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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Gift ideas for the guy who has everything

I'm always on the lookout for good gift ideas.  Especially for Christmas presents for my dad, since he could be considered one of those "guys who has everything." I pay special attention to SkyMall magazine as a source of ideas for gifts no sane person would ever claim to need.  Except a soda maker -- obviously everyone should own their own soda maker. (sidenote: is it possible to carbonate milk? has anyone tried this? does anyone have a soda maker I could borrow, obviously for something OTHER than trying to carbonate milk? What about coffee? Could I put Irish Cream through there? Would it jam up if I put chocolate syrup through it?)

But whenever I see something labeled "a great gift for the guy who has everything!", it is invariably a completely useless pile of garbage wrapped in a big WTF bow.

That's why I am going to start a company called "For the guy who has everything" and it is only going to sell PERFECTLY USEFUL items that most people wouldn't think of.

For example, a razor with built-in GPS. Why would anyone need one of those? PLANE CRASH, HELLOOOOOOO?!

Or perhaps a vibrating hat. I don't know, it might feel neat. Not recommended for curing hangovers.

An umbrella with a built-in cupholder would also be a lovely gift. Sometimes it's raining and I'm drinking a beer. That's both of my hands accounted for. If I need another hand for something, I'm not about to set down my umbrella and I'm CERTAINLY not about to set down my beer. A cupholder could solve all these problems!!!

You'd better believe I've got other ideas too.

How about a frisbee that has speakers that play Top 40 hits?
The perfect gift for that guy who likes to play frisbee with his friends in really irritating places, like a crowded beach, or a grassy knoll on a college campus where people are trying to study. You know how it is to be that person trying to read a book, but living in fear that the frisbee players will make a bad throw that will nail you right in the face? Well, with my newest invention, "Call Me Maybe" or "I'm Sexy and I Know It" will be your watch-your-face early warning system! (It does nothing to reduce the annoyingness of the frisbee players, but it certainly adds a layer of safety.)

Or how about this scenario:
Ever been drinking wine at a picnic or an outdoor concert or something taking place on grass? And you brought your wine glass because you wanted everyone to think you were classy? And then you set down your wine glass for a second, thinking the ground was pretty level, but IT WASN'T LEVEL and your wine glass FELL OVER?

Well, this has never happened to me, because I drink my public wine out of a travel mug like a normal person. But, I have seen it happen, and I've seen the emotional strain it caused. So I'm going to invent some kind of gyroscope wine glass -- one that can adjust for the slope of the ground so it doesn't just fall over at the first sign of trouble.

Also, someone needs to invent a wine glass that can fit into the cup holder I'm duct-taping to my umbrella. Y'know, for when I forget my travel mug.


Just think of the joy these inventions could bring to the lives of people who've gotten nothing but gift cards from unimaginative loved ones for years! What ideas have I missed?

(and if you're going to suggest an alarm clock that wakes you up by playing really loud farts, don't bother -- I already thought of it)

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