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Tuesday, August 19, 2014

If any of these sound like goals you've espoused in your life, time to reevaluate

I strive every single day to be a better person. It's an endless struggle, but I keep at it because I always want to look back at the past version of myself and think "I was okay back then, but I prefer the person I am now." It really takes the sting out of getting older, too. I don't get older; I get better.

But some people do not seem to share this goal. In fact, some people seem to have goals completely contrary to mine. They don't try to be better; they try to be worse and to make others worse. And it's sad.

Here are some goals that awful people have. If any of these sound like things that you've aspired to recently, it's time for you to take a step back and think about your life a little bit.


"I need to be more of a bitch, I think. I'm too nice."

Sometimes I watch the show Fashion Police with Joan Rivers, and I am just amazed by that woman. She is so goddamned funny, and her delivery is so flawless, that she can say the nastiest, snarkiest, most horrible things ever, and you just can't help but laugh at it. She's such a master of snark that I suspect even the people she's ragging on have to laugh a little bit. You know snark is done well when the butt of the joke ends up laughing at it too. I admire Joan for this. 

HOWEVER, COMMA, I do not try to emulate her. Why? Because I don't quite have the skill that she has, so if I tried to act like Joan Rivers, I would just come off like a cruel bitch. And being a cruel bitch is not the star towards which I am aiming. (and I will fully admit that this has been the hardest bad habit for me to give up. Making fun of people behind their backs is fun and it feels good ... but it's mean and it makes the world worse so I'm trying to stop doing it)

Joan Rivers:

Me trying to be Joan Rivers:
F***, now I feel terrible. No one is laughing and everyone is crying. I have failed.

Is being a cruel bitch the star towards which YOU are aiming? Do you see a group of meanies making fun of someone and think "oh wow I desperately want those meanies to like me. I bet they will like me if I am super bitchy like them," so you walk up to a total stranger and dump Coke Zero down her pants? Was this successful at getting the meanies to like you? Was your life improved by this act? Are you in 6th grade?




"I need to be more unique and different, and I think the best way to do that is to hate someone that everyone else likes."

If everyone likes someone, there's usually a reason. For example, maybe that person is likable.

Gosh, don't you hate it when other people are likable? That's the worst. They take attention away from me, and that, good sir, is unforgivable.

You might even go so far as to say I hate people who are likable.

So in conclusion, f*** you Chris Pratt. See, everyone likes Chris Pratt. Except me.* Worship me, for I am a free thinker!

*Just kidding; obviously I love Chris Pratt. Are there people who don't like Chris Pratt? WHY?! What reason could you possibly have???!

Tommy T-Rex just wants you to like him. Look how sad he is that someone hates him! Don't make him feel like that.


"I need to prevent others from finding joy in activities that I personally do not gain pleasure from."

When you see that other people are having fun doing something that you personally do not find enjoyable, how do you handle it? Do you think "well, whatever floats your boat I guess"? Or do you go with something more like "I do not enjoy that activity; therefore, other people do not deserve to find joy in it" and then you go out of your way to try and ruin the others' good time?

Hopefully you selected Option 1, because otherwise you are a monster. If someone wants to, for example, watch Frozen ten times in a row because they love it, why would I feel the need to walk up to them and announce that "enjoying Disney movies as an adult is juvenile, and liking them makes you a lesser person than me"? How does that improve my life?

It doesn't.

Taking joy away from other people is not a good goal to set.

I'm being so mean to dinosaurs today :-(

So, in conclusion, this whole post boils down to a couple of rules that we should all aim to follow if we want the world to be a better place. And those rules are:

1. Try to be a better person
2. Don't try to be a worse person.

I think we can do it, guys. Now go compliment a stranger. It will make you both feel good. :-)

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