"We Pretend to be Classy" Volume 2: Staying at the W Hotel

Last year, Jesse and I decided that we wanted to visit New York City. Jesse had never been there, and we both wanted to attend the New York Hash's Red Dress Run. A hashing event is always a good reason to visit a city -- you get instant friends, are guaranteed to have a good time, and will probably be fed and drunkened much more cheaply than you'd be able to on your own. So it's win-win-win all around.

As usual, I was put in charge of planning logistics for the trip. I bought our DC-NYC bus tickets, and researched the locations for both the Friday night pub crawl and the Saturday night Red Dress Run. Then I did something I've never done before: I used Hotwire to get us a hotel room.

For those who don't know, Hotwire is one of those sites where you "bid" on hotel rooms in a certain geographical area and at a certain tier of niceness, and then if your bid is accepted, you find out what hotel you'll be staying at. The Red Dress events were going to be near Chinatown and the Chelsea area of Manhattan, so that's where I placed my bid. I believe I requested 3.5-4 star hotels, not wanting to spend our trip squashing cockroaches. My bid was accepted, and so I anxiously clicked through to find out where we'd be staying on our journey to New York.

The answer? The W Hotel Downtown, right across from the new 9/11 Memorial.

The W is a very nice hotel. The W is a very classy hotel.

We had absolutely no business staying at the W.

Here are some of the things that went wrong (and the reasons why we are probably now banned for life):

1

We Fucked Up a Really Nice Book With Our Beer Cooler

Classy folks that we are, Jesse and I packed in beer with us. Yes, it's true: we brought a soft-sided cooler full of beer up to NYC with us. Could we have bought beer once we arrived? Of course! But we saved time by already having the beer cold and ready to drink the second we arrived.

We filled the little cooler with ice from the ice machine and set it on the desk in our super classy and modern hotel room, marveling at our genius for thinking of this awesome idea. The next day, I realized that the cooler had leaked as the ice melted, and had completely soaked the gorgeous and heavy W Hotel book sitting on the desk. I spent the next day and a half frantically trying to get the thing to dry out enough to not get charged for it. I don't know if my credit card would have survived.

2

"Taking a Breather" on the Front Steps

You know that moment when you're drunk and in unfamiliar surroundings, and you just need to stop for a minute and take stock of where you are and what the hell is going on? Yeah, after the Friday night pub crawl -- when it took us 45 minutes of walking, a cab ride, plus ten more minutes of walking to get back from eight blocks away -- we needed to have a little sit-and-think. We had our sit-and-think on the steps outside the W Hotel like a couple of vagrants. Thankfully, we were able to piece things together and find our way back to the room.

Hey, at least we weren't as bad off as these guys:

3

Breaking the TV Remote

We don't know how or why this happened, but the battery panel on the TV remote, which is SCREWED CLOSED, became open and the batteries went missing. We eventually found the batteries, and Jesse had to use incredible man-strength to get the battery compartment re-closed around its screw. How did we manage this stunt? We still don't know.
Theories:

4

Heading off to the Red Dress Run

... right through the lobby, where many people were checking in. Most of them were in business suits. They looked at us all crosswise.

5

Ma Po Tofu Sauce in the Bed

On our way home from the run, we stopped in Chinatown to pick up some Chinese food. I was apparently VERY hungry, and slurred my way through enough bad Mandarin to hook us up with a nice variety of Chinese food options.

One of those was Ma Po Tofu, my favorite. I must have REALLY liked it, because I took it to bed with me. I woke up in a small puddle of ma po tofu sauce.

When we finally got home from our adventure, I spent the next week watching my credit card transactions online, waiting for the inevitable massive charge for damaging the room. It never came. WE GOT AWAY WITH IT.

And from now on, I'm telling Hotwire that 3-star hotels are just fine for us, thanks! And we're totally bringing our own beer in a little soft-sided cooler, because let's be real: that was a fucking awesome idea.