these pictures of my baby starring in shady TV commercials:

I don't know how you found the time.


 I feel uncomfortable talking about ED with a baby. Where did you say you went to med school again?

Also, I was singing that old favorite YMCA with the baby, and when we did the Y, her arms barely reached past her forehead. So then Jesse and I were thinking about how enormous an adult's head would have to be in order to achieve the same proportions. I mean, think about it -- put your arms up like the Y in YMCA and imagine that your head pretty much fills in all that space between your arms. Good lord; we'd be freaks!

I demonstrated it here with this picture of Tobey Maguire with a baby-sized noggin:

No wonder babies have trouble holding those things up. Good grief.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

How to take good pictures of your baby

Taking good pictures of a baby is challenging. They're not very photogenic, and the pictures almost never turn out properly.

But thankfully, I am here to teach you the ropes on how to take really good pictures of your baby. There are a few simple tricks that will simply revolutionize your photo-taking!

The simplest technique is called the Photoshop Distraction Technique. For this, you start with a relatively unflattering picture of your baby wearing a cute outfit:

Ugh, what a crappy picture, right? It's like, helloooo, the camera is over here, Audrey. Well, don't worry: we can fix this. The next step is to add in a prop or two to distract the viewer from the fact that your baby would rather look at her toys than at the camera. For this photo, I opted to add in an AR-15 rifle, since the baby is dressed like Rambo:

To finish up, I moved the baby to a more exciting background -- in this case, completing the Rambo look by placing her in a jungle setting:

If you really wanted to go the extra mile, though, you could add in some other stuff, like maybe a velociraptor lurking in the background:

I don't have or know how to use Photoshop so I work my magic in PowerPoint. It's a poor substitute. Shut up -- the velociraptor looks totally natural, like it was really there.

Voila! The Photoshop Distraction Technique.

Another good technique is to crop the photo strategically and add age-inappropriate speech bubbles. To demonstrate this technique, we will start with this adorable photo of me and Audrey where she is all decked out in her Christmas bests:

When you remove me from the picture, you notice that Audrey appears deeply depressed. Wow, way to look happy in your Christmas picture, kid. I wanted to send this to your great grandparents, but how can I do that when you look so completely miserable?? 

Audrey hates Christmas.

But, like I said, with a few good speech bubbles, we can take this picture from zero to hero in just a few minutes. Check it out:

See? Now THESE are some picture you can send the grandparents!

Other simple techniques to get good pictures include ...

-- Putting the camera really close to the baby's face:

Tummy Time is a great opportunity for this. 

-- Catching them while they're sleeping:

I'll save this one for her wedding.

-- Catching them while they're crying:

Catching them when they're doing whatever this is:

So there you go! I hope you're now ready to take some good pictures of babies! I know it's hard, but armed with these tips, you're sure to get the shot you've been dreaming of.