Stories from the trenches: More awkward parenting moments

Here are a few recent stories about my adventures in parenting:

So the other day I was cooking some baby food for Audrey, making her a recipe I'd found online for chicken with peach and brown rice. I had baked the chicken thighs, and steamed the peaches, and fired up the rice cooker to make a mixture of quinoa and brown rice (because they're both healthy and both good and I couldn't pick one so I compromised).

Once it was all cooked, I put it in the food processor and pureed it. Dipped a spoon into the still-warm puree and tasted it. Delicious! I mean really, truly, delicious. I was blown away. So I thought to myself "I should make something like this for us to eat, too."

But here's the thing: in that moment, I wasn't picturing a nice dinner of baked chicken thighs in a peach reduction served over quinoa and brown rice. No, I was picturing a big sloppy bowl of dinner puree. I legitimately believed that it would be a good idea to cook this exact same meal for me and Jesse to eat. I mean, imagine how good it would be once I added some grownup-friendly spices to it?

I bet it would make a fantastic sandwich spread, or ... or ... a dip! 

I could bring it to a potluck with a bunch of celery sticks to dip into it! I'd be the hero of the potluck!!

So ... no, then?



Another day, I'm in the kitchen cooking something or other while Audrey crawls around on the floor finding things to play with. She's quite easily amused at this age, so I just have to check her every so often to make sure she's not gotten into something dangerous.

I don't hear any noise for a minute, so naturally I get concerned and turn around to look for her. I see her kneeling in front of the refrigerator making out with her own reflection.

*Sigh* 

She's mine for sure.



So we're at a home brew beer festival. No babysitter available, but no problem -- we'll just take separate cars and I'll stay sober and take Audrey home early while Jesse camps out with everyone else (since he's the home brewer, after all). Not a big deal -- Audrey is a very well-behaved and calm baby, so as long as she has a blanket and toys to play with, she's happy.

I set up the play zone and sit down on the blanket with her. It's hot as hell out, so I'm dressed in this adorable little peasant skirt and a tank top, with my hair in braids. I look like the epitome of carefree young motherhood, sitting there on a picnic blanket on the grass with my skirt spread around me, playing with my beautiful baby daughter as my husband fetches me a sampler glass of delicious home brew.

A friend I haven't seen in a long time walks into view, and I smile warmly at her, thinking "I bet she's totally blown away by how beautiful and natural this looks. I bet she's totally jealous of me right now. I look like I should be in a magazine."

And just as I raise my arm to give her a wave, Audrey shoves her entire hand into my nose and mouth, hard. I mean she pretty much gave my face the shocker -- two in the beak, three in the cheek. I'm surprised I didn't get a nosebleed from it -- her pinkie must've been halfway to my brain.

I do not think that my friend was jealous.


Audrey's at an age now where she's not quite so into cuddling. I mean she still wants to be touching me a lot, especially when she's tired (which results in a lot of games of "play with this toy by shoving it against Mommy", "play with this toy while flopping across Mommy's lap", and of course the favorite "play with this toy by hitting Mommy with it"), but she won't sit still long enough to actually enjoy a decent cuddle. She's always got something going on, somewhere to be, some toy to shake at nothing.

So this morning, after her breakfast bottle, I was holding her close and pressing my cheek against hers. And she just sat there, calm, quiet, letting me enjoy this little cheek-to-cheek cuddle-fest. I thought, "this is so sweet. I'm so glad she's letting me do this."

And then I smelled it.

Yep, the only reason she was sitting so quietly and letting me cuddle her so nicely was because her focus was elsewhere. 

Kid only cuddles me when she's shitting.



Because of the hot weather this past week and weekend, I decided Audrey deserved a kiddie pool to splash around in to cool off. But of course all the local stores were sold out of kiddie pools ... so I improvised and bought her this storage bin to use instead:

I do what I can, you guys.

SPLISH SPLASH, BITCHES.