I'm never making Jungle Juice again.

Yes, you read that right: never again will I poison my body with the awful substance known as "Jungle Juice."  Even though my recipe is amazing, and even though everyone loves it and will truly miss it, it's just not going to happen.  I have purchased and emptied my last handle of Everclear.

"Why?" you ask.  "Why deprive the world of such an effective means of getting drunk quickly?  Why limit your friends to conventional drinks made without the benefit of 198-proof grain alcohol?  HAVE YOU A FEVER?  SHALL WE SEEK A DOCTOR???"

Well, friends, let me explain why, with this little story about what happens every time I bring Jungle Juice to a party.

1

I WARN EVERYONE ABOUT ALL THE TERRIBLE THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN IF THEY DRINK IT

 

This includes:

• Your motor skills will suddenly fail you without warning, and you will get up from a chair and fall onto your face.



• You will have absolutely no filter, and will shout things you later wish you'd kept to yourself



• You will vomit in technicolor



• Vast swaths of your memory will be erased, as Jungle Juice is to a brain what a powerful magnet is to a computer hard drive. Later, even when your actions are described to you in great detail, you still will not remember them at all.



• You will get the worst hangover of your life because whatever portion of the Juice isn't alcohol, is pure sugar.

2

I IGNORE MY OWN WARNINGS AND DRINK A WHOLE BUNCH OF IT, BECAUSE BREAKING ALL THE RULES IS WHAT COOL PEOPLE DO

 
For example:

• Smoking cigarettes while hating everyone? Totally cool.



• Driving way over the speed limit?  Super duper cool.



• Swimming alone at night in shark-infested water? BEYOND COOL.

3

EVERYTHING I WARNED ABOUT IN PART 1 HAPPENS TO ME

Everything.  Shouting, vomiting, memory-erasing, falling down, hangover.

Hey, what's this?  Someone got me a birthday card!  But my birthday isn't til October!

Awwww.

From now on, you make your own damn Jungle Juice. And don't let me have any.