Ah, Top Gun. Top Gun, Top Gun.
When Top Gun first came out, it was a sensation. Little boys everywhere were absolutely enthralled by it, and I have to wonder how many current military aviators pursued that career because of Top Gun.
But … have you seen it recently? Because HOLY SHIT.
IT IS F**KING RIDICULOUS.
Let’s take a little trip down memory lane and remember the highlights reel of this film, shall we?
Top Gun stars a young Tom Cruise as a dwarf-like Navy pilot with astonishing Daddy issues and a heinous unibrow (seriously – try to not notice it now that I’ve pointed it out). His code name is Maverick. The unibrow does not, unfortunately, have its own code name.
You can tell he's a pilot because of the flight suit.
Because his father died under mysterious circumstances when Maverick was very young, Mav now has serious issues with authority. Which, being in the military, is kind of a problem. But oddly enough, it actually isn’t that much of a problem at all. He repeatedly “buzzes the tower” in his jet – flies past the control tower at incredible speeds, nearly shattering the eardrums of anyone in there – which is as pointless as it is dangerous … but he never seems to get more than a slap on the hand for doing it.
Why, you ask? Because he’s SUCH AN AMAZING PILOT. So amazing, in fact, that after mysteriously engaging with some Russian jets in the middle of nowhere, he and his partner Goose are sent to an elite pilot school called Top Gun.
You can tell he's a good pilot because he was able to do an inverted dive face to face with another jet while giving the finger at the same time. I can barely drive down the highway and give the finger at the same time! I would apparently not make much of a pilot.
They arrive at Top Gun and meet their obvious rival, Iceman. Iceman is played by Val Kilmer, who was mysteriously born with a pack of Chiclets in his mouth instead of teeth.
I had a hard time drawing this because I just couldn't get the teeth big enough.
Thankfully, the Chiclets keep his breath fresh, because most of his interactions with Maverick involve their faces being close enough to kiss each other.
One night, all the boys get dolled up in their dress uniforms and head out to the bar. Maverick spots an attractive woman there, and decides to woo her with some of the cheesiest shit ever to happen in a movie: all the guys start serenading her by singing “You’ve Lost That Lovin Feeling" (which they have apparently been practicing for some time, since everyone knows every word).
I bet this shit happens allllllll the time.
How bad is this scene? It’s so bad that I have to leave the room when it’s on. I can’t stomach it. And I mean that literally – one time, some friends and I were watching Top Gun and as this scene reached its peak, a wave of nausea overcame me and I had to run for the bathroom.
Yep – the “lost that lovin feeling” scene was so bad I VOMITED BECAUSE OF IT. There are witnesses. That shit happened.
Anyway, now that all the important characters have been introduced, the movie pretty much carries on predictably. There are all the bathroom scenes (have you ever noticed how much of this movie takes place in bathrooms with men lounging around in towels? Jesse insists that in the REAL military, men don’t hang out in the bathroom half-naked with other men, but then again Jesse is in the Army and this is the Navy so who knows?) where Maverick and Iceman continue their rivalry.
And there are the scenes where Maverick rides his motorcycle without a helmet and continues his pursuit of the hot chick from the bar (who of course turns out to be an instructor at Top Gun. OF COURSE.).
It's cool, guys. He's an organ donor.
And then there are the only redeeming parts of this movie, which are the spectacular aerial scenes which featured actual military pilots doing some of the craziest shit ever caught on film.
See what I mean? Doesn't that look awesome!??
And of course, there’s the infamous volleyball scene, which serves absolutely no purpose except to make everyone watching the movie stare uncomfortably into their laps and maybe take a bathroom break. Seriously, it is just this bizarre, lengthy, latently homosexual scene thrown in for no reason whatsoever.
Nothing to see here, guys.
Haha, they made Goose wear a shirt! Poor Goose. No one wants to see that.
But then – something SHOCKING happens! I don’t want to spoil it, but it’s BAD and Maverick gets all sad and tries to quit but of course he doesn’t end up quitting and everything works out in the end with a random battle against some Russians (were we at war with them or something? Because I don't remember that). Highway to the Danger Zone, bitches!
As with The NeverEnding Story, I feel I must leave you with one line you can trot out at parties to convince everyone you’ve seen Top Gun (although if you haven’t, what the f**k, guys? Rent that bitch). At one point, soon after his and Goose’s arrival at Top Gun, Maverick requests permission to buzz the tower (it’s kind of his thing, y’know?). The response from the brass is “that’s a negative, Ghost Rider.” This is now my standard answer to any request I have no interest in agreeing to.
Shut up. I can watch that show if I want to.
Well, I'd say that about covers it! Top Gun: the movie that shot a short, unibrowed Tom Cruise into stardom.
And the movie that gave us this:
Haha, quoting Top Gun to turn down butt sex is both funny and ironic!