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Wednesday, February 5, 2014

A list of acceptable reasons to hate a person

Do you hate anyone? Does anyone hate you? I'm not talking dislike or annoyance; I'm talking full-on, fire-in-the-heart, deep-seated, pants-shitting hatred.

It's pretty rare for someone to be such a fine piece of work to actually deserve outright hate. I mean, that's a lot of emotion to invest in someone, especially negative emotion. Takes too much effort to keep that up.

And yet, there are people out there who hate me. Hate-hate me. They admit it freely, and will happily list their reasons for hating me. And I gotta say ... those reasons are pretty weak. I know I'm not really in charge of coming up with good reasons to hate someone, and people can do whatever they want, but I am nevertheless going to try to put together a list of acceptable reasons to actually, genuinely hate another human being:

If they are responsible for genocide

Saying "I hate Hitler" isn't exactly controversial, and there's a reason for that: Hitler was the worst kind of asshole that ever lived. In fact, it'd be kind of weird if a person didn't hate Hitler. Same with other genocidal dicks and mass-murderers. Hate away, friends, and feel no guilt for doing it. It's totally allowed.

This dude was a real jerk, and you know what? I hate him.

If they are better-looking than me

This one kind of goes without saying. I've never met someone who was more attractive than me who wasn't a complete bitch. I mean, I've also never really taken the time to talk to someone who was more attractive than me, because I don't like to waste my time with bitches.



 Giant, unbelievable f***ing bitch.

Not that bad of a chick actually, once you get to know her.

If they have murdered my loved ones

Look, if you're gonna kill my beloved friends or family, I'm going to hate you for it. That's just all there is to it.

If they are effortlessly good at something that I find difficult

D'you ever watch the Olympics and just think "I want to f***ing cripple all these motherf***ers"? 

Me too. And don't even get me started on going to see the ballet, because I used to be a ballerina but I never really rose above mediocrity (and it took a lot of effort to even reach that point). Then I see all those bitches balleting around like it's nothing, and I just go f***ing ballistic.

It's totally okay to hate all those people, and definitely is not something you need to seek therapy to help understand. Some people are really good at stuff, and those people are f***ing assholes who need to answer for that.

Someday you're gonna die and I am going to laugh so. hard.

If they have raped my loved ones

Totally uncool. Definitely hate-worthy.

If they have some physical attribute that I long for

Have you ever met a girl with really thick, beautiful hair, and then later you found out she was disfigured in a car crash and you were like "f*** yeah, bitch deserved it"? Once again, this is totally understandable. You think you can just walk around with thick beautiful hair?? My hair is thin and limp and in terrible condition because I insist on dyeing it and applying heat to it all the time. Anyone with better hair than me can just go fall off a goddamned cliff.

Eat my feces, Selena Gomez.

If they are deeply and unapologetically racist, homophobic, or sexist

Usually I just pity people like this, because it's sad that they're so ignorant and backwards. But sometimes, they lash out at other people and make them feel bad about things they can't help, and that's pretty f***ed up. So it's okay to hate them, I think.

Like these clownf**ks, for example.

If they said something mean about someone I've never met and don't care about

Who is going to stand up for this complete stranger, about whom I know nothing and could not care less, if not me? What kind of a horrible, rotten, no-good black-souled bitch would say something mean about this total stranger who may or may not have deserved it?

God, I hate people who say mean stuff about people I've never met. I hate them almost as much as I hate the people who can run full marathons. F***ing showboating assholes. Go die already.

If they have intentionally caused me to miss out on a major, life-changing opportunity

If I was thiiisclose to being the next American Idol, right up until you poured acid into my coffee and made it so I could never sing again, that's totally hate-worthy.

Every time something good happens to you, I burn myself with a hot poker so I never forget all the wrongs you've committed against me, Kelly Clarkson.

If they are rich

I mean obviously. Rich? Might as well just go be f***ing Hitler.

Richest man alive? More like terriblest man alive.

If they are a homewrecker and have destroyed the marriage of either me or someone very close to me

I know it takes two to tango and all that, but if you use your genitals to break up someone's marriage, that's pretty shitty and you deserve lots of hate for doing that. Especially if you just do it for laughs. You're a terrible person.

If they write a blog that I don't think is particularly funny

This is the absolute worst kind of person on earth. I would take Hitler and Osama bin Laden's rape-hungry offspring over a person who writes a blog that is kind of boring and not that funny. If Mother Teresa herself wrote a blog that didn't make me LOL until I vomited blood, I'd probably slap her square across the face.

Don't even try to tell me she wouldn't deserve it.


So, there you have it! A complete list of reasons to hate another human being. I'm sure there are some that I missed, so feel free to let me know in the comments! Meanwhile, I'm going to get back to shoving needles through the heart of my J-Law voodoo doll, because she obviously deserves that shit.

1 comment:

  1. I loved this article and I love the voice you put in your commentary.. I like J- Law, but I feel the same way about that divergent girl something woodly... Anyway it was funny and as I dislike many people, it's a nice reference to have to describe to people just why I dislike them so much.