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Wednesday, January 2, 2013

How to decorate a bathroom

Decorating a bathroom is a tricky business. You know you need to put something up on the walls so it doesn't look all depressing and bare ... but you don't want to 1) waste any good art in there; 2) put any pictures of people up in there so it feels like they're watching you; or 3) put anything up that becomes unintentionally ironic when you're having a tough poop.

So our bathrooms are decorated as follows: the upstairs guest bathroom has two old propaganda posters in it that look like this:

This one is up behind the toilet so the boys can stare at it while they pee. The idea of them looking at the poster, then at their wee-wee, then back at the poster, really amuses me.
This one is up in front of the toilet so that men and women alike can feel unsafe in my bathroom.

I find these both to be excellent bathroom decorations, though they clearly break rule 2 because they make you feel really uncomfortable.

The master bathroom has nothing but some dumb little mirror up, which is depressing and bare. Eventually I'll get around to putting up some more low-quality wall art in there.

As for the downstairs bathroom -- aka the one most frequently used -- we have some lovely new art up in there. Mom got it for us for Christmas, intending it for that room. It is four little 5x5 inch canvas paintings that have these cute little sayings on them.

Problem is, Mom didn't read what they said before buying them. She just looked at them, thought "oh, aren't these cute!" and bought them.

The little canvases clearly violate rule 3 by being absolutely hilarious when you read them while pooping. It's sort of like how you're supposed to add "in bed" to the end of any fortune you get out of a fortune cookie ... but now you add "while pooping" to the cute inspirational sayings in the potty. And you end up with thoughts like this:

That would be absolutely awful. I don't know why any sane person would do it.
This one wins for being both incredibly creepy and patently false. Unless Nelson Mandela comes over to drop a quick deuce, I can pretty much guarantee that nobody using that bathroom has a story that matters. And lord knows nobody wants to hear you tell it between grunts of effort.

Don't take no shit from your shit.

I always try but I never succeed :-(

That's just great advice.
Sigh. Maybe I should just buy more syphilis posters.


  1. The Big Brother one is incredibly creepy. However, I do believe you should put Miley Cyrus back up. The stuff she "said" was quite amusing. Almost like reading the walls of a public loo.

  2. I hope they don't institute a toilet tax

  3. I can't believe I hadn't thought of this before! Mwahahahaa.
    I will definitely be posting some things at work now :-)

    (PS - came via weddingbee)

    1. Haha I think all of these are totally work-appropriate. They're at least as appropriate as my enormous "Coffee makes me poop" mug, which never gets less funny ever.