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Tuesday, July 29, 2014

"Look how smart my baby is!" -- said every parent, ever

One of the best parts of being a parent is watching your child get smarter and smarter every day. Newborn babies can't do ANYTHING on their own, so the bar is set pretty low in terms of what they need to do to impress you. The first time your kid sees a bottle and starts crying, you're impressed. "He knew that bottle had his food in it! What a smartypants!" The first time your kid says someone's name, you're blown away. "He recognized Mike! Have you ever seen anything so amazing??!"


Here is a brief list of some baby accomplishments that had me genuinely shrieking with joy about how smart kids are:

Audrey ate a baby Cheeto

You don't realize how much coordination it takes to eat something small -- like a Cheeto -- until you watch a baby try and do it. First, you need the dexterity and hand-eye coordination to pick it up with the tips of your finger and thumb. Then, you need to move it to your face and place part of it into your  mouth. But only part of it -- you can't put the whole thing in your mouth, nor can you put your own fingers in your mouth, or else you'll bite them or choke or something. Once part of the Cheeto is in your mouth, you must bite down on it, and then remove the remaining part of the Cheeto away from your face while you chew and then swallow the piece you bit off.

The first time Audrey attempted this, everything went wrong. She couldn't pick it up; she couldn't locate her mouth; she tried to shove it in her mouth sideways so it didn't fit; she didn't understand that she had to take a bite. It was a disaster, and she ended up crying in frustration.

So when she finally put together all the pieces of the puzzle and managed to pick up a Cheeto and take a bite of it, I was so impressed I almost posted on Facebook about it.

"This got more likes than when I graduated college!"

My niece recognized her grandfather in a distorted picture 

Here is a photo of someone pretty famous that I bet you will all recognize:

Now, what if I do something to the picture to distort it? Do you still recognize it?

"Is that ... Samuel L. Jackson?"

What if, instead of a picture of Obama, that was a picture of a close family member who you see in person on a weekly basis. Do you think you would recognize a slightly distorted photo of that person?

I don't even feel guilty.

Well, when my niece was able to point out her grandfather in an iPad Photo Booth app picture, we were all blown away. Like, look out world -- here comes the smartest kid on the planet.

"Lois, just what in the hell do you think you are doing? That is my STROKE side."

Audrey put a sippy cup into her mouth

This one I actually did post on Facebook. I had to. Two hands holding the cup, putting the end in her mouth, and lifting it up/tipping it back enough to actually drink from it? That's some genius IQ level shit.

Can YOU do that? No you f***ing can't.

My niece picked up something heavy and said the word "heavy"

No joke -- she picked up a bag that was too heavy for her to carry, so she said something that sounded kinda like "heavy" and I almost pissed myself. This kid is going places.

I'll never win one of these :-(

Audrey figured out how to get down from standing up

You read that right: she was standing up holding onto the table, and then she bent her knees and sat down on the floor without hurting herself or falling over. Don't even f***ing act like you're not impressed.

So, in conclusion, if you see your parent-friends posting things on Facebook about how proud they are that their kid learned how to blow snot rockets out onto the sofa, just try to understand where they're coming from. A kid that can blow snot rockets onto the sofa is more advanced than a kid who still needs you to suck the snot out of his nose for him, and so the parent is impressed. If you have kids, it will happen to you as well. Someday, your kid will walk up to you and say "poop" and you'll check his diaper and find that holy shit, he actually did poop! And you'll cry happy tears and call your spouse and your mother and your best friend to tell them all about how smart your kid is.

Because kids are dumb, but parents are even dumber. Don't fight it. Just let it happen.

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