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Monday, March 31, 2014

Things people compared to food that made me hate them

Food is for eating. It can be delicious.

Please don't use food to describe things that are not for eating and are not delicious. Otherwise I will hate you. Just like I hate these people:

The pediatric nurse who asked me if my daughter's poop had the consistency of mashed potatoes

When Audrey was younger, she experienced really bad gas pains sometimes that would keep her up for hours at night. So like any worried mama, I called the pediatric clinic to talk about possible solutions to the problem.

The nurse I talked to asked me a variety of questions to try to figure out the source of Audrey's gas -- what does she eat, how often, how much, etc. And of course poop color and consistency came up. I tried to keep the descriptions clean -- using terms like "soft clay" and "sometimes liquidy." But the nurse kept steering them towards food.

First, she asked if the poop was like mashed potatoes. So I thought about mashed potatoes. 

Then I thought about poop. Then I thought about mashed potatoes made out of poop. Then I thought about eating the poop. I thought about poop on my plate next to my Thanksgiving turkey, bathed in gravy.

Just like this, only made out of excrement from the ass of another human.

Then I thought about throttling that nurse because I couldn't eat mashed potatoes for a month after this conversation.

She followed up by asking me if the poop was more like "cake batter" or if it ever got really hard "like M&Ms." Lady, you're either doing this on purpose or you have some kind of fetish. Who looks at a dirty diaper and thinks "hmmm, what kind of delicious food product does this turd make me hungry for?"

I'm so sorry for this.

That nurse, that's who.

The lady in my office who said the pastries in the break room looked like someone had their period all over them

There were strawberry danishes in the break room. They looked delicious and I was going to eat the f*** out of one.

Until someone walked in and was like "eww gross, those look like someone had their period on them."

Now all I see are nasty clumpy clots and menstrual blood. No danish for me. You are mean, lady. Very very mean.

Yes, menstrual blood is red. Other things in the world are also red -- things like strawberries and strawberry syrup. There's no need to point out the resemblance every time you see it. I would have enjoyed that danish very much.

Every baby book that makes sure to point out that breastfed babies will have poop that is mustard-yellow and the consistency of cottage cheese

I've always had a complicated relationship with cottage cheese. But after reading this description in like ten different places, and then seeing it in my kid's diaper, I now have NO relationship with cottage cheese.


Oh, and as I was googling that picture of cottage cheese, guess what the suggested searches were??

Just in case you weren't clear, that's VAGINAL discharge. Yep. Just wanted to make sure you knew what we were discussing. Infected vaginas. Mmhmm.

How does ANYONE eat cottage cheese at this point? 


The friend who said he blew his nose so hard, something resembling a craisin came out

This was years ago, but I still remember it and I still kind of hate him for this. If you're reading this, craisin-boy, just know that you f***ed me up good. 

I love craisins. I eat them all the time. And they look like dried-up bloody boogers. :-( You stole my innocence. You stomped it like the glass at a Jewish wedding. 

In conclusion, the world is full of disgusting assholes who want you to never eat again. But I'll show them. I'll show them all.

I'm going to have one of the danishes in the break room, no matter what anyone says.

After all, no one can possibly say anything bad about this one:


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