But dear readers, I did just that. With the final
Twilight movie on its way to theaters soon; with Kristen Stewart disgraced
after cheating on the costar she was apparently dating (who knew?!); with the
tidal wave of Twilight trash finally preparing to recede … here, ladies and
gents, is everything I know about the franchise. Most of it is gleaned from
watching the Twilight parody film "Vampires Suck" (which I didn’t understand or find funny at
all, having never seen the real films), augmented by a few movie trailers, overheard conversations, and four and
a half minutes spent watching the first film. Prepare to be amazed.
Twilight stars Kristen Stewart as an annoying high school
student who bites her lip a lot and has to think for a really long time before saying anything. (Seriously, watch how long she spends trying to remember her lines before she
actually spits them out). She moves to a tiny town in the Pacific
Northwest to live with her father, maybe because her mother was eaten by bears.
Despite her constant bitch-face and overwhelmingly
irritating personality, Kristen Stewart, or “Bella,” is pursued by the two most
attractive boys at the school – played by Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner.
Totally by coincidence, Robert Pattinson, or “Edward,” is a vampire while
Taylor Lautner, or “Jim,” is a werewolf. Hopefully the
movie offers some explanation as to why there is such a high concentration of
supernatural creatures in this tiny town, and why they are so into mousy,
cloying girls who always make this face:
Anyway, so Bella totally falls for Edward because she is
hopelessly attracted to metrosexuals. Lucky for her, despite his outward
appearance, Edward is actually straight. They date for a while, even though he
is a vampire and she is a human so he should just want to kill her and be done
with it. I would support him in this.
Eventually, Edward comes to his senses and realizes how
annoying Bella is, so he leaves town and she is distraught. She deals with her
feelings by being all self-destructive and by letting Jim the werewolf touch
her boobs and stuff.
Then some random other vampires come to kill her. And
either Jim the werewolf, Edward, or some combination thereof saves her.
Then some other shit happens and Edward thinks Bella is
dead, so he decides the best way to deal with that trauma is to show his junk to
everyone at school. Luckily, Bella arrives to stop him just in time.
Then there’s some sort of war between the werewolves and
the vampires and of course Bella is in the middle of it because of the time she
let Jim touch her boobs.
Then that all gets resolved (thank GOD, right?!), so
Bella and Edward get married.
And then they have a hideous mutant baby.
And then at some point Bella becomes a vampire?
And that, my friends, is the story of Twilight.
I’ll see you in line outside the theater for the newest installment!
Uh oh … we might have to fight.
So I was reading over it one last time to check the formatting, and realized that in the wedding picture it looks like Bella is strangling Edward with her giant insect arms (it's supposed to be the two of them holding hands in the middle).
ReplyDeleteTurns out this mascara isn't as waterproof as it claims. Y'all, I am laughing REALLY hard.
The highlight of my day was reading "Jim" and laughing out loud at work.
ReplyDeleteJim is a way better name...
Partial credit for getting the first letter right? :-)
DeleteArf arf!
Now that is funny. i love your stick figger of her with her massive incisors. or front two buckies...F jacob.
ReplyDeletenow don't you find Vampires suck a little funnier now that you are in the know?
b.s.