WARNING: Today's post ends up going off a cliff. Don't read it if you're the type who gets upset easily. My version of Gremlins is rather ... dark.
I hope you guys aren’t getting sick of this "movies I haven't seen" series, because I’m certainly not. And after a joke was made last night about not feeding something after midnight, I realized what movie needed the gentle touch of a Paint brush next: Gremlins.
It’s true, okay: I haven’t seen that movie. Not only have I not seen it, but I actually know very little about it. But don’t worry – that's never slowed me down before! I’m just going to be really liberal in my filling-in of the parts of the movie I’m not familiar with. Hold on tight; this is going to be a bumpy ride.
Gremlins is about a teenage boy whose naughtiness is matched only by his idiocy. He gets some stupid furry pet thing called Gizmo:
There are only three rules that he has to follow to keep Gizmo happy and adorable: 1 – No water. 2 – Something else that is probably stupid and easy to avoid but you know this dumbass kid is going to do it anyway. And 3 – do NOT feed him after midnight!
Of course, our main character – who shall henceforth be known as “Burt” – is unusually slow in the head, so he breaks all the rules. He gets the little fucker all wet:
And then he feeds the bastard after midnight!
I'm assuming the third thing on the list was "don't force Gizmo to play Paris Hilton in a Carl's Jr. commercial," in which case Burt obviously broke all three rules.
This causes Gizmo to turn into a ferocious monster:
One who spawns a bunch of other ferocious monsters:
The ferocious monsters known as Gremlins proceed to go on a rampage through Burt’s town. They are savage, bloodthirsty creatures: they kill babies and rape mothers in front of their children. They rip out fingernails and toenails just for sport. It’s pretty gruesome. One of the darker movies of our time.
The men of the town band together to formulate a plan to kill the Gremlins. They gather up all their firearms and start shooting at everything that moves. But they find that the Gremlins are impervious to bullets due to a protective force field.
A crusty old man who has lots of experience with these things then shows up at just the right moment with some advice:
So the men start setting traps and eating all the Gremlin hearts they can get their hands on.
But their plan isn’t working fast enough. The Gremlins continue to multiply, and the rivers run red with the blood of the innocent.
Eventually, all of mankind is destroyed and the Gremlins take over the Earth. The only survivor is young Burt, who the Gremlins keep locked in a cage surrounded by pictures of his dead family.
Hey Burt, what were those rules again about Gizmo?
MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE FUCKING FOLLOWED THEM.
Man, can you believe Gremlins was considered a CHILDREN’S MOVIE back in 1984?? Boy howdy, times have changed!