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Thursday, February 5, 2015

Things that should not surprise me, but always do anyway

Every time I feel like I've got a decent grip on how the world works, the same old shit will manage to surprise me time and again. It's entirely possible I'm just a moron, but I still manage to be consistently surprised when:

Two ugly people have a child, and that child is also ugly

I was scrolling through Facebook the other day and saw a comment on someone else's status from a girl I used to know but am not directly friends with. I'm not gonna beat around the bush here: she is hideously ugly. Her husband is also hideously ugly. I mean really, everything that can go wrong in a face -- big nose, unibrow, no chin, narrow mouth, crooked teeth, bad tooth-to-gum ratio ... Bless them both; I hope they're very happy together.

I knew that she had had a baby about a year or so prior, and noticed that her profile picture was a photo of said baby. Curious, I hover-zoomed on the picture to get a closer look.

DEAR GOD THE CHILD WAS A NIGHTMARE. I actually cringed and pulled away from my computer screen reflexively, and the exact thought that crossed my mind was "ugh, it looks exactly like a cross between the two of them! How ugly!"


And then I realized that that was probably one of the dumbest thoughts I'd ever had. My thought basically translated to: "This child, composed of 50% DNA from its ugly mother and 50% DNA from its ugly father, looks like a combination of them both and is ugly just like they are." F***ING DUH, THAT'S HOW GENETICS WORK, DIPSHIT.

Somehow, I always expect the ugly to cancel out. I mean, it happens sometimes -- I've seen ugly couples produce a good-looking kid or two. But it's the exception, not the rule. When two hideous people share DNA, the result is usually going to be hideous. This should not surprise me.

But it does. Every time.

A person who is universally disliked turns out to be an asshole

Scene: you walk into a room and find a group of people gossiping/trash-talking someone you don't really know very well. They clearly dislike the person.

But you, always the nice, benevolent one in the room, decide to give the disliked person the benefit of the doubt. "Maybe he's just misunderstood!" you think. "Maybe they've got him all wrong and he's not nearly as bad as they all say."

So you join the disliked person for lunch, or you sit next to him on the bus, or you chat with him in the hallway for a while ...

And it turns out that motherf***er isn't just as bad as the others made him sound -- HE'S WORSE! Racist, sexist, awkward, smelly, stupid, lazy, and pronounces certain words weird in a way that is like nails on a chalkboard in your brain.

I don't think I can help you.

Every time I meet someone whose shitty reputation has preceded them, I always hope that the reputation was wrong and maybe all the gossip was just lies spread by a jilted ex-lover or something. And every time, I am shocked to discover that when someone is universally disliked, it's probably for a good f***ing reason.

Hey, maybe someday I'll meet that hooker with the heart of gold that I've been searching for. It could happen, guys.

Strangers on the internet try to pick a fight

"Strangers on the internet will be assholes" is an axiom as old as the internet itself. They're anonymous and hidden behind a screen; why wouldn't they act like dicks?

But still, the majority don't. I post on reddit quite a lot, and I find that most of the responses I get are friendly, funny, and positive. People are on there to have a good time and to laugh, not to start drama (and get downvoted to hell for it). And this lulls me into a false sense of security.

Because every once in a while, there will be an asshole. Someone who CLEARLY is just trying to pick a fight. They'll respond to a joke with something like "wow, you sound like a real peach", or "glad I'm not the one married to you." They'll accuse me of being a bad parent, a bad wife, a bad daughter, a bad friend. Any role I have in this world, they'll accuse me of sucking at. And not because I've told a story that clearly shows this to be the case, but because they're assholes and want to pick a fight for the sake of their own entertainment.

And every time, I'm surprised. I open up my inbox and see someone saying something rude to me, and there's this momentary pang of "ohmygod, is this person right? Have I been living my whole life wrong??!"

No, no I have not. It's just easy to forget when you're having fun that THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO ARE SHITHEADS AND THEY WANT YOUR FUN TO STOP.

This honestly shouldn't come as any surprise to me especially because when I was like 11, we used to go on AOL chatrooms and do nothing but try to start fights with people. I literally WAS that asshole on the internet, and yet I'm STILL surprised to find that there are assholes on the internet.

So let this be a warning to you all: it turns out there are assholes on the internet. Odds are, they are 11 years old. No need to take them seriously.

"What's the worst curse word you know? Let's call her that!"
"I heard my dad call my mom a 'c***' the other day. I don't know what it means, but Mom got really mad about it, so let's try it!"

Grown-ass adults don't even pretend to wash their hands after using the bathroom

Everyone knows that they're supposed to wash their hands after using the bathroom, right? Like, this isn't news to anyone, is it?

You've seen this kind of thing in a bathroom before, no?

Okay, so we're all on the same page.

If everyone knows that everyone is supposed to wash their hands after using the bathroom, then why the f*** do some people just walk right out of there after dropping a wicked shit in the second stall, making eye contact with me as they put their shit-hands directly on the door handle?


I get that we all have lazy moments sometimes. You won't catch my soaping up after my 3AM pee at home.

I also get that there are germaphobes out there who don't want to use the hand-washing facilities in a public restroom, as they've convinced themselves that touching the sink will make their hands even filthier than they already are. But if that's you, please note that 1) I won't know about the hand sanitizer you keep in your office unless you say something, and 2) don't f***ing touch the door handle with shit-hands you disgusting pig. If you're so concerned about germs, then wash your hands in the bathroom and THEN use the hand sanitizer you keep in your purse. This has the added bonus of not making everyone think you are an utterly unhygienic pig person.

It truly surprises me every single time I see someone just walk right out of the bathroom without even pretending to wash their hands, right in front of people they know and interact with regularly. Without even running some water over them. Without saying "I prefer to use my own hand sanitizer" to any of the people who are watching them with open, abject disgust. Don't you know they're judging you? 

It's like they enjoy completely horrifying their coworkers and friends with their disregard for this universally accepted social convention and hygiene standard. Or do they think they're special? That they are somehow magically clean and don't need to wash their hands like everyone else does?

I guarantee you she washed her hands regularly.

Truly, it makes my jaw drop. I know it happens, but to see it with my own eyes ...


There's a woman in my office who went to the bathroom at the same time as me, and when we both came out of the stalls, she stood next to me chatting as I washed my hands. She watched me wash my hands but made no effort to do the same and offered no explanation.

It was baffling. Baffling and disgusting. I'll never go near that woman again.

Wash your goddamned hands, people. Jesus.

I kind of need this right now. I hope you understand.

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