"We Pretend to be Classy" Volume 1: Wine Club

I'll be the first to admit it: my friends and I are not classy people. Oh, sure, we were raised well and have the basics of manners and etiquette down, and we could fake it if we had to, but the First Lady we are not. I think I'd rather be waterboarded than sit to dinner with the Queen.

However, like all youngsters, our hearts are filled with dreams. Dreams of an alternate reality, where we are classy and do classy things that others respect us for. Dreams of a reality where we don't end clauses with prepositions like I just did in the previous sentence. A reality where we are important.

We also don't necessarily want outsiders to know exactly how hard we laugh when someone belches at the dinner table. We want people to think we were BORN knowing which one is the salad fork!

So we confuse them, with smoke and mirrors.

And a wine club.

Wine clubs are this thing that classy people do. Perhaps they are members of a 'wine of the month' club, and receive a fancy bottle of expensive wine every month. Perhaps they are members of SEVERAL wine of the month clubs. And these classy folks, with their wines of the month, get together over whore derves [sic] and fancy cheeses to taste their highly-rated wines and determine which ones they like the best -- the Penis Noir or the Penis Grigio? They engage in delightful chit-chat in their business-casual attire, laughing politely at tasteful jokes and then heading home to wait for the next meeting of the club.

THIS SOUNDED LIKE AN IDEA WE COULD GET BEHIND.

With a few modifications, of course. This post will explore the ways in which our wine club differs from a "real" wine club.

1

The Quality of the Wine

Actual wine club:

Our "wine club":

2

Our Commentary on the Wine

Actual wine club:

Our "wine club":

3

The Quantity of Wine Consumed

Actual wine club:

Our "wine club":

4

The Quantity of Non-Wine Consumed

Actual wine club:

Our "wine club":

5

The Level of Conversation

Actual wine club:

Our "wine club":

Hey, at least our food's good. Homemade pizza every week, bitches!! WINE CLUB 4 LYF!

Oh, and I prefer the Penis Noir over the Penis Grigio. It has more ... oak texture. Or something. Mouth feel. Nutty aroma. Fullness. Other classy-sounding shit.

Where's my margarita?