Blog Archive

Friday, November 2, 2012

“Emergencies” that will never happen

This conversation has occurred in your life:

“Hey, what do you have this ______ in your bag/purse/car for?”
“Oh, I just figured I would bring it along, y’know, just in case.”
And then you think about it.
And you realize that whatever _____ is, it’s probably among the most useless items ever dreamed up by man.
What in all fuck could possibly happen in the world that would suddenly necessitate the use of the item in question? What kind of emergency would that be?
Well, here is a list of possible “emergencies” that I – and probably you – have prepared for recently:

An Emergency Requiring a Spare Halloween Costume

“Alright, so I’m going to wear the Godzilla costume to the party, but I’m also bringing along this Spiderman suit just in case.”

Just in case of what?!?!?
Scenario 1: In case you poop yourself

Scenario 2: In case someone shows up in street clothes

Scenario 3: In case of fire


An Emergency Requiring a Spare Halloween Mask
(this is in addition to the spare costume already mentioned)

“Okay, so I’ve got the Godzilla costume on, and the Spiderman costume in the car. I’m just going to toss this Winston Churchill mask in the bag too … just in case.”

Just in case of what?!!
Scenario 1: In case your ex shows up to the party

Scenario 2: In case you commit a felony and need a quick disguise

Scenario 3: In case of fire


An Emergency Requiring a Cooler of Beer

“I know we’re bringing along these two handles of booze to the party, but I’m packing us a cooler of beer to keep in the car just in case.”
(yes, we frequently have an iced cooler of beer in the trunk, on hand for “emergencies”)

Scenario 1: In case you show up embarassingly early

Scenario 2: In case you have to barter for your freedom

Scenario 3: In case of fire


An Emergency Requiring a Spare Outfit for a Formal Event

Ladies, you know you’ve done this. You’re packing for a formal event, like maybe a wedding … and you find yourself bringing along a second dress. And a second pair of shoes. But why? Haven’t you already decided that the FIRST dress and shoes combo will be perfect for the event?
Obviously, you’re bringing it along just in case.

Scenario 1: In case you unexpectedly poop yourself while doing your makeup

Scenario 2: In case you're the only one that brought a long dress


Scenario 3: In case of fire


So come on, tell me – what precautions have you taken lately in case of fire or pooping yourself? What have you brought along somewhere “just in case” even though there was a near zero percent chance of you needing it?
For the record, the spare cooler of beer has saved us many a time.
And next year, I'm going as Winston-zilla for Halloween.


  1. So I just discovered your blog on Weddingbee and I must say I find it hilarious. Love your snark. And your paint drawings. Especially the class-tastic paint drawings :D

    (And that was legitimate complimenting by the way, just in case you doubted thanks to my use of the word class-tastic).

    1. Thanks! I knew you weren't being sarcastic, because NOBODY could make fun of my killer Paint pics ;-)

      Stick figures for the win!!!!