Blog Archive

Friday, January 25, 2013

Friday Poundings: GUYS I'M DEPRESSED

Are you sitting down right now? If not, you might want to because I have some shocking news. Some news that I already gave away in the title.

I am depressed.

I know, I know -- this comes as a real surprise. And trust me, I was as surprised as you! I thought I was happy and fulfilled, but I can't argue with this diagnosis because it's based in scientific fact. Here's what happened:

I was reading this article on Cracked about things you can tell just by looking at people. And one section of the article talked about how people hold babies. From this I learned that a vast majority of people hold babies with their left arm, regardless of which is their dominant hand.

I thought about this for a second and I was like, wait, what? People hold babies with their left arms? That's crazy. I hold babies in my right arm. See, as proof, here is a picture of me holding a baby in my right arm:

The baby's face has been replaced with this terrifying clown in order to protect her identity. And also, to scare the sh*t out of you all.

Haha in this one I gave myself a crazy clown face too! Aren't we having fun?? 
Oh wait, I forgot -- this post is about me being depressed. WE ARE NOT HAVING FUN.

And do you know what the article went on to say about holding babies with one's right arm? THAT IT IS LINKED TO DEPRESSION! They don't know why the two are linked; they just know that they are.

So naturally, I realized that this meant I am depressed. Or at least, PROBABLY depressed. But I didn't stop there -- I needed to find the truth. So I did some googling, and based on what I found, I no longer have any doubts about my mental state. I have lots of symptoms:

-- I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning. This has become especially pronounced ever since we got a down comforter for Christmas. Have there been any studies linking down comforters with depression??? THERE SHOULD BE.

-- I feel sad sometimes, particularly when something bad happens to someone I care about but sometimes even when something bad happens to someone in the TV.

-- I have difficulty concentrating -- especially when I'm really excited about something

-- I often have feelings of guilt, like when I do something bad and then lie about it

So now that I'm depressed, does anyone have any recommendations for music I can listen to that will let other people know I'm going through a rough time? None of the emo bands that were popular when I was a teenager are around anymore, and I really don't want to get stuck listening to the wrong depressed-person music. Then all the other depressed people will laugh at me and I'll fall into a deeper depression.

I've already shaved one side of my head, which I think is a step in the right direction.

Also, seriously, holding a baby in your right arm is a sign of depression? That is madness, I tell you. But I read it in Cracked. So it must be true.

And in closing, I just wanted to share this completely unrelated story: when I was at Georgetown, I had a work-study job in the Art Department answering the phones. One day, a lady called to complain about a play that was being put on by the school.

Well, I had absolutely no idea what this lady was talking about. She kept insisting that there was a play being put on at the University that was "NOT of a subject matter appropriate for a CATHOLIC university, thankyouverymuch!" I tried to think of all the plays that were going on on campus at that time but I couldn't think of what she could be objecting to -- and she wouldn't tell me the name. She just ranted and she raved about how she didn't feel comfortable sending her children to a school that would endorse such "smut" and that her good, Christian offspring had no business being exposed to such foul, dirty language -- and right there in the TITLE of the play, no less!

At this point I REALLY had no idea what she was talking about. A play with bad language in the title? Surely I would have heard of that. Finally she tried to spell the name of the play -- it being far too dirty for her to say aloud. But I couldn't hear her very well so I still had no idea what she was trying to spell. Anxious to get off the phone with this nutjob, I assured her that I would look into it and that I was certain the University would not endorse smut and that her children were getting the finest education possible. She eventually hung up.

For days I wondered what the hell this woman had been talking about. For dayyyyys. And then I saw a poster for a play being put on at the school and finally it all clicked. The play whose name was so dirty that this good Christian woman couldn't say it out loud?


So, in case you were wondering if people that crazy really exist: they do.

I really don't think I'm depressed, though. Honestly, a depressed person would never use so much color in a drawing.


  1. Never eating pasta salad again...


    1. I mean, he didn't NECESSARILY do anything to it. It just ... seems pretty suspicious.

      Also, drawing clowns is my favorite new pastime. Feeling down? Draw a murder-clown. Feeling lonely? Murder-clown. Wish it was lunchtime already? MURDER-CLOWN.