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Friday, October 5, 2012

Why Mr. Pants Didn’t Help Drive the Truck

Mr. Pants did not enjoy the drive across the country. He spent most of the time either curled up in his travel box cursing us,

 sitting in my hand (where my arm could absorb all the shocks of the road) cursing us,

 or hiding in his “snake nest” (Jesse’s and my hoodies all bunched up) cursing us.

At no point did we allow him to take a turn at the wheel.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – that hardly seems fair, does it? 3,000 miles and all he did was sit? But we had our reasons. Firstly, we were in a 26-foot truck with a trailer on the back – a vehicle so unwieldy even I wasn’t allowed to drive it, due to my handicap of being a woman. But Mr. Pants doesn’t have that handicap, so it seems reasonable that he should have spent a few hours driving while Jesse cuddled up in the snake nest. Why didn’t he? Here are a few reasons.

Mr. Pants Cannot Reach the Pedals

Mr. Pants is only a wee little baby ball python. He is maybe 2 feet long – MAYBE. Last time I measured him, I rounded up pretty severely. So he didn’t stand a prayer of a chance of reaching the gas and brakes while still being able to see the road. Even putting phone books on the seat didn’t help.


Mr. Pants Has No Means of Turning the Wheel

He would have to brace himself against something and pull really hard, and I just don’t think he has it in him. He can barely squish up a pre-dead mouse to eat.


Mr. Pants Does Not Have a Drivers’ License

His left blinker was out when he went to take the test, so they wouldn’t even let him try.
Then, once that was fixed, he did a terrible job parallel parking.


Mr. Pants Does Not Understand ANY of the Rules of the Road

Mr. Pants gets to a four-way stop sign at the same time as you. You’re the vehicle on the right, so he should yield to you. Think he’s going to do that? THINK AGAIN.


Mr. Pants Doesn’t Really Understand English

Or numbers, or pictures, or anything really. You don’t want him on the freeway with you.


Mr. Pants is Always Texting While Driving

He claims he’s “multitasking.” I guess he just thinks he’s above the law.

Edited to add: how come Mr. Pants gets an iPhone while I'm still stuck rocking this BlackBerry???? This is not cool.

Mr. Pants Has Terrible Road Rage

‘Nuff said.

So instead, we just let him stick to his strengths.

 It’s better for all of us, trust me.


  1. Replies
    1. Of course he made us spring for the vanity plates. Of course.

  2. I'm sure Mr Pants understands English very well, however the reading signs thing - that's another story! PPV

    1. Ya know, sometimes I really do think he's playing me on the whole speaking English thing. One afternoon, I was holding him in the truck and he got all rowdy (he's nocturnal) when we still had like an hour and a half left to drive. I told him to either slow his roll or else he'd have to go back in the box. Motherf*cker sat still and didn't move a muscle for the next hour! But when I tell him to get a job? Nothing.