The steps to properly carving pumpkins for Halloween

Step 1: Gather ingredients

Shitty, deformed grocery store pumpkins

 

Shitty grocery store pumpkin carving set, augmented by dangerous knives

 

Sufficient beverage for the task

 

Step 2: Test ingredients for quality

 

Step 3: Hollow out pumpkins and separate seeds out, covering them in tasty spices and placing in the oven

 

Step 4: Threaten each other with knifes, carving tools, and various other sharp pumpkin-related paraphernalia while drinking more beer and waiting for pumpkin seeds to be ready

Step 5: Giddily eat handfuls of tasty pumpkin seeds while washing the salt down with more beer

 

Step 6: Get to the serious business of attempting to follow instructions on carving overly complex pumpkin design

Famous last words.

 

Step 7: Hopelessly fuck up overly complex pumpkin design

Step 8: Give up and carve triangle-eyed buck-toothed pumpkin

(aka “Old Faithful)

Step 9: Enjoy more pumpkin seeds and beer while admiring the terrible job you’ve done

 

Step 10: Place all pumpkins on the front porch despite their hideous manglement, allowing the neighbors to see just how much you suck at everything

The children next door are going to laugh.

 

Step 11: Celebrate with more beer and pumpkin seeds

... and maybe a bit more swordplay

 

 

Happy Halloweekend, everyone!

And for the record, our real-life pumpkins actually turned out pretty well.

 

WHAT NOW, BITCH?!?!?