But dear readers, I did just that. With the final Twilight movie on its way to theaters soon; with Kristen Stewart disgraced after cheating on the costar she was apparently dating (who knew?!); with the tidal wave of Twilight trash finally preparing to recede … here, ladies and gents, is everything I know about the franchise. Most of it is gleaned from watching the Twilight parody film "Vampires Suck" (which I didn’t understand or find funny at all, having never seen the real films), augmented by a few movie trailers, overheard conversations, and four and a half minutes spent watching the first film. Prepare to be amazed.
Twilight stars Kristen Stewart as an annoying high school student who bites her lip a lot and has to think for a really long time before saying anything. (Seriously, watch how long she spends trying to remember her lines before she actually spits them out). She moves to a tiny town in the Pacific Northwest to live with her father, maybe because her mother was eaten by bears.
Despite her constant bitch-face and overwhelmingly irritating personality, Kristen Stewart, or “Bella,” is pursued by the two most attractive boys at the school – played by Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner. Totally by coincidence, Robert Pattinson, or “Edward,” is a vampire while Taylor Lautner, or “Jim,” is a werewolf. Hopefully the movie offers some explanation as to why there is such a high concentration of supernatural creatures in this tiny town, and why they are so into mousy, cloying girls who always make this face:
Anyway, so Bella totally falls for Edward because she is hopelessly attracted to metrosexuals. Lucky for her, despite his outward appearance, Edward is actually straight. They date for a while, even though he is a vampire and she is a human so he should just want to kill her and be done with it. I would support him in this.
Eventually, Edward comes to his senses and realizes how annoying Bella is, so he leaves town and she is distraught. She deals with her feelings by being all self-destructive and by letting Jim the werewolf touch her boobs and stuff.
Then some random other vampires come to kill her. And either Jim the werewolf, Edward, or some combination thereof saves her.
Then some other shit happens and Edward thinks Bella is dead, so he decides the best way to deal with that trauma is to show his junk to everyone at school. Luckily, Bella arrives to stop him just in time.
Then there’s some sort of war between the werewolves and the vampires and of course Bella is in the middle of it because of the time she let Jim touch her boobs.
Then that all gets resolved (thank GOD, right?!), so Bella and Edward get married.
God, what a beautiful bride!
And then they have a hideous mutant baby.
And then at some point Bella becomes a vampire?
And that, my friends, is the story of Twilight.
I’ll see you in line outside the theater for the newest installment!
Uh oh … we might have to fight.