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Wednesday, July 24, 2013

The Indignities of Pregnancy 2: PLUMBERS' GUT

Welcome back to another session of me complaining about the indignities of being pregnant!!! Today, we focus on the challenges involved in dressing oneself while faced with a steadily growing belly.

Now, obviously I knew that I was going to grow out of my regular clothing, and pretty rapidly. That's why there's such a thing as "maternity" clothes, after all. Nobody honestly expects their jeans to fit them much beyond the first trimester, and sure enough, I have been wearing almost 100% maternity clothes for months. I have no issue with this.

But when I say "almost 100% maternity clothes," please note that this is not the same as saying "100% maternity clothes." The real figure is closer to 90-95%.

"But Patent," you say, incredulous, "you are fat as f**k! What non-maternity clothes could you POSSIBLY be wearing?!?!? Did you have a collection of muumuus in your closet just ready to go in case of emergency??"

And to this, I say: things that were long, or stretchy, or had elastic waistbands. Things that seemed like they would have no reason not to fit me throughout my pregnancy. Things like ... tennis skirts to work out in, or long stretchy tank tops to wear underneath clothing, or roomy t-shirts to sleep in, or stretchy flowing summer dresses. I think that every woman, if she thought about it, could easily identify a good 10% of her wardrobe that would be expected to make the transition into maternity-land without trouble.

And the indignities begin when these large, stretchy, flowy and roomy garments stop fitting.

Allow me to describe this more vividly with a story from the other day:

It was time for me to work out. Specifically, it was time for me to do a nice hard powerwalk on my treadmill. Since we already know how I feel about powerwalking, you can imagine that I already was not feeling my absolute awesomest from the get-go. But I put on my tennis skirt and sports bra and extra long Express tank top with shelf bra and off I went.

I seriously have like a billion of these things. They are the best! And look how long they are!!!

Now, at this point, my tennis skirts only fit if I pull the waistband down in the front so that it sits completely below my belly. I could try to pull them up all the way, but 1) that would be terribly uncomfortable, and 2) they would just ride down anyway, so why even bother? So I put on my tennis skirt, and then my maternity back support band, and commenced my workout.

By the time I was finished, I stepped off the treadmill and glanced in a mirror, only to be met by a horrible sight: my skirt had ridden down, and my extra-long tank top had ridden up, leaving a nice gap in the middle.

It's like a plumbers' crack but in the front. Plumbers' gut.

Look, I added a crack and some butt-hairs to it to make it more realistic.

My belly is so large, it forces its way out of extra-long tank tops and elastic-waist skirts.

Another time, I wore a pair of boxer shorts and a long wife-beater tank top to bed. Pre-pregnancy, I could pull this tank top down nearly to my crotch.

In the morning, I got up out of bed and stretched, and Jesse opened his eyes to catch his first view of the day:

Also, in case you were wondering, the tattoo hasn't stretched yet. It has just turned to look another direction instead of straight forwards. Seeing what's going on off to my right for a bit.

More plumber's gut.

The plumber's gut problem has gotten so, well, problematic, that I now have a "maternity girdle" that I wear under my tennis skirts to go hiking in public. This is basically a pair of bicycle shorts with a full belly panel, so they reach up to my rib cage like your grandpa's pants did in the 1940's. The maternity girdle gives the extra-long tank tops something to grip onto so they don't slip up quite so easily and reveal the gut. Personally, I'm just demoralized to admit that I not only own but have to frequently wear something called a "maternity girdle."

Mine's not nearly this sexy. The lace would be so impractical! And besides, why even bother trying to make this article of clothing sexy? It's not sexy.

(and yes, I do already own actual maternity tank tops, but they are not made of good fabric for exercising. Plus they were expensive enough that I don't want to destroy them by sweating all up in them while climbing a mountain. These goddamn extra-long Express tank tops will just have to suffice, gut or not) 

And then ... AND THEN ...

As if the Plumbers' Gut and the maternity girdle weren't enough ... I started to outgrow my maternity clothes.

I have this great black shirt that I like to wear to work with a colorful light scarf. It's just your standard fitted black maternity shirt with extra length on the front to accommodate a belly. I usually wear it with one of my maternity tank tops underneath.

THE SHIRT IS NOW TOO SMALL FOR ME. It rides up in the front. Plumbers' gut at the office.



And I still have to get SO MUCH BIGGER before this is all over with!

On the bright side, I tried to put glasses and a tiny top hat on my belly this morning but they wouldn't stay on ... but they're going to look fantastic when I get a little bigger. So, at least I have that to look forward to. And so do you!!! 

I hope my belly button pops out so it can be a better nose. I mean it looked okay now, but it would be so much better with an actual 3D nose, right?! I don't care if my clothes don't fit me anymore. As long as I can put glasses and a tiny top hat on my belly, I'll happily stay pregnant forever!


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