Blog Archive

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Stuntin' like I'm 9 months pregnant

I may be large, awkward, and unwieldy. I may have what is essentially a giant watermelon hung from my spine and dangling between my legs (or at least it certainly feels that way).

But don't you for one second think that I'm not still capable of stunts that would make even the Flying Wallendas blanche!

This guy ain't got nothin on me.

Here are the stunning feats of acrobatics that I am still able to perform, and their difficulty ratings. Prepare to be impressed:

Maneuver: Use my ab muscles to pull in and lift my entire uterus
Difficulty: 8.5

As my uterus grows and my belly hangs off me like a piece of overripe fruit, exercising full control over the abdominal wall becomes more and more difficult. Non-pregnant me can easily flex all the abs and pull the belly in to a flat and hard state. Pregnant me, however? Not so easy.

But in the right circumstances, I can still do it. Obviously not pull the belly in to flatness, since that is literally impossible given the size of my uterus compared to the size of my body, but still ... a heck of a lot flatter than it is right now. I call this move the Belly Lift, and it involves flexing all my abs at once and using them to lift my enormous uterus up and in.

I have shown this stunt to many people, and the response has been almost universally the same: "Do that again." [I do it again] "Gross."

So yes, it is impressive. I am available for parties, but not for much longer.

And before you even ask, OF COURSE I MADE VIDEOS AND TURNED THEM INTO GIFS. Who do you think I am, some kind of amateur?!?!

"Do that again."


Maneuver: Drop into a full lunge to pick something up off the floor while holding Audrey
Difficulty: 8.8

According the the bathroom scale that Audrey insists on weighing herself on several times a week, my little 22-month-old weighs 27.4 pounds.

According to that same bathroom scale, my weight gain thus far this pregnancy is between 26-29 pounds (depending on the time of day and how many Chipotle burritos I have eaten that week).

Getting out my trusty calculator, this means that I can drop into a low enough lunge to reach whatever critical item has been dropped onto the floor while holding at least 54 pounds of extra weight. And then I can stand all the way back up afterwards. I can do this as many as one times in a row.

That being said, I don't think I will be performing this stunt any more from here on out. There's simply too much risk that I will get down and then not be able to get back up, and I'll either have to toss Audrey at the ground, fall over, or call for help from a ridiculous position.

"But why did you start kneeling on the floor?"

Maneuver: Prop my leg up at chest height in the shower to shave
Difficulty: 9.1

Yes, I do still shave my legs. And I haven't even changed my technique! I still lift my leg up and rest my toesies on the chest-height ledge in the shower to do it.

Except on days where my sciatic back pain is acting up really badly.

You can tell those days because my right leg will be smooth.

Only my right leg.

Maneuver: While holding Audrey, pick up her binkie with my foot and transfer it into my other hand
Difficulty: 9.2

I don't think the title on this one makes it clear just exactly how incredible this feat is. So let me describe it further: I hold the 27.4 pound Audrey in my right arm, resting her weight on my hip while my giant belly hangs off my front.

I balance this precarious tower on my right foot only.

I take all weight off my left foot and use my long, monkey-like toes to grab Audrey's binkie, which she has dropped onto the floor.

I then bend my left leg at the knee until my left hand can reach the binkie that is gripped in my toe-fingers.

And I give the binkie back to Audrey.

And she doesn't thank me, because she has no concept of how incredible it is that I was able to do this.


Maneuver: Sit down on the floor in the middle of a room (i.e. not near anything I can use to pull myself up) and then return to my feet again without help
Difficulty: 9.9

This maneuver is so difficult that it's risky to even attempt it without a spotter. You may find yourself stuck on the floor, having to crawl over to a counter or railing to pull yourself back to your feet.

I have only dared attempt it a couple of times in the recent past, because I know the risks.

Here is my technique, starting from a criss-cross-applesauce seated position:
-- untangle legs and roll forward onto hands and knees
-- open knees to at least shoulder width apart
-- shift weight towards hands and then tuck feet under you
-- walk hands in towards feet, moving more and more weight onto feet
-- straighten legs slowly, either with hands still on the floor or transferred to your knees (depending on flexibility). Don't be a hero and try to stand up all at once
-- once legs are mostly straight, begin rolling body up one vertebrae at a time until you have reached a standing position

Congratulations! You have successfully stood up from a seated position on the floor!!! 

Maneuver: Put on underwear while standing up
Difficulty: 10

Lol just kidding. I cannot do this.


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