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Thursday, October 25, 2012

The plotwrecker takes on: SUPERMAN!

Don’t worry guys; I used to watch that show Lois and Clark, so I’m pretty well briefed on the basics of the Superman story. So I probably won’t screw this up at all.

Superman is a superhero from outer space. Specifically, from the planet … well … it doesn’t really matter where he’s from. But he was born somewhere in outer space and got kicked off his planet as a baby, probably because his parents didn’t love him.

Against all odds (I mean seriously, just try and calculate those odds …), he drifted safely to the surface of the Earth, landing harmlessly somewhere out of sight and was immediately adopted by some new parents who named him "Clark Kent." They soon learned that he had super powers, but other than a few minor run-ins, they were generally unconcerned by this.

Superman eventually grew into an adult, and one with several dire enemies. The first enemy was a substance called Kryptonite, which is some sort of green glowy shit from the planet Krypton, but which there also seems to be an awful lot of here on Earth. The second enemy was the evil genius Lex Luther. More on him later.
Lex Luther is easy to recognize due to his villainous baldness.

Superman’s biggest enemy, however, was mediocrity. Despite his amazing powers, including super strength and the ability to fly, he took a mid-level office job at what may as well have been the Metropolis branch of Dunder Mifflin. In the office hierarchy, he was sort of like the Kevin of the group.

He then fell madly in love with a chick named Lois Lane – a woman of mediocre physical attractiveness and with no particularly noteworthy personality attributes. Superman made no moves on her -- despite his desperate love -- and thus got even less tail than the gas station attendant down the street who looks a lot like this:

Which is to say, he got no tail at all.
As for his superpowers, he mostly used them to help out third-rate beat cops with things like muggings at knifepoint.

He did also help with the enormous disasters that seemed to strike Metropolis with alarming frequency, however.

In fact, the only character in this whole thing who seemed to make any effort to better himself was Lex Luther. Luther, bent on world domination, was constantly trying to thwart Superman with a seemingly endless supply of Kryptonite.

I don’t know how the story ends, but presumably it involves Superman not getting laid, getting some Granny’s purse back, getting thwarted by Lex Luther, and crying himself to sleep in his shitty rent-controlled apartment in the ghetto with no friends except the rats that live in his radiator.

And that, my friends, is the story of Superman. Any questions?

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