Blog Archive

Friday, June 21, 2013

Avoiding technological humiliation

Yay, it's Friday again! Boy, it always seems to be Friday, doesn't it? (no, it is only Friday one day per week, idiot.)

Technology is all around us, and sometimes we f**k it right up in a way that makes others laugh at us for a thousand years straight. We're talking about simple mistakes that could happen to the best of us -- you send a text to the wrong person; you accidentally hit Reply All for your sarcastic and arguably anti-Semitic comeback to a group email; you butt-dial a guy you met at a bar three years ago but forgot to remove from your phone's memory ... the possibilities are endless. But there are things you can do to help avoid this humiliation. Read and learn!


Avoiding Awkward Butt-Dials

The other day, Jesse sat on my phone on the couch and caused it to butt-dial someone, because this is the sort of thing that happens in our house and nobody should be remotely surprised by this.

The problem is, the person it butt-dialed was kind of embarrassing -- it was someone I haven't spoken to in aaaaages after I had a falling-out with his girlfriend (which was TOTALLY HER FAULT obvs I am a f**king gem of a wonderful human). In other words, it was not a harmless butt-dial; it was a total flaming-red-face-of-embarrassment butt-dial. Thankfully, the guy didn't answer the phone or call back or anything, and maybe he doesn't even have my number in his phone anymore so he had no idea who it was ... many things are possible. 

Either way, after this close call, I decided it was time to clear out my phone book so that the next time Jesse sits on my phone and calls someone (WE ALL KNOW THIS WON'T BE THE LAST TIME), it at least won't be someone mortifying.


-- Anyone you used to date. Ever.
This would make for the most awkward butt-dial of all time. What if the person desperately wants you back and thinks you're actually calling them to catch up? What if they answer the call? What if they want to talk to you about how you're doing and where your life has gone since you broke up?

Ugh, that was so awkward I got a heart attack diarrhea just from reading it.

Avoid this by just deleting all former flings from your phone. If you REALLY need to contact them again for some reason, you can always send a Facebook message.

Jesus, at least add a photo of a frowning face or something. Don't be a complete asshole about it.

-- Anyone you exchanged numbers with while you were drunk
Jesse and I always loved to get drunk at bars and make friends with strangers. Sometimes, if we were just the right amount of drunk, we would exchange numbers with the strangers, insisting that we'd tooootally text each other next time we went to that same bar so that we could hang out again. Of course, we never did.

But then I would just forget about the whole incident and the numbers of these complete strangers would stay in my phone. I can only assume that they also forgot about the whole thing and left my number in their phone too. And so that particular butt-dial would be really hard to explain.

Ha ha, you saved someone in your phone as "Drunk Bar Slut." You big ol' joker.

Any number/name that doesn't immediately mean something to you, delete. It's for the best.

-- Salesmen, spammers, or anyone else whose number you only saved so you knew not to answer whenever they called
Oh come on, you've done this -- you've saved a number in your phone not because you wanted to be able to contact that person, but because you wanted to make sure you knew not to answer whenever they called you. Most of the numbers stored in my work cell phone fall into this category. This is because nobody loves me, and the only calls I get at work are from a collection agency looking for a girl named Shelby, and from the Center for Disease Control demanding a take a survey of some variety. Comcast used to call, but they don't anymore. Whatever, Comcast. WHAT-THE-F**K-EVER.

Keep these numbers active for only as long as needed. As soon as you fall off their list or once the restraining order goes through, delete them. Otherwise, they are worse than calling ex-boyfriends by accident. MUCH WORSE.

You f**king dumbass. Now he's going to start calling you twice a day to offer you heart attack diarrhea insurance. Time to change your phone number.

Once you've got your contacts list cleaned out, hop on over to your Call Log and do the same. My phone's favorite means of butt-dialing is to call whoever called me most recently. It's almost never someone I'm willing to communicate with.

Then, all you can do is lock your keypad and hope for the best. And by "the best," I mean "hope your husband doesn't sit his blind ass down directly on your phone because he 'didn't see it' -- because he doesn't look where he puts his blind ass. He just puts it down anywhere."


Making fun of someone you're currently talking to

Yeah yeah yeah it's mean to make fun of people and it's especially mean to do it behind their backs. Blah blah blah, lecture lecture lecture, f**k you I don't care. I like to make fun of people who are stupid. It's much better that I do it behind their backs than to their faces.

The magic of technology, of course, is that you can simultaneously chat with an idiot AND make fun of that idiot to someone else! What a world!!!! Just imagine what our KIDS will be able to do!!!


Of course, this can be very dangerous. Mostly because if you screw up, you end up sending something like "if this bitch were any dumber, she'd be wearing a f**king foil helmet to Walmart, I swear" to the girl who just told you she's not too sure about 9/11 because have you SEEN that Loose Change video? And she just might figure out that you're making fun of her. And she'll be mad, which means she won't want to be friends with you anymore, which means you won't get to laugh at her stupidity anymore and you'll be stuck making fun of ugly children and the disabled (which we can all agree is just awful).

Clearly, it's critical that your friendship with this person be maintained, for the entertainment of all.

So, here's what you can do to avoid accidental mis-texting:
-- Consider changing the person's name in your phone, at least temporarily.
If you're texting a guy named Jose to make fun of a girl named Josie, you are setting yourself up for failure. Those names are just too similar. You will almost DEFINITELY text the wrong thing to the wrong person at some point. Instead, consider changing the moron's name to "GAPING DUMBASS". It will be harder to confuse Jose with GAPING DUMBASS.

The one on the left is ASKING for trouble.

-- Double-check that "to" line every time. EVERY TIME. Do NOT get lazy about this.
Hell, triple-check it. Especially if it's a real zinger, or a picture of your weiner. Better safe than sorry.

And if you ever look over my shoulder and notice that your number is stored in my phone under "GAPING DUMBASS," don't you worry about it. It's just a glitch. Promise.

I just know a lot of people with that name. It's a coincidence.


Accidentally sharing things to Facebook that WERE NOT FOR FACEBOOK

Some people set up their computers/phones so that the window where they type in a new Facebook status is right next to the window where they type in a Google search. The result is that they're simply daring themselves to accidentally set their Facebook status to "fat Asian pregnant anal small penis" or "how to treat pubic lice."

Oh come on, like you haven't wondered.

My first advice to you is DO NOT SET YOUR SHIT UP THIS WAY. No, I'm serious. DO NOT SET YOUR SHIT UP THIS WAY. I don't know or care what you have to do to change this. Maybe you have to use a different web browser or uninstall the Facebook app or have one computer that's for Facebook and another that's for Googling stuff. Do what you need to do. 

"Oh, but that sounds like such an inconvenience!" you whine. And hey, you're right. But you know what's even more inconvenient? Setting your Facebook status -- that your boss and your girlfriend and your grandma can all see -- to "free video of teenager blowing donkey".

Another common problem people have is that they set their phone up to automatically upload photos to Facebook. This sounds like a great way to inadvertently add photos of your teeny weeny to the World Wide Web. DO NOT SET YOUR SHIT UP THIS WAY EITHER.

And then we have the people who use Facebook as their "platform" for all other online activities. They are constantly logged in, and that logged-in status follows them all around the web. So while they're on watching some sweet free vids, one wrong click and everyone on their Facebook is greeted by a link inviting them to enjoy the video as well.

I avoid this by carefully setting my Facebook privacy settings to not allow any such shenanigans. To do this, go to Facebook and open your Privacy Settings. Click on "Apps" and then, on "Instant Personalization," uncheck the box.

Now you can happily watch all the videos you want of pregnant teenagers making love to various barnyard animals. Nobody on Facebook will know about it.

But God will know about it. You sick, sick f**k.

Accidentally clicking "Like" on a terrible, terrible status

This is especially easy to do on touchscreen phones. You try to scroll down to see more Grumpy Cat memes, and instead you click "like" on the status of some chick you met at a party three years ago whose father apparently just passed away after a long battle with leukemia.



There is nothing to be done about this except to immediately un-like the status and hope the person never notices or says anything. Hopefully they will realize it was a mistake.

Either that, or they will think that you are happy that their father has passed away, which is a pretty terrible thing to think.

Then again, they know what kind of videos you like to watch, with the tentacles and the incest and the whipping, so maybe you ARE the kind of person who "likes" it when people's fathers die.

You sick, sick f**k.

Hey, Old People -- "LOL" stands for "Laugh Out Loud." It does NOT stand for "Lots of Love"

You sick, sick f**k.

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