If I were a ghost ...

I bitched about how lame our ghost is. And then a friend commented that the ghost in her house is pretty damned lame too. And then I watch that Ghost Hunter show, and ya know what? THOSE GHOSTS ARE THE LAMEST OF ALL.

I mean seriously; most of the “hauntings” they investigate are ghosts that supposedly show up in the men’s room, or ghosts that stand on the edge of the dance floor looking on disapprovingly.

This ghost sucks so much it hurts my heart.

At least these ghosts are snarky.

What the eff, ghosts. Up your game a little bit.

Here are a few of the awesome things I would do if I were a ghost (assuming ghosts follow the same rules as haunted house employees – you can scare people and you can move inanimate objects, but you can’t actually touch the people themselves):

1

Spell out completely random sh*t in Ouija

Imagine the fun a ghost could have with a couple of idiots and a Ouija board. I’d start with things like “YOU MUST DIET” because you know they’d be freaking out right up until that last T popped up (and I’d make sure to wait a good minute before moving it there), and then they’d be offended because seriously, ghost, everyone knows it’s rude to bring up other people’s weight problems.

Then maybe I’d send something like “BE SURE TO DRINK YOUR OVALTINE.” And if they don’t get the joke, then I’ll start breaking glasses and smashing chairs and stuff like that, because A Christmas Story is a great movie and how can these idiots not have seen it??

Then I’d wait til one of them went to the bathroom (I’m picturing a couple of teenage girls here) and tell the other one that the first one is sleeping with her boyfriend. And then she’ll be all pissed off and confront her friend about it, because why would the ghost lie about that? Ummm, well, because the ghost is easily entertained, that’s why.

 

Then I’d finish up with some random nonsense, like “flaming fecal hat” or “f*cking shovelface.” That’d really throw them off. Then they’d finally realize that their ghost is a complete jerk and they’d put the Ouija board away.

2

Open the shower curtain while they’re showering

Can you imagine how scary that would be if you were showering and suddenly the curtain jerked open but there was nobody there?

Okay that’s too scary. I don’t like that one. Now I’m going to be thinking about that happening every time I shower. I hope I don’t give our ghost any ideas.

GHOST, DON’T DO THAT ONE. IT’S TOO SCARY. I'LL PEE MYSELF.

Though I guess if you're going to pee yourself from fear, the shower is truly the best place to do it.

2 again

Fast-forward through the boring parts of movies I don’t like.

 

Maybe they’ll eventually learn of my distaste for chick flicks and they’ll start watching movies that DON’T SUCK.

3

Load the Dishwasher all Jacked Up
 

Yeah! Solid ghosting by ME!

 

4

Catch the Medium’s Hair on Fire during a Séance

Mediums always seem to have big frizzy hair and séances always involve candles. I don’t think I’d be able to resist the urge on this one.

 

 

Don’t worry; I’m not a complete asshole of a ghost. I’d put it out with a fire extinguisher a second later.

 

5

Cook an Amazing Dinner for them Once a Month

(just to let them know I appreciate them for putting up with me and not calling an exorcist to make me go to Hell or wherever)

(and because I really am sorry about that whole incident with the Medium. It's just ... I mean ... she had SO MUCH HAIRSPRAY on! I didn't realize her hair would catch that quickly and burn so fast!)

 

So you see, I'd be the best ghost ever. But don't go killing me just to get my awesome haunting -- if you kill me I'll just stick to scary things like SUDDENLY YANKING THE SHOWER CURTAIN OPEN or WHIPPING THE BLANKETS OFF YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP.

 

Or LEAVING THE FRONT DOOR AJAR AND THEN SLAMMING IT WHILE YOU WATCH. STACKING UP ALL THE FURNITURE IN AN INSTANT. BREAKING ALL YOUR GLASSES ALL OVER THE FLOOR

 

Or ... WRITING IN BLOOD ON THE WALLS.

 

So ... yeah. You don't want that actual scary shit. Maybe mildly annoying ghosts are the way to go.

 

The dishwasher thing, though -- that might be going too far. I get seriously upset when people load the dishwasher all retarded-like.

 

THE DAMNED TUPPERWARES DON'T GO ON THE BOTTOM, JESSE. THAT'S STUPID.