Double-headed Shart Attack: Stop being so easily offended! It ... offends me.

It's Christmas time, and once again I'm annoyed as f*** by stupid people getting themselves all up in arms over stupid shit.

Time to rant about it.

"Merry Christmas"

If you think I'm going to rant about how we should be allowed to say "Merry Christmas" without offending people, you're wrong.

I'm here to rant about the idiots who are offended that they 'aren't allowed' to say "Merry Christmas" anymore because they might offend someone.

First of all, no real person is actually offended by the phrase "Merry Christmas." Okay maybe some super self-important 14-year-old angry atheist is offended by it, but nobody and I mean nobody feels the need to pander to super self-important 14-year-old angry atheists.

We say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" because it's more inclusive of people who don't celebrate Christmas. Jews exist, y'all. So do atheists, and Muslims, and Hindus, and every damn other person who doesn't celebrate Christmas for whatever reason. Are you seriously offended by "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas"? You're offended that your holiday greeting wasn't specific enough, that it didn't stick it to the Jews enough?

You're a moron. You're offended because businesses, schools, government, whoever, decided to go with a greeting that includes everyone. How f***ing entitled are you. And then you have the nerve to go on about how terrible it is that "political correctness is ruining this country! Can't even say 'Merry Christmas' anymore!" No, asshole, you're perfectly welcome to say "Merry Christmas" all you want. The only person offended around here is you.

You are the problem. When you bitch about how people are so easily offended these days, you are talking about yourself.

And it offends the hell out of me. Goddamn it, there's no escape. Everyone is offended all the time and I am too! THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

Those goddamned Starbucks cups

So Starbucks decided to change their winter cups over to just a plain red cup. Why did they do this? Maybe it was cheaper to make, or their design department thought it looked best, or maybe they wanted to be more inclusive of other religions as I mentioned above. The point is who gives a flying f*** why they did it. It's a f***ing red cup.

Number of people offended by Christmas messages on the old Starbucks cups: like 7.

Number of people offended that the cups don't say "Merry Christmas" anymore: I don't know, maybe 30.

Number of people offended by the existence of these 37 people: 500 million.

If you're offended by stupid bullshit that doesn't affect you in any way ... like, the imaginary offense taken by people who either don't exist or are just searching for attention ... YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.

STOP BEING SO EASILY OFFENDED. JESUS.

IT MAKES ME ANGRY AND THEN I'M PART OF THE PROBLEM TOO.

DO I LOOK ANGRY TO YOU? BECAUSE I'M NOT. YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S ANGRY.

This holiday season, let's all do our best to stop it. Just knock it right off. If you read something on Facebook and it starts to make you feel offended -- whether you feel offended directly by the thing itself, or if you feel offended because the people who are offended by the thing are too easily offended, just take a deep breath and STOP. IT.

This "culture of outrage" exists because we all feed into it. 99% of these people whose offense we read about are probably just faking it for attention anyway.

Example: the houses on my street pretty much all have American flags on them. Many even have actual flag poles sunk into the ground, which is kind of unusual in this part of the country. But I was born in Canada. So I could pretty easily write a blog post about how all these American flags make me feel uncomfortable and excluded, and maybe that post would go viral and now I'm on Good Morning America talking about my experiences as an immigrant, and you see me on there and write a rant on Facebook about how ridiculous it is that people could be offended by an American flag and people need to grow thicker skin because this is all just over the top. And then someone reads your Facebook post and they get angry too, and they start their own rant, and soon enough half the country is ready to wring my neck because of how ridiculous and easily offended I am.

But I'm not offended by the American flag. I just wanted to get on TV, and I knew that would work.

So we're pretty much all worked up over nothing, all the damn time.

Can we please all just knock it off?

... Please?

Merry Christmas if you like, Happy Holidays if you like, Happy New Year if you like, and GOD BLESS AMERICA GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH EVERYONE ELSE CAN GO SUCK AN EGG.