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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Terrible Movie Reviews: RED DAWN

Have you seen the original Red Dawn?

If not, the only question I have for you is this: WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA SO MUCH YOU STUPID AWFUL COMMUNIST.

It's the kind of question that needs to be in all caps and punctuated with a period instead of a question mark -- because the fact that you are an America-hating Communist isn't even up for debate.

However, I'm willing to give you a break just this once, because it turns out that Red Dawn is a steaming pile of horse-manure that defies all explanation and is absolutely impossible to take seriously. I saw this movie (well, most of it) for the first time about a year ago, and holy sweet baby Jesus, the whole thing is a joke, right? It has to be. From here on out, I am going to assume that it is, just so I can keep on living.

Red Dawn stars Patrick Swayze and a bunch of ill-equipped American high school students who bravely repulse a Soviet invasion of their small Colorado town, using savage guerrilla warfare tactics while screaming and spray-painting "Wolverines" everywhere they go (because apparently having pride in your high school athletics program is the only thing that will carry you through when your nation is under attack. There is literally nothing else that will bind people together as effectively as that.)

Errrh ... wait a second. I might have that wrong.

So this ragtag band of idiots is doing whatever it is that idiots do one day when --SUDDENLY-- a bunch of Soviet paratroopers start jumping out of planes and descending on their town, indiscriminately murdering people. Realizing something dangerous is afoot, the young whippersnappers fill a pickup truck with camping supplies and take off into the wilderness to, I don't know, maybe just wait it out or something.

Now, if you have any brains at all, you may find yourself wondering just why in all hell the Soviets chose Bumfuck, Colorado to launch their invasion of the US. Why waste all that time, personnel and ammo invading a tiny town in the middle of the country where the US military could quickly surround them and kill them all, ending the entire movie within about fifteen minutes?

Standard military strategy: start at a border and work your way inwards

Red Dawn military strategy seems foolish at first. OR MAYBE THEY KNOW SOMETHING WE DON'T.

The only possible explanation is that the Soviets managed to launch a surprise invasion of EVERY CITY IN AMERICA AT THE EXACT SAME TIME!!! Now, I know this sounds like a complicated task, but it's totally possible, and here's how:

You see, according to Google, there are just under 20,000 incorporated cities in America, and at the time Red Dawn came out, we had a population of about 235 million people. At that same time, the Soviet Union had a population of just under 275 million. Based on the ratio of troops-to-civilians that it took to subdue the fictional town of Calumet, Colorado, I ran some numbers on the back of this Subway napkin and it seems like the Soviets could absolutely have invaded and taken over the entire United States with only, like, 50-60% of their total population helping out.

It looks like most of the invaders in Calumet were young men between the ages of 18-40, so I guess they sent all the children and old people to invade pushover cities like New York and Los Angeles -- you know, cities that don't have any pride in their local high school sports programs.

Once the Soviets murder their way to the top in Calumet, they proceed to put all the adult men into a gulag (because THAT'S WHAT SOVIETS DO). The ragtag band of idiot kids then sneaks back into town one day to see how things are going, and they quickly realize that yo, sh*t be WACK! Those Soviets are not very nice! So they do what any small-town high school students with absolutely no military training or experience with violence would do: they start blowing shit up and killing Soviets.

At a certain point, I simply could not watch this stupid crap anymore -- not even for the sake of my beloved readers. I can only assume that the movie ended with these Wolverines liberating all 20,000 American towns one by one, armed with nothing but a little cold-blooded ingenuity and a whole lot of pride in the local football team.

Go local sports team!!!

Garbage. Absolute garbage.

1 comment:

  1. Actually, most die and a few escape. The reason the attack didn't come from the coast was because it had been nuked. The Cubans did come up from the south border.