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Tuesday, June 17, 2014

How easily offended are you? Take this quiz to find out!

Have you ever been accused of being "too easily offended"? If so, did that offend you?

If you answered "yes" to both of these, then it's possible you just might, in fact, be too easy to offend. Take this handy quiz I wrote to find out for sure.

You can interpret your results at the bottom.

Question 1:
How often do you either say or type the phrase "I'm incredibly offended ..." in response to something you've heard or read?

A: Once a week, at minimum

B: Closer to once a month

C: Once a year or so

D: I have never done this. Ever

Question 2:
You and your BFF are having a private conversation in her home. During this conversation, she refers to Game of Thrones star Peter Dinklage as a "midget." Do you:

A: Interrupt her mid-sentence to declare that the preferred nomenclature is actually "little person," that you're shocked that she would use such hurtful language in your presence, and that you can't possibly be friends with someone who thinks it's okay to talk like that. You then leave her house and never speak to her again

B: Wait until she is finished speaking before haughtily informing your friend that "little person" is the current politically correct terminology

C: Say nothing, but make a point of referring to Peter Dinklage as a "little person" in your next sentence, hoping that your friend takes notice

D: Wait, you can't say "midget" now? When did this happen??

Pictured: 'little person', not 'midget'.

Question 3:
How frequently would you say you've felt "the most offended I've ever been in my life"?

A: Monthly or more

B: Annually

C: A handful of times in your life -- you could easily list them all

D: You have never felt offended before, even when that weird guy at the gas station tried to call you a racial slur

Question 4:
While perusing an online forum, you see that someone has posed a question about beavers that could be interpreted a few different ways. One of the possible ways you can interpret it is very offensive. Do you:

A: Assume the person meant it the offensive way, and leap out with guns blazing to shout them down for being so horrible. Even when the person corrects you, saying they actually meant something completely innocuous, refuse to believe them and insist that they are just "trying to backtrack now that you've been called out."

B: Assume the person meant it the offensive way, but ask for confirmation first before pulling out your guns. Make sure you ask for confirmation in a manner that is snarky and includes at least one sarcastic "wow"

C: Assume the person meant it the inoffensive way, but ask for confirmation first before proceeding. 

D: Assume the person meant it the inoffensive way because duh. Proceed as if the alternate interpretation doesn't even exist.

Question 5:
You are a HUGE fan of Maroon 5 and have posters of Adam Levine all over your house. One of their songs comes on the radio and your friend Phil says "ugh, I hate these guys. Adam Levine looks like what would happen if Napoleon Bonaparte and Ed Hardy had a baby together and then it got too many trophies for participation while growing up." How do you react?

A: Go f***ing bananas. Demand an apology and tell Phil that he has no right to express his opinions because they are hurtful to others. Pull over in a bad neighborhood and tell that asshole Phil to get out of your car. As you drive away, shout "your MOM looks like she had a baby with Ed Hardy" out the window while Phil looks on in confusion. Never speak to him again.

B: Feel deeply butthurt and immediately launch into an argument with Phil about how great Maroon 5 actually is. Pursue this argument well past the point where Phil has agreed to disagree. Bring the argument up whenever possible in the future, saying things like "this is just like the time you said you hated Maroon 5." Clearly Phil's Maroon 5 hatred is evidence that he is a rotten person. Continue to search for more evidence before eventually dumping him as a friend.

C: Spend a minute trying to convince Phil that he's all wrong about Maroon 5, but give up when you realize you're fighting a pointless battle.

D: Laugh and say "I'd rather be a Maroon 5 fan than a Mumford and Sons fan like you, dickbag. Those banjo-playing bearded f**ks belong in a hole in the ground."

This f**kin' guy, amirite?

Question 6:
You are at the grocery store when you overhear two strangers talking to each other. One calls the other one a "big stupid stinky butthole face", which is what your older brother used to call you when you were a kid and it really hurt your feelings. Do you:

A: Turn purple with rage and march up to those strangers to give them what-for! Nobody calls someone a big stupid stinky butthole face and gets away with it. Continue ranting even after the strangers have laughed at you and walked away. Stand there yelling at nothing for at least ten minutes.

B: Give the strangers a very dirty look and shake your head "no" at them, making sure they see you, but otherwise don't get involved. Spend the rest of the day stewing on the situation, lamenting the fact that you didn't say anything in defense of the person who got called such a mean name.

C: Feel momentarily hurt, remembering how mean your older brother was. Then move on with your day.

D: Laugh riotously at that hilarious zinger, and maybe fist-bump the person giving the insult.



Congratulations, you are INSUFFERABLE. You enjoy the thrill of being offended, and you're addicted to the rush that comes from self-righteously shouting people down all the time. You see offense everywhere you look, and you're incapable of keeping quiet about it. As a result, the only people who hang out with you voluntarily are people exactly like you, and the thought of encountering your little group of crusaders gives me worse diarrhea than a shady Indian restaurant ("THAT'S RACIST!!!"). You don't get invited to things, and your family members all groan when they find out you're coming to Christmas dinner. You make everyone around you feel judged and uncomfortable -- even complete strangers -- and it's people like you who give political correctness a bad name. You suck, is basically what I'm getting at here.

You're still pretty insufferable, but there's probably hope for you. I know it feels good to be offended, but maybe you should consider giving your fellow man a little bit more benefit of the doubt? It's not your job to 'fix' everyone around you. Remember that if someone says something rude, they make themselves look stupid and that's it. You don't need to get your hands dirty by getting involved in every single potentially offensive thing that happens in the world. Just take a deep breath and move on.

You're pretty chill and probably not a bad person to hang out with. You try to watch what you say and keep others up to date on the euphemism treadmill, but you do it in a way that isn't likely to make you a bunch of enemies. You try to have empathy for your fellow humans, and it serves you well. Keep up the good work.

You're either the chillest mofo that ever lived, or else -- and this is a very real possibility here so hang with me for a second -- but maybe, just maybe, you're never offended because you're the most offensive person you know. Do you often notice people rolling their eyes, wincing, or looking away when you interact with them? Do you call Asian people "slanty-eyed Orientals"? You meant that question about beavers to be offensive, didn't you?? And here I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, like some kind of naive idiot.

This is why we can't have nice things.

I hope we've all learned something about ourselves today. I know I have! And if you have any ideas for future quiz topics you'd like to see, send them my way if you please. I liked writing this. It felt good. I hope that doesn't offend you.

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