Don’t worry guys; I used to watch that show Lois and Clark,
so I’m pretty well briefed on the basics of the Superman story. So I probably
won’t screw this up at all.
Ha.
Superman is a superhero from outer space. Specifically, from
the planet … well … it doesn’t really matter where he’s from. But he was born
somewhere in outer space and got kicked off his planet as a baby, probably
because his parents didn’t love him.
Against all odds (I mean seriously, just try and calculate
those odds …), he drifted safely to the surface of the Earth, landing
harmlessly somewhere out of sight and was immediately adopted by some new parents who named him "Clark Kent." They soon
learned that he had super powers, but other than a few minor run-ins, they were
generally unconcerned by this.
Superman eventually
grew into an adult, and one with several dire enemies. The first enemy was a
substance called Kryptonite, which is some sort of green glowy shit from the
planet Krypton, but which there also seems to be an awful lot of here on Earth.
The second enemy was the evil genius Lex Luther. More on him later.
Lex Luther is easy to recognize due to his villainous baldness.
Superman’s biggest enemy, however, was mediocrity. Despite
his amazing powers, including super strength and the ability to fly, he took a
mid-level office job at what may as well have been the Metropolis branch of
Dunder Mifflin. In the office hierarchy, he was sort of like the Kevin of the
group.
He then fell madly in love with a chick named Lois Lane – a woman
of mediocre physical attractiveness and with no particularly noteworthy
personality attributes. Superman made no moves on her -- despite his desperate
love -- and thus got even less tail than the gas station attendant down the
street who looks a lot like this:
Which is to say, he got no tail at all.
As for his superpowers, he mostly used them to help out
third-rate beat cops with things like muggings at knifepoint.
He did also help with the enormous disasters that seemed to strike
Metropolis with alarming frequency, however.
In fact, the only character in this whole thing who seemed to make any effort to better himself was Lex Luther. Luther, bent on world domination,
was constantly trying to thwart Superman with a seemingly endless supply of
Kryptonite.
I don’t know how the story ends, but presumably it involves
Superman not getting laid, getting some Granny’s purse back, getting thwarted
by Lex Luther, and crying himself to sleep in his shitty rent-controlled
apartment in the ghetto with no friends except the rats that live in his
radiator.
And that, my friends, is the story of Superman. Any questions?
No comments:
Post a Comment