Five actors I can't stand

I know it’s rude to dislike people you’ve never met in real life. Maybe all the people on the following list are actually lovely, generous, caring folks with great senses of humor. Maybe they are deeply empathetic, or make a delicious apple pie. Or maybe they don’t.

But since I’ll never find out – them being celebrities and all – I am left to judge them based entirely on how they come off on screen. And let me tell you … some people just make a terrible impression. Or, more importantly, some people’s FACES make a terrible impression.

Here are some famous actors and actresses I want to punch based entirely on the faces they make on camera.

1

Kristen Stewart

This should come as no surprise to anyone who read my Twilight plot synopsis. What is with those front teeth, and why are they always showing? Why can’t she learn to close her mouth every once in a while?

See, in this picture, she looks just fine:

But she never looks like that. She always looks like this:

She should glue her lips together for a while or something, just to break her of the habit. The world would be a better place, and Snow White and the Huntsman would be a much better movie.

(and besides, does anyone ON EARTH actually think that Kristen Stewart is ‘fairer’ than Charlize Theron? Give me a break. That’s like comparing a Clydesdale to a unicorn.)

 

2

Kevin Costner

Never mind the fact that almost every movie he stars in is total crap. Never mind that he can’t act his way out of a paper bag. Never mind that he is utterly incapable of doing accents, but he tries anyway.

I JUST WANT TO PUNCH HIS DOUGHY STUPID FACE EVERY TIME I SEE IT.

Seriously – he always looks confused yet somehow smug. Like he has no idea what’s going on, but he knows whatever it is is good for him.

Plus, all his facial features are jammed into one tiny part of his face.

Errrrrhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhh this Google image search is making me want to scratch the skin off my cheeks, so let’s move on to my next great enemy.

3

Keira Knightley

Okay, she’s not really my great enemy. I actually love Keira Knightley. I think she’s a great beauty and a pretty damn good actress to boot.

But then she does this:

… and I want to smash her in the face with a shovel.

 

STOP POUTING. IT LOOKS TERRIBLE.

I look at that face and all I see is this:

STOP MAKING YOURSELF UGLY. YOU ARE TOO PRETTY FOR THAT.

4

Keanu Reeves

I almost feel bad about this one, because, well, it’s KEANU REEVES. He’s like a small child with a learning disability: he may be annoying, but he can’t help it.

I mean yeah, he’s a totally wooden actor. He is not believable in any role I have ever seen him play. He ruins what would otherwise be good movies.

But … look at him! He’s adorable!

Plus, he starred in the movie Point Break, where he played an FBI agent who goes undercover as a surfer to infiltrate a notorious gang led by Patrick Swayze.

 

It is without a doubt the most ridiculous plot for any movie ever made (and that includes Schwarzenegger’s Total Recall AND Junior), yet Keanu played his role with his typical guileless enthusiasm. And the scene where he shoots his gun in the air because he likes Patrick Swayze too much to shoot him? (which can be viewed here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nY6PXoyNP1k)

WHY DIDN’T HE GET AN OSCAR FOR THAT?!?!?!

Ah, Keanu. I don’t know why people keep casting you in movies, but you just go on ruining them. You have my permission, darling.

5

The actor I hate more than any other

You know who ISN’T invited to keep ruining movies?

You know who fills me with such rage that I actually cannot watch movies that he is in?

You know who has such a STUPID FUCKING FACE that I haven’t even watched one of the most popular and famous movie trilogies in recent memory because of him?

 

TOBEY-MOTHERFUCKING-MAGUIRE, THAT’S WHO.

No, just no. Everything about him – no. He has a stupid goddamn face that’s supposed to be all “boyish” but just comes off as weak. Like if I punched him, he wouldn’t get back up. And he’s got this lazy half-cocked smile that I want to knock off his face. And his voice … that whiny, bitchy little VOICE …

Here is a brief comic showing how I feel about Tobey Maguire.

And no, I haven’t seen the second or third Spider-Man movies. I had a hard enough time coming down off the ledge after watching the first one. I caught about two minutes of the part where he turns into evil Spider-Man and he’s supposed to be all suave and assholey. And I nearly broke the TV because of it.

But, y’know, I’m sure he’s a wonderful guy once you get to know him.

Which I will never do.

On account of his face.

Oh, and I also can't stand Nicolas Cage ...

... but that's a story for another day.