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Friday, November 15, 2013

Friday Poundings: Multitasking and how Bruno Mars sucks

I've been working on another post all week but I kind of hate it so I'm not going to publish it just yet. I think trying to force myself to work in categories is really restricting my ability to be funny ... so I'm just going to shart out some random posts for a while until I really get back on my feet! And so, Friday Poundings return! They might not always be on Fridays. Don't let that confuse you.

For this issue of Friday Poundings, we'll start with some old news: a song that really annoys me.

I hate Bruno Mars. I mean I hate every single song of his. Universally. Plus he looks like a douche with his stupid hats and his stupid hair.

But the Bruno Mars song that pisses me off the most is his old favorite "Grenade." I was lying in bed last night desperately trying to fall asleep before the baby woke up again, and that stupid garbage song was playing on repeat in my head. I don't know where it came from, but it made me mad so I'm going to share my anger with you.

That song is retarded. The lyrics make no sense.

Why? Because none of the things he says he will do for you are actually going to benefit you at all.

I mean ... let's talk this through. He starts with "I would catch a grenade for you."

Okay ... one surefire way to win a Medal of Honor in war is to jump on a grenade thrown into a group of soldiers. You sacrifice yourself to save the lives of everyone else. That's heroism in its purest form.

But ... catching the grenade?


Good job, buddy.

Then the next line is even more baffling. "I'd step in front of a train for you."

I'm absolutely wracking my brain trying to think of a situation where a person could benefit from someone else stepping in front of a train. I mean, it's not like you're going to STOP the train. You're pretty much just going to commit suicide by train for no reason at all.

Here's some relationship advice: if the person you're with asks you to kill yourself (and they're serious), it's probably time to look for a new partner because this one isn't working out.

I mean, I tell Jesse to kill himself all the time, usually when he makes a bad pun. But I don't actually want him to follow through on it. That would be pretty rude.

Bruno Mars, you're an asshole.

And the second topic I want to cover today is multitasking. Mothers always say they're the best multitaskers, and it's really annoying when they say that because how the hell can you even judge that? Only a moron is incapable of doing more than one task at a time. So if we can all do it, then why should we be impressed that mothers can "do it best"?

Well, here's what I've learned after becoming a mother: we are furiously efficient multitaskers out of pure necessity. And here's why:

The only opportunity I really have to do much of anything around the house is when I don't have to hold the baby. That means either while she's asleep or while she is occupied in her swing or bouncy seat.

But she only enjoys swinging in her swing for ~10 minutes max, and the bouncy seat for even less. And as anyone with young baby experience can attest, their naps come in two lengths: an hour-plus, ... or seven minutes.

And so you always have to assume that the nap is going to last for seven minutes.

So here you have seven minutes to start racing through your task list. And there are like five tasks that are PRIORITY ONE. Say you have to wash all the bottles because there are no more clean ones, and you have to poop, and you're starving, and you have to start a load of baby laundry, and you really need to brush your teeth. How are you going to do all this in seven minutes?

Well, simple: You throw on the faucet to try and run all the cold water out of the pipes and you put all the bottles into a big bowl. And then you toss some food in the microwave and by the time the microwave has started running, your water is hot so you can fill the bowl with hot water and soap to wash the bottles. And then once the bowl is full and the bottles are soaking in their hot soapy water, you still have 45 seconds left on the microwave to put the laundry in the washer. And then the microwave beeps so you take your food and run into the bathroom.

And then you sit on the toilet pooping while eating whatever food you've warmed up, wondering where you went wrong in your life that would leave you eating breakfast on the toilet.

Because that, my friend, is a low point.

Moms: professional multitaskers.

And then of course this is going to turn out to be one of those hour-plus naps so all this rushing around will have been for nothing. You could have eaten breakfast at the table ... like a human. But instead, you ate while pooping. Like an animal.

Because your kid hates you.

Haha she's cute though so it's okay.



  1. Don't be so quick to say that you hate every single Bruno Mars song because he's got hundreds, literally hundreds of songs floating around that you wouldn't know he wrote. Grenade is metaphoric in lyrics; it's a poem that just so happened to be mediated in song form and happened to become popular and overplayed .

    1. I don't mind if he writes a song, as long as he doesn't sing it. Dat voice. Ah please no.

      If he and Adam Levine sang a duet together, I would catch a grenade IN MY EARS rather than listen to it.