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Thursday, January 15, 2015

A series of dumb things I have done recently

I've been trying to come up with something good and funny to blog about today, but I kept coming up short so instead I'm just going to point out what a dumbass I am so we can all have a laugh at my expense.

-- I went out to lunch today and got a Chipotle burrito to eat back in my office. I was so hungry and so excited to eat it that I actually tried to walk out of the office elevator before the doors were quite open enough for me to fit through. But then I realized that I kind of had to pee, and in order to truly enjoy a giant Chipotle burrito, I need to be starting with every tank empty. So I knew that the right thing to do was to swing through the bathroom and have a quick pee before continuing on to my office and Burrito Heaven. I stepped into the bathroom and set my bag of Chipotle down on the little shelf near the door, because I wasn't about to bring my lunch into the stall with me and set it on the floor. That's nasty.

But then I started worrying -- what if someone came in the bathroom and saw my burrito sitting there in its bag unattended, and they decided to steal it? That would ruin my whole day so completely I don't even have words to describe it. So I did the only rational thing: I also set my purse down on the shelf by the door, arranging it in such a way that my purse hid the bag of Chipotle.

You know, my purse, which has my wallet and my phone and my keys in it? The thing that is far, far more valuable than the $7 burrito I just purchased (using the credit card that I keep in my purse)?

At that moment, I would have preferred that someone come in the bathroom and steal my purse than steal my burrito.

It was so f***ing delicious.

-- I was listening to a CD of kids' songs while driving Audrey to daycare one morning, and Skip to my Lou came on. I apparently didn't remember all the lyrics to this song, because I was very surprised when the singer suddenly threatened to find a new dance partner "prettier than you." 
"I'll find another one, prettier'n you! I'll find another one prettier'n you. I'll find another one prettier'n you! Skip to my Lou my darling."
 I was a little upset by this, and didn't like the message it was sending my sweet little girl. So I told her to disregard those lyrics, explaining that she should never allow herself to be manipulated into doing something she's not comfortable with, simply because her partner threatens to replace her. "You don't wanna do anal? Fine! Plenty of girls out there who will!" F*** you, buddy.

Satisfied with my lesson on self-respect, I took a look in the rearview mirror and saw that Audrey was asleep. And also is a baby who doesn't understand concepts like "threats," "manipulation," "dance partner," "pretty," or "anal."

It was a great speech, though.

-- I have somehow trained Audrey that it is a funny game to shove random objects into my mouth. I guess I thought it was funny the first time she did it, so I didn't stop her ... but now she is always testing the capacity of my mouth by trying to shove her toys in there. She's so convinced that Jenga blocks belong in my mouth that her first order of business after taking the lid off the package is to bring me one to chew on. No passing Go or collecting two hundred dollars -- just bring Mommy a Jenga block to eat, and bring it now.

Last night she tried to shove a crayon into my mouth and I stopped her. I told her "no, Mommy does not want a crayon in her mouth."

And she LOST. IT.

Crayons were flung, pages were ripped out of the doodle book. All hell broke loose. But, you'll be glad to hear that I did not cave in. I let the temper tantrum run its course (which, at this point in her life, usually takes 10-15 seconds) and then we moved on to another activity.

Because there are two things I don't do: 1) negotiate with terrorists, and 2) eat crayons.

I do still eat Jenga blocks, though. Whatevs; they keep my teeth sharp as f***.

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