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Friday, February 14, 2014

Friday Poundings: "You know you're a parent when ..."

90% of the times that I see a sentence starting with "you know you're a parent when ...", the second half of the sentence ends up being either absolutely disgusting, annoying, sanctimonious, or saccharine enough to cause immediate diabetes.

So I am going to attempt to describe a few "you know you're a parent when" moments I've had without ending up in any of those traps. I probably will not succeed. But here goes nothing.

You know you're a parent when you find yourself willing to do literally anything to make your kid smile, including dancing with your arms over your head to the stupid song the monkey toy plays.

My baby's smile is adorable and I like to see it. And I recently realized with some shame that there is basically nothing I won't do if I think it will get her to smile. So whenever I change her diaper, I pull the cord on this monkey toy and it starts to play a jammin' jungle-themed tune. And then I put my arms over my head and grin like an oaf while I dance to the song like some sort of blind halfwit having a seizure and stroke simultaneously. And the baby smiles and laughs because MOMMY IS HILARIOUS!!!

Don't stop groovin Mommy you got the beat!

One time I was doing this and I thought I heard Jesse coming up behind me. There aren't words enough to express the relief I felt when I realized he wasn't there at all. The thought of anyone seeing me dancing like that to the bloody jungle jam is enough to give me lifelong anxiety.

But, it makes the baby smile, so ... I'mma keep dancing.

You know you're a parent when you're willing to let someone cough or sneeze directly into your face from inches away without immediately pummeling that person. To death.

I love my husband. I love my family. I love my friends.

Nevertheless, if a dear friend were to cough in my face, I would punch her. If Jesse were to sneeze directly into my face, I would punch him. If my own mother, who birthed me and raised me, coughed or sneezed into my face, I would punch her.

But if my baby does it? I just wipe my face and say something like "awww poor baby, you're not feeling well are you?" She has coughed into my open mouth more times than a tuberculosis-ridden hobo with severe personal boundary issues. 

Usually a sneeze I can at least see coming, but she's still managed to land some serious blows. One time, I saw she was about to sneeze so I held up a burp rag in front of her face. At the last possible second, she diverted and sneezed onto my eyeball instead.

I did not punch her.

You know you're a parent when you find another person's bowel movements genuinely amusing

I didn't understand this one until I had a kid of my own. You see your parent friends posting things on Facebook that are like "just got poo in my hair LOL the joys of motherhood" and you make this face:

Now, I won't claim that I find it funny to get Audrey's poo onto my person. It is green and smelly. I don't like to touch it. But, I also can't claim that I don't find her poo habits to generally be hilarious.

Some days, I tell her it's time to burp and instead she loads up her diaper and smiles at me. I can't help but laugh at that. "I said BURP, not TURD!" I say with a giggle.


Some days, I will be playing my guitar and singing to her and then I'll smell something foul and I'll grin at her, saying "I guess you really enjoyed Mommy's performance!"

Ahh she's a comedian!

And of course, some days she will interrupt the smiles and laughs of playtime to get real, real serious for a minute, grunting a few times until I hear the characteristic squerrploosh sound of her letting loose. And then she'll be immediately back to smiles and laughs, and I have to laugh too because dat shit is funny. Honestly legitimately funny.

When Jesse poops, I don't laugh. I just pray that he remembers to turn on the fan.

Anyway, in honor of Valentine's Day, here's an old drawing of skeleton Cupid to make you feel loved!

 It's not a proper Friday Poundings post unless it completely changes direction without warning at least once. So there you have it.

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