Mothers' Day and Fathers' Day

DUDE.

My parents got Jesse a Father-to-be card for Fathers' Day yesterday.

Did they get me a Mother-to-be card for Mothers' Day?

NOPE.

Granted, I was in Las Vegas for Mothers' Day so I didn't see my folks, and I didn't get my mom a card either, but I did send her a picture of me relaxing by the pool. Which is actually kind of the opposite of a nice card -- instead of thanking her for being a great mom, I just rubbed it in her face that I was enjoying a bright sunny day in Las Vegas. But you're missing the point.

The point is, what the hell kind of actual bullshit is going on here? I mean, let's compare scores here:

MY SUFFERINGS:
-- I cannot drink alcohol
-- I have gained 15 pounds. This is a lot of pounds.
-- I run very slowly and have to pee every 10-15 minutes when I do run. And then I'm sore for days afterwards in some very private regions of my body
-- I CANNOT DRINK ALCOHOL. NO REALLY I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH.
-- I can't get hot dogs from Costco whenever we go to Costco because I have to make sure any hot dogs I eat are fully heated through to kill all the hot dog germs, and the ones at Costco aren't trustworthy enough to risk horrific birth defects on (I mean, they're ALMOST good enough to just say f**k it, but not quite)
-- My coffee is all decaf
-- People give me advice all the time that I didn't ask for and don't want

JESSE'S SUFFERINGS:
-- He has to live with me ... ?

WHY DOES HE GET A CARD BUT I DON'T GET A CARD? HE HASN'T EVEN HAD TO LAY OFF THE CRACK PIPE AND I HAD TO TOTALLY LAY OFF THE CRACK PIPE. COLD TURKEY.

... cold turkey, not Jive Turkey. Moron. Seriously, who puts the pictures in these things? Oh, wait. Me.

So, in conclusion, I think it's maybe 10-20% reasonable for pregnant women to celebrate Mothers' Day (the percentage gets much higher if you're having a terrible hard time with your pregnancy, being sick all the time and whatnot, because this whole impending motherhood thing is taking a really high toll and you should get nice special treatment for that). Because if you're as lucky as I am, then being pregnant is pretty easy. A lot easier than being an actual mother, at least.

But it is like 0% reasonable for guys to celebrate Fathers' Day before the kid is born. Because they don't even have to lay off the crack pipe. And that, quite frankly, is unfair.

And here is a picture of a ghost giving a stick figure a hamburger.

Today's post is just absolute garbage.

You're welcome!!!