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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Foods that turn me into a two-year-old

This weekend was my Dad's birthday, so the family all got together for dinner and I volunteered to make Shepherd's Pie for everyone. Because it was St. Patrick's Day, and because my Dad always used to love Shepherd's Pie when we were little so I thought it might be some nice nostalgia. Plus I'd never cooked it before, so I thought it would be a fun challenge.

Well, it turned out absolutely delicious and was a big hit, except for a few complaints -- namely, that I'd left out a few key ingredients. Well, duh you idiots -- there's a reason I always hated eating Shepherd's Pie when we were kids and kind of hated my Dad for liking it so much and causing it to be a regular menu item in our home. And there's a reason I swiftly volunteered to cook this year instead of foisting it off on my brother as per usual. That reason was simple:


Peas are awful and they taste gross and they ruin everything they touch. They are little green balls of poison foulness and even now, as a 27-year-old vegetable-loving adult, I refuse to eat them ever for any reason. (Please note that this hatred for actual peas does nothing to affect my extreme love for split pea soup, however. Split pea soup is the bomb)

Peas turn me into a two-year-old child, throwing tantrums and forfeiting any chance at dessert by stubbornly refusing to eat them. But they aren't the only food on my refuse-to-eat-that list. Here are a few other foods that I would consider eating dog food before I touched:


I have tried pretty much every popular kind of mushroom, from button mushrooms to shittake mushrooms to those stringy ones they use in Asian food to fancy chicken-tasting ones my friend found outside (he's an actual legit mushroom expert so we weren't in danger of dying or tripping balls or anything). I have hated them all.

I dislike everything about mushrooms. I hate the taste of them -- that means when they're ground up or turned into soup, I still hate them. I hate the texture of them -- that means when they're hidden in something like spaghetti sauce and I get one in my mouth, my face screws up and I carefully spit the mushroom out. 

I passionately, violently hate mushrooms to the point where all decorum goes out the window. One time, I was at a work function and bit into a little doughy tart thing thinking it would be filled with meat or cheese. When I discovered that it was full of mushrooms, I grabbed a napkin and SPIT THE OFFENDING APPETIZER OUT rather than just choke it down. I reiterate -- this happened at a work function. I was wearing a business suit as I spit half-chewed mushroom fragments into a napkin.

When I was a kid, my mom used to always put mushrooms into spaghetti sauce because everyone else in the family liked them and she and Dad LOVED them. I would carefully, patiently sit there and sort through my sauce until I had removed every single mushroom fragment before I would start eating it. Sometimes, it would take me so long to do this that everyone else would be done eating before I even started. After a few instances of this, she finally learned that it was better to just pull out some sauce specifically for me before adding the mushrooms to the pot.

As an adult, I have carefully, patiently sat in the office cafeteria sorting through my vegetable soup until I have removed every single mushroom fragment before I start eating it. Sometimes, it takes me so long to do this that all my coworkers are done eating before I even start. 

I take a certain pride in this. I really don't like mushrooms, guys.


Olives are a little like mushrooms in that I hate every possible iteration of them. One time I ordered a taco salad bowl thing at a restaurant, specifically requesting no olives. When it arrived, it took me about half a bite to realize the waitress had not heeded my request.

I sent the salad back. I don't care if the cooks spit in the new one -- I'd rather eat the spit of a thousand underpaid Mexicans than eat one single olive.

Lima Beans

Why do these exist? Why do people serve them? Does anyone actually like them!?!?

When I was little, I thought I hated all beans. I didn't want chili unless it was of the no-beans variety. I avoided baked beans at barbecues like it was a vat of boiling witch's brew. And why? Because I knew I hated lima beans, and I figured all beans tasted just as awful.

They don't even LOOK appetizing. 

Mmm, yummy! Where can I get some! Do those come from inside a human body? Because they sure look like it!

At the work cafeteria in DC, the chef would sometimes serve a version of succotash whose main ingredients were lima beans and peas.

You can imagine how thrilled I was about that.

I also don't eat the skin on fried chicken, not because I'm watching my figure but because I honest-to-god don't like it. Skin is gross, y'all. IT'S SKIN FOR CHRISSAKES.

Then again, I may just be the Antichrist.


  1. I don't eat chicken skin either! At Thanksgiving my sisters all fight over the crispy turkey skin and I have to leave the room because it makes me gag.

    1. Blech. The worst is when someone makes barbecue chicken but they've left the skin on, so all the tasty barbecue sauce and grill flavor is entirely confined to the skin that I'm going to throw away. THANKS A BUNCH. I LOVE BLAND CHICKEN BREAST WITH NOTHING ON IT AT ALL. MMM.

  2. I refuse to eat peas! I had a bad experience when I was younger when peas grew wings and flew out of my mouth. That experience traumatized me for life. I am that person that will sit with my fried rice and pick around every single pea.

    Im the same with fish, mushrooms, and peppers. Actually, peppers I wont go too far out of my way to avoid, but I am not a fan of the flavor.

    Now olives are a favorite of mine. I just ate a tiny can of olives the other day as a snack and on my salad. MMMM LOL

    1. Ugh, I forgot about the peas that always come with fried rice. That's another dish I just make for myself so I don't have to deal with them. It doesn't help that they're always frozen peas, too, which are just soooo delicious >:-(

      A couple weeks ago I smashed my elbow into a hinge and so my mom gave me a bag of frozen peas to put on it. I almost refused the bag just on principle.

  3. I think I'm beginning to understand that phallic, keychain, medalion, thing your brother has after seeing your antichrist picture... Haha thanks for making me my own pie, it was bomb.