My darling little baby daughter enjoys many of life's simple pleasures, but I think what she likes the most is waking up at 5AM every day including weekends. This means that I get to see a lot of terrible commercials as I watch Law and Order at zero-dark-thirty Sunday morning while a baby throws Jenga blocks at my face. The first two commercials I'm going to talk about come from that is-anybody-even-watching-this time slot:
Nugenix Testosterone Booster
Does it even matter what this product is or what it does? Does it matter what the commercial looks like?
No, it doesn't. Because the name of the product sounds like "eugenics."
You know, eugenics:
How did no one notice this? How is it possible that a product was created and marketed with a name like that, and at no point did someone realize that "hey, this sounds a lot like something Hitler was famous for. Maybe we should change the name?"
Yeah, maybe change it to something less offensive, like Zyklonia or Aryanix.
The fact that it's a testosterone booster just makes this even funnier.
Sorry about your small penis. :-(
This product. I just ...
It is a device that you put in your car to catch all the things you drop into the "no man's land" between your seat and the center console. So that they don't fall down under the seat where you can't reach them anymore.
Okay, let's be real here: I have only ever dropped one thing down into that space. It was this cool snake ring I wear on my right hand, and while I was driving I noticed that my finger was still wet under the ring from the last time I washed my hands. So naturally, I pulled my ring up my finger and then dried the wet spot on my shirt, but this caused the ring to fall off my finger and into the dreaded no man's land.
When I arrived at my destination, I got out of the car and looked under the driver's seat. There was my ring. I grabbed it, put it back on, and went on about my day.
What I'm trying to say is, if you've been kicked in the head so many times that you now have a serious problem with dropping things between your seat and the center console -- a serious enough problem that you need to spend actual money on a product to help you out of this situation -- then you probably shouldn't be driving at all. You're a danger to everyone on the road.
Speaking of people who are a danger to everyone on the road ...
The guy driving this car is so completely distracted that he nearly causes like five accidents on his way to work. The only reason he doesn't crash is because his car has fancy sensors to tell him to watch out.
If I am driving and have one near-miss, my adrenaline starts pumping and I am in a heightened state of awareness for the rest of my drive. I feel like I can hear the thoughts of all the other drivers, and I know what they're going to do before they do it.
If I were to then have a second near-miss somehow, I would realize that I was probably too impaired to be driving (too tired, too stressed, took too much acid) and I would pull over somewhere and get myself together before continuing. A nice big cup of coffee and five minutes in a parking lot with my eyes closed might be all I need.
If I managed to have five near-misses in one f***ing drive, I would set my drivers' license on fire and take the bus everywhere from there on out.
Seriously, this guy has no business being behind the wheel of a car.
Liberty Mutual Accident Forgiveness Commercials
There are a couple of these, but the message is pretty much the same: "lol everyone causes major collisions where they total cars and probably injure people. Why should you be expected to take responsibility for that when everyone does it??!"
Dear Liberty Mutual: I have some bad news for you. NOT EVERYONE DRIVES AROUND CAVALIERLY SMASHING INTO PEOPLE AND LAUGHING ABOUT IT LATER!
In the first one of these commercials, it took me a minute to figure out what was going on. The guy talks about how you just bought a new car and then "out of nowhere, a pickup truck slams into your brand new car." Your car is totaled, and your insurance won't pay for a new car since your car has already depreciated by several thousand dollars simply by being driven off the new car lot. The commercial concludes by asking "why would you have that insurance?"
And I'm like, wait ... why would ... hang on ... wheels are turning ...
If someone crashed into me and they were at fault, then why does it matter what kind of insurance I have? Their insurance will be replacing my totaled car, and that's that. If they only want to replace up to the depreciated value, I can make a diminished value claim and I should come out even.
So if I'm in a situation where my own insurance is refusing to replace my car and I'm just SOL, then clearly ... I WAS AT FAULT IN THE ACCIDENT.
So now we're singing a different song, aren't we? Here I am, driving around in a brand new car, when "out of nowhere" I cause a collision so violent that my brand new car is totaled. Read: I cause a collision so violent that it causes $20,000+ in damage to my car (yeah yeah, depending on the car, blah blah blah).
And then I'm mad at my insurance company because I'm out a few grand? What?!? You f***ing asshole guy, I bet you didn't even pay for that car! Your parents probably bought it for you, because you are an entitled little shit. You're probably the type to get super mad at me after you crash into me, too. Like it's my fault you ran a red light and T-boned me.
In the second Accident Forgiveness commercial I've seen, a girl talks about what bullshit it is that your insurance company raises your rates after you "tap the bumper of some station wagon -- no big deal."
What the f*** kind of attitude is that to have?! YOU HIT ANOTHER CAR WITH YOUR CAR. IT IS A BIG DEAL.
"What good is having insurance if you get punished for using it?"
"I don't understand why driving into other people's cars should cost me any money."
INSURANCE IS THERE TO PROTECT YOU IN CASE OF UNFORESEEN DISASTERS. IT IS NOT THERE SO THAT YOU CAN DRIVE AROUND SMASHING INTO PEOPLE AND JUST MAKING YOUR INSURANCE PAY FOR IT WHILE YOU LAUGH AND SEND TEXT MESSAGES.
Now I hate everyone who has Liberty Mutual insurance. Keep your cars the f*** away from mine, you bad-driving distracted-ass catch-caddy-having text-message-sending bumper-tapping drunk high teenage shitheads.
Also, I just remembered that the teenager that rear-ended me at 30mph on Valentine's Day, causing over $5K worth of damage to my new car and forcing me to drive a Chevy Impala for two weeks, had Liberty Mutual insurance.