Blog Archive

Thursday, October 23, 2014

In which I deface famous portraits

I'm having another one of those "I feel uncreative" days, so of course I'm combating it with nonsense! Today, I will be defacing some famous portraits, because I think that the only thing missing from the faces of famed historical figures/paintings is some bangin' sweet spectacles.

I'm sure you'll agree.

Take, for instance, our buddy Johann Sebastian Bach. Just look at that face:

What a grump! I wonder if some glasses will cheer him up:

Hmmm, not really. Looks like I'll need to go full nuclear on this one.

 Yes .... yes. This is good.

Next, we turn our attention to the famed Mona Lisa:

Ugh, boring much? What she needs is some sweet orange hipster glasses, and maybe some feisty drawn-on eyebrows while we're at it:

 Hundred times more bangable.

What about this terrible Renaissance painting of some derpy kid?

 I suppose it could be a really accurate painting of a SUPER derpy kid.

Get this kid some Harry Potter specs, immediately!

 I want to take his lunch money.

I don't know who this chick is, but she looks like she might be related to the kid above:

We're going full 1980s on this one:

 I think my mom used to have glasses just like this.

What about our old bro William Shakespeare?

Could he borrow Mona Lisa's hipster shades?

 Oh my god I wanna roundhouse kick William Shakespeare right in the douche beard.

Will it help if the glasses have thinner frames?

Actually, yes. Now he just looks scholarly rather than like someone who pays for tall cans of PBR from his $2 bill collection.

We all know that Marie Antoinette had it goin' on:

And a pair of librarian glasses just make it even better!

 I'll eat your cake any t--
I'm sorry. I won't even finish that sentence.
Especially because she's SUPER dead.

Let's move next to the King of the Assholes, one Mister Christopher Columbus:

Call me a hardass, but I don't think the orchestrator of a genocide deserves to try on attractive glasses. Instead, he's getting the grandpa-est of grandpa glasses:

 Haha he looks f***ing stupid.

But nobody will ever look as stupid as the fantastically inbred Charles II of Spain:

That concludes our tour through history. I, uh ... I can't think of anything else to say because Charles II's face is still staring at me and it's just awful.

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