I illustrated these Christmas songs for you

I have not blogged in forever, but I have a good excuse: we bought a house, and then we moved into it. And we celebrated Thanksgiving in the interim. It was a major pain in the ass. 

I'm going to write a blog post about it eventually, but we're still not even fully done moving so I'm too stressed and depressed to make jokes about it right this minute.

Instead, here are a couple illustrations that popped into my head while listening to Christmas music this weekend:


The first is from the song "Happy Holidays" by Andy Williams. I kind of hate this song, mostly because of one line:

"And don't forget to hang up your sock!"

Now obviously that is referring to stockings, which makes sense because stockings are pretty much just socks. So he's being all casual and slang-y about hanging your stocking by the chimney with care (or with Scotch tape if you're worried about damaging the wood and haven't bought those weighted stocking hooks yet).

But every time I hear this line, I just picture someone putting a thumb tack through a tube sock and calling it a day. Like Santa's gonna fill that stank-ass piece of shit with candy and a Pez dispenser and you'll lose your mind over it Christmas morning.

NO ANDY WILLIAMS, NO.

I mean if Santa did slip a Pez dispenser into one of those socks, would you eat the Pez? Would you??

And then there's Little Drummer Boy. This time, I have a mental image that cracks me up. It's about this line:

I played my drum for him
Pa rum pum pum pum
I played my best for him
Pa rum pum pum pum,

I just picture this person showing up and being like "omg, I have no gift for Jesus. Shit. Okay I have this drum though. I hope Jesus likes drums. I'mma play him some sweet drums and hope he's into it. Here I go." 

And then Jesus is like:

Wow that super sucks, Little Drummer Boy. I guess your skills did not impress Jesus after all, even though you played your best for him. Keep practicing and then try again next year maybe.

I swear I will write more blog posts soon. It's not that I'm done with this blog or anything (BECAUSE I AM SO NOT) ... I'm just completely drained of life force at the moment. It will come back. I hope.