What is the big deal about Downton Abbey???

I haven't watched Downton Abbey. Several people have actually told me that I shouldn't watch it, because I'll hate it and make fun of it and make them feel silly for liking it. But I'd never let a little thing like never-having-watched-the-show get in the way of a good, solid mocking, would I? OF COURSE NOT!!!! And so without further ado, here is my take on Downton Abbey:

Downton Abbey is a British period drama set in the 1910-s-1920's (period drama like a drama set during a certain period. Not a drama about periods). 

Hahahaha period drama. NOBODY STEAL THIS IDEA.

According to Wikipedia, Downton holds a Guinness world record for being the most critically-acclaimed television show ever, as well as being one of the most-watched shows ever throughout the world. This is probably because Downton bravely takes on the tough problems everyone on earth can relate to -- things like finding an acceptable male heir to the title of Earl of Grantham, and marrying into enough money to pay for a house full of servants.

So true.

You see, problems started at Downton Abbey right from the get-go, when the estate was running into financial problems. The Earl of Grantham got through this by wisely marrying some rich American broad. The arrangement was mutually beneficial: he got to take all her money, while she got to brag about being a Countess. 

Your dream is the world's worst nightmare.

But as you can probably imagine, the Dowager Countess isn't the world's biggest fan of her new daughter-in-law, who, being an American nouveau-riche, is always a-hootin' and a-hollerin' and starring in reality shows and releasing sex tapes just to get attention.

As if the Countess weren't already bad enough with her hollerin' and her sex tapes, she also pissed everyone off and ruined everything by only giving birth to girls.

Girls are just the WORST.

Oh, and then when they finally had some male heirs sorted out and everything was going to be okay, the goddamned Titanic sank and killed them all, so they were back to square one.

It's like they forgot they were rich or something.

WHAT A F**KING NAIL-BITER, AM I RIGHT?!?!

Yes, yes, the folks at Downton had a lot of strife to deal with. Other troubles they faced included things like:

Should I boff the help, or should I not boff the help?

How can I prevent this annoying War to End All Wars from affecting my life in any way?

Ugh, my stupid family members keep marrying down! Why can't they just marry the aristocracy for god's sake?!

Literally marrying down. Haha because he's tall, get it? GET IT?!?!?

Yeah, I was struggling on this one.

Which of these cousins should marry each other?

Does anyone care? I mean, does ANYONE care?

Ugh, get these wounded soldiers out of my mansion.

YOU TELL HER, CORA.

Should I marry the man I love, even if it means I'll only be kinda rich from here on out?

The old "I'll tell you I don't want your money so you let me do what I want and still give me a pretty good amount of money" routine. Daughters have been manipulating their fathers with that one for generations.

By the way, Dad, I DON'T NEED YOUR MONEY TO FOLLOW MY DREAMS AND GO TO CLOWN SCHOOL. IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT MONEY, YOU KNOW. But seriously, clown school is kind of expensive, so maybe you can just pay half? Or are my dreams worth nothing to you???

So there you have it. Downton Abbey. Take "Keeping Up with the Kardashians," set it in the early 20th century, cast Maggie Smith as Kris Jenner, and presto, you've got the most critically acclaimed show EVER.

I can't believe I've been missing it.



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