Step 1: Gather ingredients
Shitty, deformed grocery store pumpkins
Shitty grocery store pumpkin carving set, augmented by dangerous knives
Sufficient beverage for the task
Step 2: Test ingredients for quality
Step 3: Hollow out pumpkins and separate seeds out, covering them in tasty spices and placing in the oven
Step 4: Threaten each other with knifes, carving tools, and various other sharp pumpkin-related paraphernalia while drinking more beer and waiting for pumpkin seeds to be ready
Step 5: Giddily eat handfuls of tasty pumpkin seeds while washing the salt down with more beer
Step 6: Get to the serious business of attempting to follow instructions on carving overly complex pumpkin design
Famous last words.
Step 7: Hopelessly fuck up overly complex pumpkin design
Step 8: Give up and carve triangle-eyed buck-toothed pumpkin
(aka “Old Faithful)
Step 9: Enjoy more pumpkin seeds and beer while admiring the terrible job you’ve done
Step 10: Place all pumpkins on the front porch despite their hideous manglement, allowing the neighbors to see just how much you suck at everything
The children next door are going to laugh.
Step 11: Celebrate with more beer and pumpkin seeds
... and maybe a bit more swordplay
Happy Halloweekend, everyone!
And for the record, our real-life pumpkins actually turned out pretty well.
WHAT NOW, BITCH?!?!?